The Night Warden

Implicit simplicity

2009-07-04T10:25:00.002+01:00

It's been a rather dry few days, weather wise and also when it comes to things to blog about. There have been a number of small incidents which have occurred since the last time I wrote in this blog, but we'll come to that later.

It was a dry, calm and peaceful night on the park and nobody was making any noise, so I decided to stretch my legs a little and took a walk down towards the main road, a short distance away from the main entrance. Whilst I was at the main road, I heard a vehicle approaching, so I walked slowly back to the gates. I hadn't managed more than a few feet before the car was by my side.

"Can we get in?" enquired the passenger.
"Sorry, you're about an hour late." said I.
"Oh. So where do we park then?"
I looked at the several neatly parked cars at the main entrance, as they too had come back late and couldn't get back in, then I turned my head back towards the vehicle. I said nothing, as I didn't think it was deserved.
"So can we just park up in front of the gate then?" asked the passenger.
"No. You can park alongside the other parked vehicles." I said, slowly, "Unlike last night when you came back late and just opened the gates and drove onto the park."

The occupants said nothing to my remark, although I knew that it was them, as did they. I didn't think people were that stupid. The following morning I spoke to the head receptionist and thanked her and her team of reception staff for weeding out the trouble-makers and stopping them from booking in and asked if it was remotely possible that she could also weed out the simpletons too.

"Yes, but then you'd have an empty park."

She does have a point, I guess.

I apologise for the short post, but I'm working on a much larger and funnier one as you read this.

The Partybus

2009-06-19T19:12:00.002+01:00

The past few weeks have been very quiet on the site with nothing of particular note to report. As the season starts to build, albeit very slowly, the troublemakers start to make their way to the surface. Normally they're pretty easy to spot, just by walking past and listening. There are also a few who escape under the radar, until it's very late at night. Last night was no exception, the group who were going to cause trouble made their presence known from very early in the night.

As I walked around the site at the start of my shift, in the pouring rain, I made a note of where all the tents were, so I didn't unnecessarily soak myself to the skin by wasting time later in the night walking round an empty field. There didn't appear to be any obvious troublemakers on the site, which is always a good thing. I managed to lock up all the amenities buildings and close the gates, before heading back around the site again. I had just left the gates when I heard a minibus pull up, so I went down to the corner nearest the gate, where I can see what's happening, but those at the gate can't see me. Luckily, they parked up and walked in reasonably quietly, apart from two of them. The two who stayed at the minibus pottered around for a while, before heading in to bed. A few moments later, a threesome of bikers pulled up at the gate and turned their engines off. I walked out to ensure that they weren't planning on leaving the bikes directly in front of the gate, they weren't. I spoke to one of the group who asked if they could push the bikes in, sans engines. I told them that they could, although I did feel sorry for the owner of the faster-looking bike, as his appeared to be twice as heavy as the others. With the bikers safely tucked up in their bed, I made my way around the park. As I came out of one of the fields, I noticed a group running from the toilets carrying something large and shiny. I couldn't make out what it was, so I followed them. Unfortunately, by the time I'd walked round, they were in their tents and silent.

Fortunately, the rain had subsided enough for a group of young guys to dig out the disposable barbeque and light it. I walked over to make sure that they were quiet and not going to hack down a sapling and sacrifice it over their disposable barbeque. As I was talking to the group, who were very talkative, I heard a loud noise from a nearby tent, shortly followed by lots of swearing. They quietened down before I could get to them, so I didn't bother giving them a warning. I walked away from the group, just as their barbeque was dying down enough for them to cook their dinner on it and the rain started again.

As I was walking towards the field where most of the trouble is, a male approached me and asked the usual, "Do you work here?" I answered with the affirmative and he told me that he was having trouble sleeping, due to "a large group of youths" who were throwing a party in a minibus. I knew immediately who the group was and where their minibus was, so I told the gentleman that by the time he had crawled back into his sleeping bag, I would have taken care of it. As soon as I entered the field, I could hear the sound of a TV being played very loudly inside a minibus. As it was getting on for midnight, I walked straight over to the 'bus and slapped the palm of my hand against the drivers door several times, the door opened and a drunken "youth" attempted to focus on me. I warned them quite severely that if the TV wasn't turned off, then they would be leaving, due to the fact I had several complaints about the excessive levels of noise coming from them. Thankfully, the passenger was slightly more sober and assured me that they would turn it down, which he did. The door closed and I walked off, only to walk approximately six feet away, for the TV to be turned back on again. This time, I felt I had to be more direct. They were told to turn the TV off and head to bed; again they reluctantly agreed and closed the door. I stood at the rear of the 'bus, so that if they happened to look in their mirrors, they'd notice I wasn't going anywhere. When I heard the doors opening and "youths" heading towards the nearby tents, I walked around the field to ensure that they were going to bed and they would be quiet. Which, thankfully, they were. Although I did receive several complaints about them in the morning, but they were happy that I had intervened at an early stage and they had managed to get a decent night's sleep.

Later, as I was checking the amenities buildings, I noticed a small plastic tag on the floor of one building; I recognised it as being the security tag for the fire extinguisher which, when I looked towards the rather empty looking hook on the wall, was missing. I then recalled noticing a group running off from the building carrying something large and silver. The missing fire extinguisher. I checked the remaining amenities buildings and then walked over to the direction of the tents that I had previously heard the strange noise from earlier in the evening, as I was walking towards the tents, I noticed the fire extinguisher abandoned in the middle of another group of tents. Luckily I was in the field at the time, so I knew which tents had discharged it. I made a note of their number and found the corresponding vehicle in the car park.

As the end of the shift rolled around, I met the manager and told him what had happened during the night. After having me confirm which tent had set off the fire extinguisher, we piled into his car and drove around there. Given the fact that they had discharged it quite early in the morning, they wouldn't have got much sleep before the manager went over and gave them a rude awakening. I've often wondered what goes on when he says "Don't worry, I've had a word with them." or "They got an early morning call from me." Now I know and it's not good, the nearby tents, which were all just getting up had heard the disturbance and had gone outside their tents to watch. Of course, the group denied it and weren't too happy that they were given fifteen minutes to pack up and leave. However, after they had packed up, one of the group came in to apologise for what he'd done and duly left the site.

A-tea-tude Problem

2009-05-28T09:24:00.005+01:00

Has it really been a month already, since I last made a blog post? I had been meaning to get around to it at some point, but I must have forgotten. Well, since I last updated the blog, the site has been pretty busy and there have been several bloggable points. I won't mention them all, because that would be spoiling you too much and you probably don't want to read a tome of a post, so I'll whittle it down to the more memorable moments on the park over the past few weeks.

It was half an hour before opening up time, so I was still wandering around the park in a daze, trying to find things to do to pass the time, when I heard a small argument taking place nearby. I could see from where I was that it involved a member of staff, so I decided to let them argue it out. After waiting about five minutes, I ventured round to open up the first amenities block, when I was stopped by a female.

"Excuse me, are you the warden?"
"Yes, is there a problem?"

I could tell by the location of the argument and the fact that there was nobody else awake at that time of the morning, that this was the person who had decided to pick a fight with a member of staff.

"Does that guy (pointing in the direction of a nearby caravan) work here?"
"Yes, he does."
"Right, well I want his name. I'm going to make a complaint about him."
"What seems to be the problem?"
"I was up early, because I couldn't sleep, so I decided to make a cup of tea. I was trying to find my teabags and milk in the car, and then this guy shouted at us."

It turns out that when I heard the first argument take place, that's when the member of staff had decided to shout at her for waking him up. Despite the fact that this staffer is known to sleep with earplugs in. So the female decided to confront him, to find out what his problem was.

When the female told me what the staffer had said to her, that he had come back at around 2am (remember this, it's important later) and was trying to sleep, as he had work in the morning. The female then told me that she thought she heard a female's voice inside the caravan, I tried not to laugh at this point, but when she said,

"Maybe he picked up an old tart in town and she wasn't giving him any. He's got an attitude problem."
"Well, to be honest, he's not the most cheerful of people at this time of the morning."

I had to try my hardest to stifle a chuckle. Shortly after finishing our conversation, I went to open up the amenities building, laughing heartily on the inside.

Just around clocking-off time, I spoke to the manager and warned him of the possible approach of a venomous Glaswegian with a complaint against a member of staff and that she wasn't happy at all. As I walked back around to chat to the day staff, the staffer came out of his caravan and walked past the two females. I only heard one side of the conversation, his.

"You shouldn't be on a campsite anyway"
(Raised voice)"Ya bastards!"

When he walked over, he started talking to me and asking if there were any problems during the night. I gave a brief recap of the events, to which he replied,

"I heard a group coming back, just before one, very noisy crowd. Any hassle with them?"

So, despite the fact that he told the two females he was out partying until two in the morning, he was, in fact, trying to sleep.

When I retold the story to one of the senior wardens, he laughed,

"The only 'old tart' he'll be getting, is an out-of-date bakewell tart from Tesco's."

Yes, there may be many things that he is, but a big spender, he is not. He is well known for heading off to the local supermarket, just before closing time, or even first thing in the morning, to see what bargains he can pick up.

I apologise for the lack of posts, I've been trying to catch up with countless other things, as well as try to get some sleep. I shall make more of an effort in the future, now that the busy season is starting to kick off.

My Sexy Legs.

2009-04-23T17:58:00.004+01:00

There have been several changes on the park since last year, some of which are more noticeable than others. The more evident of these changes are the fact that the Park Manager, Alex, has left for pastures new and that the 'Silence Policy' is no longer enforceable. It is now my task to ensure the park is quiet, without using forceful tactics (ie. "Shut up, or you're leaving.") Despite these radical changes, I've decided that I shall be carrying my 'trusty steed' with me every night, should things turn ugly.

Not long after my return to the park this year, I was faced with a situation which sparked me to return to this blog. Something I thought I wouldn't be doing for a long while, but due to the high levels of madness I observe on the site, on an almost nightly basis, some things are too good to be kept to oneself.

Whilst walking through the sparsely populated tent field, I heard a lot of shouting coming from the direction of the Reception area. As it was after midnight, I decided to wander over and tell them to argue quietly. As I was walking over to that area, I saw a female staggering around amongst the trees and a male on the roadside. Whether they were playing a late-night version of 'Hide and go seek' is unclear, but they were shouting to each other, despite being only several feet away from each other. I shone my torch on the female, who was in a squatting position (thankfully she was just squatting), and I managed to count to ten seconds before she turned around. As I made my way over to her, she stood upright again. She obviously missed the episode of 'Ray Mears - Extreme Survival' when Ray dons a leopard-skin dress and heels to hide in the bushes of a campsite and warned the audience "DON'T try this at home." She clocked the bright yellow jacket and immediately spewed forth a tirade of verbal diarrhoea in a thick Mancunian accent. I tried to comprehend what she was saying, whilst walking back through the bushes to the male, but it was completely pointless. The only thing I could make out was "My legs, my sexy legs!" It was then I looked down and noticed that she had managed to scratch her legs quite badly after walking through a bush somewhere and they were bleeding a little.

The argument continued, with the male looking very sorry for himself and apologising for the amount of noise which was coming from the leggy leopard. I asked them both to quieten down as much as possible before heading off. As I left the shouting match behind, I walked towards Reception, only to be met by a vehicle driving towards me. I stood in the middle of the road to stop the car, only for the driver to swerve to one side, quickly followed by a sidestep from me to bring the vehicle to a sharp halt, inches from my shins. I walked over and questioned why the driver was moving his car around at this late hour, when he spoke I could smell the sickly sweet smell of alcopops on his breath, he told me he was moving his car next to his tent. I politely reminded him that he wasn't and to reverse back a few yards and park his car where it had sat all night. A mini-protest followed, and I shortly discovered why, but he reluctantly reversed his car at an angle, almost hitting one of the park vehicles, before turning the wheel sharply and reversing his rear wheel onto the grass. I could tell from the angle of his driving that he was on the grass and at each corner of that patch of grass, there are large rocks. It came as no surprise when I heard a loud crunching sound. He drove off rather quickly after that. When I looked at the car in the light of day, there was a nice dent in the wheel-arch where his shiny new car had met the large rock.

Ten minutes later, the shouting had recommenced, so I made my way over to the couple. The female was laying on a sun-lounger, with her "wounds" being tended to by a passing nurse. I arrived, torch in hand, to shed some light onto the situation. Even though the nurse was struggling to put the bandages on the mouthy Mancunian's legs, due to the female still verbally abusing her partner, I think she did a sterling job. After the nurse had left and the male, who was looking more sheepish by the second, had regained as much of his manhood as he could muster despite being called every name under the sun, I asked the couple to split for the evening and keep quiet. It was my understanding that the female would sleep in the tent and the male in his car.

I managed a complete lap of the park, partly because I had overlooked it for so long and partly as a lap of victory. However, it wasn't long before the male had found his way back to the tent and was in the process of being beaten by the young female, that I decided to call out the manager. I went over and tried to calm them down, the female then resorted to calling her partner a paedophile and that he should go back to his wife, to whom he has several children with. It was in the process of this argument, that I learned that the male was in his 40's and it was the females 18th birthday, although they have been together for two years. Just as I, and the rest of the tents in the vicinity, were about to get their entire life stories a powerful beam of light interrupted cut through the argument and the bearer of the high powered torch homed in on the female.

"Right, folks, you seem to be causing some disturbance. I'd advise you to shut up now."
"Wha', 'oo do you fink you is?"
"I'm the boss."

Not quite the approach Alex would have had, but I'd give his performance an eight out of ten for effort. After a lengthy debate, which involved 'the boss' driving the young female to the other side of the park to try and prevent her from causing another uproar and a severe talking-to to the sheepish male, quietness reigned upon the park once again.

Not ten minutes had passed when I met the male at the toilet block, who informed me that the female had calmed down and was now fast asleep in the 'warmth' of the tent. I told the male that it was fine by me, but if they started arguing again . . .

"...we'll be thrown off the park, yeah, I know. Sorry."

For the rest of the night they were quiet and even though they were due to stay with us for a few nights, the male went into Reception the next morning and apologised for the disturbance he and his partner had caused. He was looking forward to his few days away from home, but all he was leaving with was his ex-partner and a deep sense of utter embarrassment.

Still, it's nice to see that everything is normal on the site this year.

Sorry for the delay . . .

2009-04-22T06:00:00.003+01:00

Well, after several months in hiatus, I've decided to restart this blog. You're probably all wondering why I stopped blogging in the first place. Well, there's a simple reason and a complex reason behind it. I think, for the purposes of this post, I'll explain the simple reason.

Last year there were several events around the time of my last post, which I can't go into, which could have given away my location and such. I decided rather than blogging about them, that I would stop for a while. I didn't intend to stop blogging completely, but after a while I became involved in other projects outside of work and I never got around to blogging again. Now that those projects have been put firmly on the back-burner for the time being, it is in my intentions to restart this blog again. This all depends on whether the past readers of the blog want it to continue or not. So leave comments and let me know if I should continue with my work or whether the blog should be fenced off for pitch regeneration works forever.

I have a few posts I have lined up to get back into the swing of things, but it would be pointless to post them if nobody is going to read them.

Semi-Naked Party

2008-07-11T18:57:00.002+01:00

Just when I thought that everything was going to plan and I was looking at another quiet night on the park, the smallest thing initiated a snowball of events. Who would have thought that a tick would cause so much hassle?

I was on my way to lock up one of the amenities buildings, when I was stopped by a female punter. She then informed me that her husband had a tick and wasn't sure how to remove it. I then went to their motorhome and spoke to the couple to find out how serious it was. When the male informed me that he had numerous other medical complaints, I advised him to go to the local hospital to have it removed there. The male was slightly wary, as he knew that the gates would be closing soon and was concerned about getting back into the park for the night. I reassured him that I was on all night and the chances of me hearing him coming back were quite high and I would have no problems with letting them back on. The couple then went to the hospital to have the tick removed.

After I had locked up the first amenities building, I was heading towards the second one, when I noticed a familiar figure walking around. It was the owner of the site. I eventually caught up with him and he informed me that he had heard a noise as he was passing and came to find out where it was coming from. I pointed out that there were two large groups in close proximity to each other and it may have been them. He thanked me for the information and headed around to where the groups were pitched.

I locked one door on the second amenities building and heard a lot of voices next door in the laundry facilities. When I opened the door, however, nothing could have prepared me for what lay before my eyes. A group of teenagers, male and female, wearing only their underwear. I told them that the facilities were now closed, it was ten past eleven. As they had just put their only clothes into the dryers, I agreed to let them have another ten minutes to make themselves decent and vacate the premises. After I had locked up the other side of the building, I went to close the gate. It was now 11.20pm. In all my time on the site, I don't think the gate has ever been closed as late as that before.

The rest of the night passed fairly quietly, with only one incident. A female, at half past one in the morning decided to let out a blood-curdling scream when she saw me approach because, according to her friends, she "thought I was a ghost".

Otherwise the park is busy, but generally quiet. Hopefully this spell will last until, at least, the end of the season.

School Holidays

2008-07-03T09:55:00.002+01:00

Now that all the schools across the UK are now on holiday, this should be the time the campsite springs into life and is absolutely packed with punters. Except its not. OK, so there is one or two around, but it's hardly bursting at the seams.

I was pre-warned by Alex about a certain young group of males who were causing a nuisance on the site. Aside from kicking a football around outside the main reception area, much to Alex's annoyance, they were standing around outside the entrance to the shop asking everyone and anyone who entered to buy them cigarettes. Once Alex got wind of their little scheme, he sent them on their way. Only, he didn't see which way they went. I was then asked to track down three young males ("Two medium, one small") and find out which group they were with. Facing a near-impossible task, I set off around the park.

Apart from the little congregation which had gathered in one of the laundry rooms in the amenities block, the entire site was quiet. It remained that way for the entire night.

As it is 'that time of year', there are a lot of little baby rabbits running around the site. I would have counted them, had I not already been given an impossible task for the evening, but I decided against it. There is now one less baby rabbit running around on the campsite, no thanks to a dark brown cat. Whilst I was walking around one of the fields, I noticed the cat with something in its mouth. It was only when I got closer to the cat that I noticed the grey, furry thing hanging limply from its mouth was one of the baby rabbits. The ironic thing is; the cat had one of those bells to alert birds to the fact a cat was nearby. The baby rabbit must have been transfixed by the jangling, that it was an easy target for the cat. I did chase it, but it kept its breakfast at all times.

Other than that, it was a peaceful night all round.

Back once again.

2008-07-02T08:31:00.002+01:00

For those of you who thought I had given up the blog, you were very wrong. I had a few loose ends that I had to tie up and had to take some time out from the blogging game. So for those of you who are still checking the site from time to time, thank you. Let me update you on what has happened over the past month on the site.

Bryan, the night warden, has left to pursue other interests. He lasted two weeks. Never fear, as he was replaced within the week (meaning that I didn't miss my days off) by the new night warden, Martin. He seems fairly confident so far, but only time will tell.

Other than that, it has been a very quiet season so far. There have been the occasional little bits of fun here and there, but to recall each and every one of them would take forever. I shall start to blog once more, starting from today, and I will make every effort to continue until the park closes its gate in a few months time.

Quiet Riot

2008-05-31T17:57:00.002+01:00

There's nothing worse than having to deal with the aftermath of an incident, when you weren't aware of the incident taking place and having to explain yourself to punters. It doesn't happen very often, but when it does it makes you think that you weren't doing your job well enough. At least I have a reasonable excuse for not hearing the incident; I was on shift with Bryan last night. It looks like I tuned him out and also any other noise on the site. Again he talked for the entire shift. He also saw a UFO when I was off this week, so that goes to show what kind of person I have to spend almost ten hours of my day with.

With everything locked up, albeit ten minutes later due to Bryan's incessant ramblings, I decided to walk around with him to make sure he spoke to people in the correct manner and that he was settling into the job. Unfortunately, when he spoke to the occupants of a tent, he wasn't introducing himself. When I corrected him, he made a vague attempt at a joke about it and no matter what I said; he couldn't understand why he had to introduce himself to them when he spoke to the occupants of a noisy tent. It was because of this, that I had to walk around with him for the duration of the shift.

The whole evening passed by without having to speak to anyone more than once. There was no rioting going on, which we were aware of, bearing in mind that no matter whereabouts you are on the site, you will hear someone coughing, let alone having a full-scale domestic. So it came as a bit of a surprise when a small male with a mullet haircut (I think that this was more surprising than anything else) and very thick glasses, which made his eyes appear to be huge, approached us outside the office within the last hour of the shift.

"Do you have a postbox?" he asked.
"Yes, just around the front." I replied.

A few minutes later, he reappeared still clutching his hand-written note to Alex. When he asked for a postbox (as you and I would assume would be a run-of-the-mill Royal Mail postbox) he was actually looking for a letterbox at reception. When he couldn't find one, he returned and voiced his complaint to us. Naturally we were both concerned, as we hadn't heard anything. Had I been on my own last night, I am pretty certain I would have heard something. After Mr. Mullet had left, I read his letter to Alex. After trying to read his illegible note and trying to ascertain what had happened, things started to fall into place in my mind.

After we had cleaned up one amenities block, a female went in to use the facilities. Normally, no matter what time of the morning they usually say hello or something not entirely dissimilar. This woman said nothing. As we walked to the second amenities block, I heard a vehicle engine starting up and as I scanned the park, I noticed a white estate car driving around the park. Bearing in mind this was at around half past four in the morning and it was a diesel engine. When the car got to the junction where it could turn left for the main entrance or right for a highly populated tent field, I was surprised when it turned to the right. With myself and Bryan blocking the road, the driver (the female who had been in the previous amenities block and said nothing to us) attempted to drive around us. Now, regardless of the time of morning, you would notice two people blocking the road dressed in fluorescent coats. When she did stop the vehicle, she informed us of her intention to drive around the densely populated tent field a few times to warm up her car as she was a bit cold. Showing a blatant disregard for her fellow campers, we told her to go back to her tent and park up, turn the engine off and go back to sleep. When she parked up, I heard the engine being switched off (This is an important part, remember this).

We continued to tidy up the amenities block and moved onto the third one. I noticed a male and his young daughter packing up their tent, bearing in mind there was still an hour to go before the gates opened, so we went to have a word with him. He came across as very arrogant and facetious. As soon as we were out of his line of sight, but we could see him quite clearly from our vantage point, he drove down to the gate. I pointed out to Bryan that we had asked him to not move the vehicle on the site until after six o'clock. Because he had ignored this, it was to be his downfall.

As we were checking the female toilets, a male stood outside and shouted into us. Now, I had noticed this male not ten minutes previously running to the toilet and back to his motorhome (which isn't unusual, as the sunrise is very early and consequently it brightens early too so people think that it's later than it actually is.) He told us that he had to start a challenge at 5:30am and needed to get out. Bryan looked at me, and I at him, I gave a slight nod and he went to let them out.

Now, you'll have noticed this in your everyday lives and it was certainly very evident last night, the "snowball effect" isn't something I enjoy before six o'clock. Whenever punters hear someone driving around, and they also wanted to leave early, they will then proceed to do so. Two vehicles drove down to the gate before six, but explain this: when we opened the gate at six, there was only one waiting and the gate had not been opened.

After receiving the letter from Mr. Mullet, who had very helpfully noted down the vehicle registration number in his letter, we decided to have a walk around to see if we could find it. I knew in the back of my mind that the angry estate-car driver was one of the spokes in the riot. We walked around and I mentioned, in passing, to Bryan, "What's the bet that it's the woman we stopped earlier?" I found the vehicle in question, glanced at the registration number and, lo and behold, they matched.

As we approached the vehicle, I checked to see which tent was theirs and to see when they were leaving. The vehicle was in the car park, with both of the occupants asleep and the engine running. It was now seven o'clock and it had been like this since around 5.30am, if Mr. Mullet is to be believed. A female, from the tent directly opposite the car, approached us and asked if we were "in authority." She then told us her version of the story, which made it seem like we had missed World War Three. I think, and I can sympathise with her entirely, from her perspective that because she had her young family with her and they were all subjected to a verbal onslaught of varying degrees of expletives from around 9pm the previous evening, she wasn't entirely happy. We assured her that, with her complaint and others received, they would be getting a rude awakening and being asked to leave very early. She seemed happy with this outcome, as she and her family were due to stay with us for another few nights.

Bryan walked over to the vehicle, and I stood in front of it (it's a little trick to ensure that the first thing they see when they wake up is the jacket and think they are in more serious trouble), he knocked on the window and the male woke up, turned the engine off and was then asked by Bryan to keep the engine off. He agreed, closed the car door and went back to the land of slumber.

So it was, by all accounts, an eventful night. It's just a shame that because of Bryan's incessant talking that I missed the signs of the quietest riot known to have occurred.

I'm not dead!

2008-05-27T16:24:00.003+01:00

If you believe for one second that I haven't had any trouble on the site for the past two weeks, then you're very much mistaken. I just haven't had the chance to write it all down in blog form, so I'll give you a quick rundown of what I've had to deal with and then deal with the latest happenings on the site.

The owners of a large estate car who decided to ignore the 'Please do not park on the grass' signs and drive across a protected wildlife area in order to park next to their tent. When I asked them to move, at 2230hours, they were very reluctant to do so. They then went in and complained the next morning to Alex that I had; a.) Shaken their tent wildly and shouted very loudly in order to wake them up (they were already awake, so no shaking/shouting took place) b.) Told them to move the car at midnight, which was 'well after the silence policy' and 'totally unacceptable' (they were actually asked to move at 2230hrs, well before the silence policy and completely acceptable.) Luckily Alex had already read my report and told them to 'go away'.
Numerous fires involving various substances, none of which were allowed.
Offered a bottle of Stella Artois (classy, I know) by a young lad, who didn't look any older than 12. His parents thought that this was hilarious, that shows what kind of family they were.
Singing drunks making their way back from town. Telling them to be quiet and then being propositioned to fight by one of them. Half an hour later, I then received a complaint from a neighbouring tent about the noise levels from the singing drunks.
Getting promoted from a PC to a Detective by the aforementioned singing drunks. It's amazing how anyone with a fluorescent jacket is automatically thought of as Police.
Having to ask a group of males to quieten down twice in the space of 300 yards.
Holding up the Army as they tried to leave the site at five in the morning with three minibuses and two cars. They were due to start a challenge at five, but due to my interfering and being generally annoyed by them, they didn't stop arguing until five thirty, when I finally let them out. They budgeted for around £50 for all of them; the final total was more than double that. They lied about the number of people/vehicles/tents they had, when they didn't realise that I went round and counted up every tent and vehicle for the report.

On top of all that, I now have an assistant. His name is Bryan and on his first shift, he talked the entire night. Now that he is trained up, he's out on his own and I look forward to my nights off. I promise that posting on a regular basis will return to normal very soon.

You're having a laugh!

2008-05-13T20:45:00.002+01:00

The other night there was three tents pitched next to each other, although they weren't a group, but they did act as though they were. It was these three tents which made me have to call Alex out of his bed at half past two in the morning.

When they all arrived back, I reminded them of the silence policy. They didn't all arrive back at once though.

The first two came back at around one o'clock, were fairly reasonable. Although I had to ask them to turn the music off as there were people trying to sleep nearby and it was causing a disturbance. Ten minutes later and their neighbours arrived back. I gave them the obligatory ten minutes to quieten down, which they didn't, so I had to go and have a word with them again.

As I approached the tent, from behind, they had the music on again (its times like these, I wish I were allowed to forcibly remove the batteries or throw the stereo into the river). Again I asked them to quieten down, to which one male replied,

"I came on holiday and I'm not allowed to have fun?"
"Not at half one in the morning you're not."

Then, as I was walking off, another male shouted,

"Yeah. Goodbye now!"

I've learned from experience to just walk away and ignore them. Luckily, a few cars arrived back, so I went down to the gate to greet them and remind them of the silence policy, etc.

Part of the returning party was the final tent in the non-group who were causing a disturbance.

After I had dealt with the vehicles that had pulled into the car park, I noticed that a taxi was still parked at the gate. I walked over to the driver's side window and enquired if everything was OK. Apparently it wasn't. The final group of the 'non-group' had got out of the taxi and had pulled the old trick of,

"I'm just going to go and get some money."

And not return. Unfortunately for the runaways, one of them had left their, rather expensive looking, mobile phone in the taxi. I stood and spoke with the driver and made the usual enquiries and general small-talk. After about ten minutes, no one came back to pay the fare, so the driver informed me that if he wanted his mobile phone back, he'd have to go to the Police Station and admit to taking the taxi without paying for it, just to get his phone back.

After the taxi left, I went back up to check on the group. It came as no surprise to find that they had the music on again. As soon as they saw me coming, they turned it off. I asked them to ensure that the music stayed off, as it was almost two in the morning, this brought the replies of; "Music? What music?" and "We weren't playing music." I felt that this was just cause for bringing a sleepy, angry Alex out to have a word in their collective ears. When I told them that the Park Manager would be called, they protested, "You're having a laugh!", "You're joking" etc.

They didn't see the funny side when Alex went to have a word with them though and when he ejected one of the tents at eight o'clock the following morning.

~ The following night, when they arrived back, one of them asked me if I "was up for a game of Frisbee later on." I politely reminded him that if he tried it, I would personally remove him and his gang of reprobates from the park. ~

At around three in the morning, two males returned from the town suitably refreshed. Refreshed enough to hardly be able to stand up, let alone walk. After speaking to them several times within the space of one-hundred yards about the noise levels, I followed them to their tent. They were drunk enough to go in, fall over and be out like a light. However, half an hour later when I was walking around the park, I heard one of the males in the tent utter:

"I think I'm going to be sick!"

To which came no reply. This was closely followed by the sound of projectile vomiting (bear in mind this was a rather small two-man tent). Nevertheless, his drunken cohort was fast asleep and blissfully unaware that he had just been vomited upon by his friend.

Nice to see karma making a reappearance this season . . .

Angry Neighbours

2008-05-09T09:29:00.001+01:00

As I arrived on site, I knew that I was going to have an interesting night. Partly due to the fact that once I had boiled the kettle in the office, I heard an almighty bellow coming from one of the fields. Sadly, I wasn't on shift, so I couldn't (and wouldn't) do anything about it.

After finishing my coffee, I decided to venture out into the unknown territory of the site. By the time I had walked around and noted down who I thought was going to cause trouble, it was time to lock up for the night. Once everything was secure, I heard a familiar sounding bellow from one of the tent fields. I made my way over there and quickly discovered which tent was making the noise. They were told to quieten down with immediate effect, which they reluctantly did so . . . for about five minutes.

As I was leaving the field, I noticed someone walking in. The walk was familiar and when they spoke, I recognised the voice immediately. It was the Assistant Park Manager. Apparently, the tent opposite the one I had just spoken to, had called him out. The occupants of the tent were trying to get their young child to sleep, but because of the incessant noise coming from the opposite tent, their attempts were failing miserably. The complainant then went across to the group and asked them to quieten down, as he was attempting to get his child to sleep. His protestation was met with a response of, "Fuck off!" When he realised they weren't going to be quiet, he called the Assistant Park Manager out. After he had spoken to them, they headed towards the toilet block. Generally this means they are going to get ready for bed and call it a night. We left them to it.

About two hours later, a taxi pulled up at the entrance and out fell the group who were making a noise. They had evidently run out of alcohol and had gone to town in search of more. I asked them to be as silent as possible when going through the park and when they got into their tent. I knew from the outset that they wouldn't adhere to park protocol, so I followed them to their tent.

By the time they had got there, they were still making a lot of noise. I decided to give them their final warning. This is usually enough to make the majority of the punters shut up and go to bed. There are a small minority who go against the grain. Can you guess which category this group fell into?

As they weren't showing any signs of quietening down and going to bed, with no regard to the fact there was a family with small children opposite them and it was fast approaching two in the morning, I decided to call Alex.

I was to approach the tent with the talk button keyed on the radio, to enable Alex to hear the conversation which ensued. Unfortunately this idea didn't go according to plan, as one of the group was lying half-in and half-out of the tent telling the other members of the party to quieten down whenever he saw me approaching. Sadly though, he was only watching the road entrance to the field. There are other ways in.

I approached the tent from behind, with the radio button keyed, and asked them to quieten down as the Park Manager had been called and if they weren't silent within two minutes, they would be ejected from the site. This seemed to do the trick, as they were silent within one minute of me talking to them.

Steady Increase

2008-05-03T17:25:00.002+01:00

Over the past three days, the site has gone from very quiet to fairly busy. I can only presume that when I go in tonight that it will be busier still. No matter how busy the site gets at this time of year, I am out there on my own. So I'll apologise in advance if I seem aggressive. You'd think it was understandable under these circumstances.

As I pulled into the site last night, I was overwhelmed by the smell of burning wood. So much so, that I started my shift earlier than usual, yet I won't be paid or given any thanks for doing so. I decided to find the source of the fire, which wasn't too difficult. When I arrived at the tent, I was met by three young males. I asked them to put the fire out and waited there until they had done so. After that, it was time for a quick walk around the site to see where the troublemakers were pitched and back to the office to pick up the lock for the gate. Obviously, I'm used to starting later than this, so when I checked the time as I left the office, I was quite surprised to find that I still had another half an hour before the gates were due to be locked.

I walked around the site several times, once I had locked the gates, and focussed my attention on one tent that were making a lot of noise, oblivious to the fact there were several tents in close proximity to theirs. I asked them to quieten down; they heard me but continued with their conversation. I reminded them that "Now means now." and they got the hint, for the time being. When I returned to their tent, about half an hour later, they were all crowded in the entrance of the tent, talking loudly and pointing skywards. I made my presence known, which they ignored, and asked them to quieten down for the second time otherwise the manager would be called out and they would be asked to leave, tonight. One of the group said, "I think he wants us to shut up and go to bed." Which they did. Eventually.

By this time, Alex had shouted me on the radio and was heading out to walk around the site with me for a while. Unfortunately it didn't last long, and I was soon alone again.

A quick walk to the reserved field to ask a group of males to quieten down, who informed me that they were just going to bed anyway. Experience has taught me well enough that when someone says this, they are 99.9% talking utter rubbish. Which is why I wasn't too surprised when I returned forty minutes later to give them a final warning, I could hear them clearly from two fields away, that they eventually shut up and went to their beds.

As I was walking around one of the tent fields, I heard a vehicle with its engine running, so I made my way over to it. Inside the car it was pitch black, except for the few lights on the dashboard, so it was impossible to tell if there was anyone inside it. I waited around near the vehicle to see if anyone would return to it. After a few minutes, a male exited the toilet block and made his way towards the car. I asked him if he was the owner of the vehicle, to which he replied the affirmative, so I asked him to turn the engine off. As he did so, the occupants of the tent opposite the vehicle voiced their thanks.

"Yay! Thank you!"

I was sorely tempted to give them permission to violently beat him, should he decide to switch the ignition on during the night. I didn't want to encourage them, so I left them to it silently laughing to myself.

Back in tonight, and I have been reliably informed that the site will be busier than last night.

Fire in the hole!

2008-04-25T17:58:00.002+01:00

Campfires and anyone caught burning anything other than charcoal, will be facing a visit from yours truly. So, can anyone explain to me why I had to visit three tents last night, who were all burning wood? The coincidence on this occasion was that all three were in the same field within yards of each other. It proclaims quite clearly in the site rules, of which everyone is given when they book in, that campfires are prohibited.

I noticed the first one, mainly due to its size, as soon as I had left the comfort of the office. I didn't want to go directly there, as this is usually when people become very defensive. So I decided to go the "scenic" route. This way I'd be able to sneak up on them from behind and appear from the shadows and catch them off-guard. I've found that this is the most effective way, as most people are unprepared for anyone appearing from behind their tent and usually comply with any instructions they are given.

As I approached, I could tell by the scent that the punters were burning tree-branches. I asked the male to put the fire out and that wood fires were prohibited on the site. He seemed genuinely apologetic, but this was down to the fact he had been caught off-guard. As I stood there, ensuring that he put the fire out, his wife/girlfriend/partner decided to shoot me a few dirty looks. All of which were ignored. I felt something brush past my leg and heard panting, blindly I put my hand down and petted the dog which was at my side. As I looked down, I noticed the animal wasn't on a leash, the male was then asked a further question, "Is this your dog?" to which the affirmative was replied, I then asked him to put it on a leash. He apologised, again, and did so. It was only when he called the dog over to him and it was in the light of the tent, that I realised I had been blindly petting a rottweiler.

The second group, were huddled under a tarpaulin with a charcoal barbeque with added branches. I approached them from the side, almost getting attacked by a tree in the process, and asked them to put out the fire. I briefly explained the rules regarding fires, which went unnoticed, and was told by the male that he had found the branches 'over there'. On a campsite, more specifically my site, there is no shortage of trees. So pointing out to me which tree you stripped, is of no relevance to myself. They reluctantly put out the fire and I walked off.

I hadn't walked much more than ten feet or so, when I came across a small stone fireplace, still smouldering, in the car park. As there was no one near it, I decided to use the conveniently placed bottle of water to extinguish the remains of the fire. From the contents of the fireplace, it appears they were burning paper or a similar material. This is, again, on the list of 'Things which shouldn't be used on the site.' As I walked off, a male exited the toilet block and made his way towards me, we exchanged pleasantries and I continued on my way. When I got to the bottom of the field, I turned around. The male who had exited the toilets as I was putting the remains of the fire out, was surveying the scene, before getting into his tent. It would appear that this punter was the firestarter.

Aside from that, the rest of the night passed very quickly with nothing of note happening. I read, and finished, an entire book, it was that quiet.

Just Say NO!

2008-04-21T11:00:00.002+01:00

On hindsight, that could have saved me from becoming very stressed the other night.

It started off quiet enough, but soon descended into madness. At around a quarter to midnight, a minibus pulled up at the gate, realised it was closed so they parked up in the bays provided. I went down to the gate to investigate what was going on. They had apparently phoned up earlier in the evening and had been told that it was OK and they could arrive whenever they wanted, as there was a Night Warden on duty to let them onto the park. Once the driver had verified that I was the Night Warden, he asked if I could open the gate so he and the other fifteen members of his party could pitch their tents. I told him that the gates were locked at 11pm and he was almost an hour too late to get onto the site. Initially, I wasn't happy to let such a large crowd onto the park at this late hour, so I radioed Alex to find out if he knew anything about them. Unsurprisingly, he didn't and told me to inform them of the various other car parks in the area, as they weren't going to be sleeping here tonight. They weren't happy at this decision and asked to speak to Alex. I would have loved to drag him all the way down to the site, only to watch the fireworks which would undoubtedly follow, then watching them leave the site. One of the group had friends on the site and asked me if it was OK for him to go on the park. I was fine with this, under certain circumstances. Those were that he slept in his friend’s tent and if I caught him pitching his own tent, then he would be removed from the site with a Police escort.

A short while later, a large four wheel drive vehicle pulled into the car park. I spoke to the female driver, who informed me that they had just driven for several hours and weren't aware the gates would be locked. She had her husband and two young children with her; I trusted my instinct and let them onto the park. After I had told them the various rules and regulations, I was walking off and her two young children, both of them, said "Thank you." Their parents did not utter a word. They were quiet for the rest of the night and they even extended their stay on the site for a few days.

I walked around the site, ensuring that everyone was quiet and nothing untoward was happening whilst I had been distracted by the late arrivals. I then heard another vehicle at the entrance, so I made my way down to ensure all was well.

As I reached the gate, a young couple got out of their vehicle and walked towards the entrance. They asked me if they could pitch their tent for the night. I gave them a quick glance up and down and decided to let them onto the park. I gave them a quick lecture about the rules and regulations, which they were happy with, and pointed to the area next to the family, who had arrived about half an hour prior to them. I walked towards reception to ensure they knew where to pitch their tent and that everything was in order.

They stood there for a few moments, before heading over to where the family's tent was and walked past it. So far past it, they were heading into the caravan section. I walked over to them and asked them to pitch up next to the two tents which were there already. The female apologised and said they were "lost." I sighed (I have to stop sighing at people, it's becoming a habit) and pointed to the two tents and said, "Just pitch next to them."

I decided to take a walk around the park, as I thought I had heard a disturbance, which turned out to be nothing. When I arrived back, the family was settling down for the night, yet the young couple was nowhere to be seen. I looked around, in all directions, and then I noticed a light at the bottom of the caravan field. I knew that it was the young couple immediately, so I headed off down towards them. Again I asked them to pitch next to the other two tents, and then I walked off towards reception. When I got there, I turned around and noticed them about to set up their tent in the middle of the caravan field, nowhere near the other two tents. I walked quickly over to them and asked if there were any problems (they were British, so there were no language barriers which it could be blamed on). The female told me that they had "heard voices" from the other two tents and didn't want to disturb them by setting up their tent.

I was quickly losing patience.

I instructed them to pitch next to the other two tents and left them to it. My stress levels were becoming quite high, so I decided to calm down by taking a walk around the site. When I came back, they were nowhere to be seen. I then noticed two figures heading into another of the tent fields. My instinct told me that it was them. I took a shortcut and headed after them. When I stopped them, they were quite surprised. I asked them if they were lost again and they informed me that they were going to "find our mates." I assured them there would be plenty of time for that in the morning and sent them back to pitch their tent.

After a quick coffee break, which was urgently required, I went back out to check on them and they had pitched their tent, although it wasn't next to the other two. The point is, they pitched it in the correct field and they were getting ready for bed.

Next time, anyone who tries this trick, won't get away so easily. If they can't follow a simple instruction then they will be asked to leave immediately.

Psycho's wear mittens

2008-04-16T15:50:00.003+01:00

Despite walking around the field, at the complete opposite end of the park, I still managed to get a smell of burning wood. So I had to make my way quickly to the other side of the site to the reserved field. As soon as I walked into the field, I noticed a small fire on the ground in the bottom corner of the field. Approximately thirty seconds after I had entered the field, I was stood next to two foreigners (I checked the registration number on their vehicle) asking them to put the fire out immediately. They protested, in their native language and broken English, but I was persistent and made them put the fire out. I then asked to see their ticket, which would clarify if they were allowed to pitch in the reserved field, but unsurprisingly they didn't have one. I sighed, maybe out loud I can't remember, and asked them to pack up their tent and move to the adjoining field. Again they protested and informed me that they had spoken to someone when they arrived and they had told them that they could pitch anywhere they wanted, although through broken English it did sound like the "warden" told them to specifically pitch in the extreme bottom corner of the reserved field, and pay in the morning. During this confrontation, I noticed a motorhome driving past and pulling into our driveway. Obviously I can't be in two places at once, so I let the motorhome drive back out again and head up the road. Eventually, they got the message and began to pack up their tent and, at my specific request; they leave their vehicle there and move it in the morning.

I decided to leave them to pack up and headed up the road, off site, to find the motorhome. My original intention, as it wasn't after midnight, was to let them back onto the site (if they had a valid ticket and pitch). But, by the time I had left the suspicious foreigners and made my way to the opposite side of the park (again) and further up the road, they were nowhere to be found. Mind you, I only checked one place. If they weren't there, I wasn't going to keep walking until I found them. When I noticed they weren't at the usual place, I thought "Out of sight, out of mind" and headed back to the site.

I got there just in time to see the foreign vehicle driving from their original pitch to the adjoining field. I was about to remind them of what I had asked them not to do, but figured it was too late. I then noticed someone else walking out of the reserved field, so I went to see who it was. It was one of the day wardens, whose garden backs onto the reserved field; he'd smelled the smoke and came out to see if he could help. I explained the situation to him and he left.

After about half an hour, the site was very quiet and it remained that way until I decided to take my break.

As fate would have it, that's when things start to happen. I was sitting there, with my coffee and book (watching News 24 bores me rigid, something I discovered last year), when I heard footsteps. As I had just made my first coffee of the night, I wasn't about to let it go cold for no good reason, so I put my head out of the door and noticed two shadows heading into the toilet block. Satisfied that everything was in order, I sat back down again and continued reading. A short while later, I heard the footsteps again, heading back in the direction they originated from. By this point my coffee was almost finished so I took one last mouthful, grabbed the torch and headed out into the cold April morning.

I noticed the two shadows heading up towards one of the tent fields, so I headed off in that direction, at a distance, to observe what they were up to. I got to the entrance of the field and stopped, observing the shadows and the field in general. The shadows had taken on a particularly annoying game of "Blind the Warden" with their torch. They continued this game until they got to their tent. Once they had finished playing "Blind the Warden," they acted very suspiciously around a particular tent. I wasted no time in walking over to them.

As I approached, the male recommenced his game of "Blind the Warden" combined with shouting, "Could you not shine the torch in my eyes please." To which I responded, "The feeling's mutual." He then repeated what he said, as did I. I explained to him who I was and why I was there. I then shone the torch on his tent and didn't see a ticket, so I asked him to produce it for me. It was at this point he took a particular dislike to my eyebrows or something, as he became very aggressive. He validated my thoughts, by asking me to "take a step back from him" and the fact that he had no idea who I was by saying, "there are a lot of evil fucking people in this world." I agreed with him and asked him to keep quiet, as it was three in the morning and there are people nearby trying to sleep. Again, he took offence to this by saying, "I have no fucking idea who you are, you'd better fuck off now or I'll report you, you weirdo." I walked off, laughing on the inside, to the nearest light source so I could note down the tent details and ticket reference for my report in the morning. After I had done so, I walked off only to hear the male shouting, "Yeah. Night Night! NIGHT NIGHT!" I sighed to myself but continued walking around the field. I waited on the other side of the field for a few minutes, before heading back round in the direction of his tent, to ensure all was peaceful.

As I walked up, quite some distance away from his tent, I could hear him telling the person inside the tent, "He's coming back, he's coming back." The person was asking him to quieten down and come to bed, all to no avail. As I got nearer, his voice became louder, I had to revisit him. I cut across the field and put the torch on that area, nobody told me there was such a thing as a 'light-activated-fool'. He reminded me of those plastic flowers which were sound activated, only he was activated by light, not just any light but he held a strong preference for my torch. As soon as I shone the torch on him, he started shouting loudly, with frequent swearing. I asked him to quieten down and even gestured for him to do so with my hands (something I have never had to do before, but it's not every night we have a psycho). When I realised that no amount of asking or gesturing was going to quieten him down, I threw in the towel and walked off.

Now, here's the important factor. Alex is currently off work at the moment, so I had to call out one of the day wardens. I knew for a fact that if Alex wasn't off, he would not have hesitated to kick him off the site. Any of the other wardens would adopt the more 'softly-softly' approach.

I called the day warden and explained the situation to him and he assured me he would be up in ten minutes. I walked slowly down to the gate and waited for him to arrive. When he did, I explained the situation to him and we both walked up to the entrance to the field. The tent was in darkness and strangely quiet. As we walked back down towards to the gate, having given up all hope I noticed a familiar shadow heading out of one of the other tent fields and down towards the main reception area. I told the day warden that he was probably the one we were looking for, and it was. He noticed us and marched, literally, over to us. As soon as he saw that there were two of us, he commenced his tirade of verbal diarrhoea.

The day warden attempted to quieten him down, yet he was intent on irritating us both. It was at this point that I noticed he was dressed entirely in black, like a Police armed response person, yet he had woollen mittens on with a Christmas design. Also, there wasn't a pupil in his eye. My original thoughts had been confirmed, he was obviously out of his tree on something narcotic. As the day warden accompanied him back to his tent, I went to have a quick break.

The rest of the night passed as peacefully as it had arrived, with nothing of note happening.

Normal Service Resumed

2008-04-12T20:10:00.002+01:00

It seemed like I wasn't going to get back into the normal routine for another few weeks, but as last night proved, I was very wrong. Last night was one of those nights which made me remember all the good things from last year, as last night was officially the night which set into concrete, that I am in charge.

As I was walking around the site, on my preliminary check, I noticed a large group of punters making their way back to their tents. It wasn't the number that drew my attention to them; it was the fact that they were making a lot of noise. I stood behind their tents, far enough away to hear every spoken word, yet close enough to make my presence clear. They did notice me and the drunken "sssh"'s started. I left them to it, as I had the rest of the site to check.

Because they had distracted me from my preliminary check, I was late getting back to reception. When I checked the time, I had to about-turn and go lock up. After I had locked everything, I made my way back to the large group and noticed they were still up and about, and making a lot of noise. I intervened in my usual fashion and asked them to quieten down. They apologised, believe me this is a rare occurrence in itself, and I went over to speak to another large group.

I walked around the site again and had to wake someone up who had fallen asleep with their radio on. I asked them to turn it off, which they did, and I continued on my way. I did notice what I believed to be a male heading into the female toilet block, so I walked over and opened the door and my original sense was confirmed. There was a male in the female toilet block.

"Right you, out."
"Oh, sorry."

As the male was walking out, I pointed to the picture on the door which confirmed that this entrance was for female punters only.

"See that? Female."
"I did notice that."
"You noticed it and still went in?"
"Yyyyyyyyeah..."
"OK"

I left him to it at that point, as I realised any further conversation was, more than likely, going to confuse him further.

I returned to check on the large group to ensure they were quiet and were heading off to their beds. When I got there, I couldn't have been further from the truth. They were heading to their beds, but hadn't quite grasped the concept of complete silence which is required. One tent in particular was more boisterous than the others.

"This is your second warning. If I have to come back here again, you will all be leaving. (pause) Tonight."

I reckon that all the tents in the group heard me, as a deathly silence fell upon that particular area. Sadly though, I didn't return to throw all ten of them off.

Pick and Mix

2008-04-11T18:50:00.003+01:00

I had a bad feeling as I approached the campsite last night, there was something in the air that told me to be wary and that tonight wasn't going to be an easy night. Don't get me wrong, it started off pretty sedately, everything was peaceful and there was not a sound to be heard. Then I left the office.

After a quick walk around the site, almost being run over by a speeding Swede (not a high velocity vegetable, but an actual Swedish national driving a Volvo) and making a mental note of where all the tents were and who I suspected were going to cause problems. Once I was happy, I stood outside the reception to pass the time for five minutes, when I noticed a vehicle slowing down and turning into the driveway. I knew instantaneously that it wasn't a taxi, as they never slow down for that corner and never cruise up the driveway at a relaxed pace. As the vehicle approached, I noticed the light bar on the roof. It was my old friends, from last season, the Police. They turned the car around and stopped by me. Turns out they weren't at the site for any reason, they were just passing the time and stopped to see who the night warden this year was. Once they realised that it was myself, they drove off. Time was moving on, so I returned to the office to pick up the lock for the gate and went back out to start locking up the showers and laundry facilities.

Once everything was secure, I heard a vehicle drive down from the restaurant, turn in the car park at the entrance and then drive back in that direction. By the time it took me to walk the few hundred yards from the second block to the reception, the driver had completed that lap twice. I was, naturally, suspicious of this behaviour, so I went into the caravan field nearest the road to see if I could see the vehicle and hopefully get it's registration number. Just as I approached the fence, the vehicle headed in my direction. I ran to the fence and arrived just in time to see it drive past. It turns out it was the restaurant manager's car. What he was up to, I don't know. Curiosity satisfied, I made my way back towards reception. As I was walking back through the caravan field, I heard a van start up and proceed to drive towards the exit. Knowing full well that the gates were locked, I walked at my usual relaxed pace towards the gates, where I met the van. Which, by this point, had started to reverse away from the gate. The driver stopped when they noticed my fluorescent jacket heading in their direction. Nothing, and I mean that sincerely, could have prepared me for what happened next.

As I approached the van, the driver would down her window and said,

"I'm sorry, *name deleted* didn't tell me the gates were locked at night."
"Well, the rules do state that no vehicles should be moving about on the site after Eleven o'clock."
"Can I get out?"
"Sure."
"I know your face."

I knew, from the moment I saw her, who she was. It's a shame that she didn't recall me. Obviously, I'd divulge all the details. Maybe I'll come back to this post one day.

After I had secured the gates, I went into the nearest tent field as I could hear voices. As I approached the tent, I stopped and listened to the conversation. Trust me, it's vital to do this as you can interject into the conversation at a crucial moment. It's even better when you pause outside the tent when the occupants are getting intimate with each other, waiting a few moments and politely telling them that "...this is a family park, could you quieten down please." Anyway, I digress. The conversation which I overheard was a heated debate between two females about the existence of God. It was getting quite humourous at certain points, where I would have loved to have said in a booming voice "I do exist and there are people trying to sleep, please be quiet." Had it not been after midnight, then I would have done exactly that. But, as always, I gave them the polite first warning and they settled down after that.

Shortly after this, I heard a taxi draw up at the gate, so I went to ensure all was well. The three males who exited the vehicle were drunk and loud. Not my ideal punter at one in the morning. Sadly, they didn't have a tent pitched and were looking for somewhere to pitch up for the night. I pointed them in the direction of which they came and told them that we didn't take anyone after midnight (not technically a lie, but it's my executive decision as to whom I let on site after hours) and if they wanted to stay somewhere, it wouldn't be here. It was at this point one of the males became quite mouthy and aggressive. We stood and debated at the entrance for what seemed like half an hour, before I realised that I wasn't going to get rid of them easily. I let them on the site under strict conditions. Those were that they pitched their tent and called it a night.

Two hours and several visits to their tent later, I delivered them their final ultimatum. If they weren't quiet now, they were welcome to stay in the company of the local constabulary. Naturally, they protested their innocence and told me that they were going home tomorrow, on the first bus (around 7.30am), and really didn't want any trouble. I gave them ten minutes to quieten down and left them to it. When I returned, all was quiet and they were finally asleep.

After that, the night was just like any other night. As the late arrivals hadn't paid me when they came in, I was going to ensure that they paid before they left.

At around seven o'clock, I heard a loud disturbance at reception. I was at one of the several points on the site where the reception building is out of view, so I had to make my way down to the reception as quickly as possible. I realised that it was the recycling truck which had come to remove the cardboard. They usually make a lot of noise and I have had dealings with them last season. However, the amount of noise they made did not awaken our three latecomers, who slept soundly until a member of the day staff went to their tent for payment after eight o'clock.

Here's hoping that tonight is quieter.

Back with a bang!

2008-03-29T11:48:00.000Z

Well folks, it's that time of year again. The time of year when I give my old fluorescent jacket a hose down and pull the sturdy boots from the back of the wardrobe and head back to the campsite. Strangely though, however, I have been quite looking forward to going back to my old stomping ground. I have been working hard over the winter months on various projects, so it's nice to get back out into the fresh air again.

I've been back for a while now and it's been a blogging heaven since I returned. After only three shifts, I was presented (quite literally, in fact) with something which I knew I could blog about.

NB: If you are of a sensitive nature, then it's probably best to stop reading here and read another, less graphic, post on this blog.

I was meandering my way through the site on a cool Winter's eve, when I decided that to pass the time I would do a building check. I checked the first block of toilets and everything was fine. Bearing in mind I was only three days back into the night life of the campsite, nothing could prepare me for what lay in wait in the second building. I walked in and noticed a strange aroma in the air. I walked slowly to the end of the cubicles and pushed each door open and peered cautiously inside. Everything seemed in order until the third door from the end. When I approached, the strange aroma was slightly stronger at this end.

As I slowly opened the cubicle door, the first thing I noticed was the back wall. It was covered with human excrement from the cistern down to the floor. When I stepped back to survey the damage, I noticed that this poor unfortunate soul* had had a rear end accident of almighty proportions. The back wall, cistern, cubicle walls, toilet, toilet seat and the floor was covered in a dark shade of brown.

I decided to lock that door and return later, once I had carried out the rest of the evening's duties. Now, the problem with these cubicle doors is that they can only be locked/unlocked from the inside. To lock the door, one would have to enter the cubicle, lock the door, climb onto the cistern and over one of the eight foot walls on either side. This was not going to be an easy task, as the cistern was covered in faecal matter.

I filled my lungs with as much unpolluted air as possible and held it there, before entering the cubicle. I quickly locked the door and made a grab for the top of the wall. I managed to pull myself up and squeezed myself between the small gap at the top and dropped down into the next cubicle. Job done. For now.

A while later, once everything else had been done, I returned to the cubicle armed with a length of hosepipe and waterproof trousers. I closed the toilets off to the public, partly so I could get the job done more effectively and partly because nobody wanted to be covered in a shower of faeces first thing in the morning. I opened the door and stood well back, aimed the hose and with a powerful spray of water, started to clean the cubicle. When I say, "clean the cubicle," what I meant to say was "spray the hose at the wall/toilet/cistern/floor/surface until reasonable." I did tell the cleaner in the morning and she said she didn't mind and would give that cubicle an extra clean, to ensure all was well.

When that was done, I knew I was entitled to a large, steaming cup of coffee. Which I had and it went down a treat. The only memory I had of the incident, was when I woke up that evening to go to work and the smell of freshly disturbed faeces caught in the back of my throat. Lovely.

Don't worry, future posts won't all be like this. Unless we get a coachload of incontinent campers on the site. And we don't accept coaches, so I think I'll be pretty safe.

The Park is now Closed.

2007-10-26T12:49:00.000+01:00

Well, that's another season over. The park is now closed for the Winter and I'm no longer required. I shall be back next season though. It was a fairly quiet season, according to Alex.

I have found another job, which I'll be blogging about, and you can see all that here:

Faulty Towers

Until next season, farewell my loyal readers!

I'm a Night Warden NOT a Childminder

2007-10-20T20:14:00.000+01:00

Well, last night was exceptional compared the previous few nights. Things happened and lots of them! So much so, that I didn't once think, "Hey, I could blog about this" instead I was thinking more along the lines of, "Why me?"

Alex radioed in fairly early into the shift and told me all I needed to know, including the fact he had been given his assurances by the group I spoke to last night that they wouldn't make any noise whatsoever (they stuck to their word) and the park was slightly busier.

I walked around the site checking on who I thought was going to cause problems. There was a few. As I was walking towards one of the toilet blocks, I noticed a light high up in the tree and a teenage male standing at the bottom. I shone the torch onto the light and saw the outline of a person.

"Right, down from the tree, NOW!"

I then walked over to the large group and asked them to quieten down and also to keep an eye on their children, who were running all over the park.

"How can we quieten down? We're only talking, this is a low as we can talk."

Now, I could hear them from some distance away, so I knew they were lying.

I went back to the task in hand and locked all the buildings up and locked the gate. I heard a vehicle starting up, but presumed it was outwith the park as it was after eleven. As I walked back to the gazebo that was making the noise, I noticed strong lights coming towards one of the entrances to the caravan fields, followed a short while later by a car. The car drove towards me and stopped,

"You've closed the gates, haven't you?"
"Yes. They're closed at eleven."
"Oh, can we get out?"
"Certainly, but you can't get back in again."
"That's fine."

I walked down towards the gates and opened them, the vehicle drove off and the gates were secured once again. While I was at the gates, I noticed two males unloading their car in the car park, so I went to speak to them. They wanted to pitch up for the night, so I happily showed them where to pitch and the general rules of the site. They were happy with this and I bid them 'good night'.

I then went up to one of the tent fields and noticed two young females cycling around between the tents without lights on. So I stopped them and told them to head back to their tent/caravan immediately.

I then went around checking the toilets, and came to one block and all the doors were closed. So, I had to open all the doors and check the toilets for damage, etc. I was about to go into the female toilets, when the same young girl I spoke to for cycling around with no lights on, popped her head out the door and quickly back in again. So I went up to the door, opened it and told them to head to their tent/caravan.

As I exited the toilet block, I heard a banging metallic noise coming from the closed reserved field. I know that it's currently closed, because the day staff are digging up pipes and replacing them. I walked over to the field and found the two tree-climbers playing around near the JCB. Again, I sent them to their tent/caravan. Which, luckily for me, was in the same direction as I was heading, so I knew where they were pitched for my report to Alex in the morning.

I then walked into one of the tent fields and noticed the three young females loitering behind the toilet block, so I went over to speak to them again. They obviously noticed the fluorescent jacket and scarpered. I walked around the front of the building and noticed the same girl poking her head around the side of the building, then quickly disappearing again. I went into the female toilets, via the staff entrance, and told them again to go back to their tent/caravan.

I followed them, at a distance, and found them loitering at the edge of the park on the footpath which most dog-walkers use. I decided that they had been told enough times and left them to it.

I went back to the children's parents and told them to quieten down or the manager would be called out. The party had halved since I last spoke to them, and it appeared it was only the sensible ones left. They apologised and did quieten down.

I heard a car pulling up at the gate, so I went to investigate. It was another two people wanting to book in for the night, so I put them next to the other two late arrivals.

It was at this point I noticed a motorhome parked at the gate, so I went down to speak to them. It was a large group of Germans, who seemed generally quite pleasant, so I pointed them in the direction of the public car park and told them to come back when the park opened in the morning. They thanked me, piled into the motorhome and left.

I walked around the park and back to the gate when I heard a vehicle pull in. As I walked down, I noticed a male urinating against the hedge. So when I spoke to them, I asked if they had booked in to which they replied with a negative. So I asked the urinator not to urinate against the hedge and sent them to join the Germans for the evening.

A short while later, a taxi pulled up and two males got out and immediately started talking loudly. So I asked them to quieten down and followed them, at a distance, to their tent. When I got there, I noticed both males urinating against the hedge. I pointed out the toilets/silence policy/car park (they had parked on the grass) and they went into their tent.

Ten minutes later, I heard loud voices from quite some distance away, so I hot-footed it up to the two males and asked them to quieten down or leave. Because they arrived late, they hadn't yet paid so if they continued to make a noise, Alex wouldn't hesitate to evict them from the site.

A quick lunch break, which was cut short when I heard a vehicle pull in just before four.

I spoke to them and asked them to quieten down, they seemed OK, so I left them to it.

I then went to tidy up the toilet blocks, I managed one and was en route to the second when I heard the three males, who had just arrived back, talking loudly. I went over and spoke to them;

"Right, it's half four in the morning, I suggest you go to bed now."
"OK, we will."

Then one of them said something (I can't recall offhand what it was, but it was facetious) so I replied with;

"Do you want to pack up and leave now?"
"No, no, he's just joking."
"Well, I'm not."

I waited around outside the tent for about five minutes before leaving them to it.

I then went to the third toilet block to tidy up. All was well until I entered the showers. I was sweeping the female showers and they were fairly clean, until I opened one door and made a shocking discovery. Someone couldn't hold it in and decided to defecate on the shower floor. In the female showers.

I went to get the hose, which is kept for this type of job, to wash it down the drains. Now, for those of you who don't know, once fecal matter has been disturbed by an external force, the smell comes out. And what a smell that was. Even now, as I type this blog, the smell is caught in the back of my throat. I cleaned it to the best of my abilities, with the resources available, and locked the shower cubicle.

I opened everything back up again and went for a long coffee break.

Hopefully tonight won't hold any surprises for me.

Children vs. Parents

2007-10-19T19:57:00.000+01:00

First of all, a bit of good news. The occupants of the late arriving motorhome last night decided not to check into the site today, so all fears of being brutally murdered or "flattened" were put to rest early on in the shift.

The park is slightly busier than last night, but then again it's the weekend and it generally gets busier then. I spoke to one group at five past eleven and told them of the silence policy, they apologised and quietened down fairly quickly.

I returned to the tent, some twenty minutes later and asked them again to quieten down. It was at this point I noticed their tent was put up in a very hap-hazard way. It looked as though, if you pulled one of the guy-ropes out of the ground, the whole tent would come crashing down. I daren't get too close, just in case the wind picks up and I am blamed for destroying their tent.

I walked around the park and spoke to a few other tents about the level of noise, they all quietened down fairly quickly, so I went back to check on the one group who were causing problems.

As I approached the tent, I heard one of the children trying to reason with their parents in getting them to quieten down;

"What if they do chuck us out? Where will we stay?"
"SSH! They can't chuck us off, we've paid to stay here."

Incorrect answer, ma'am. Although it hasn't happened when I have been on duty, Alex has been known to kick disruptive guests off the park at three in the morning before. Regardless of whether you have paid or not, there are other people around you who have also paid and are trying to sleep.

It was at this point I interjected in their conversation and told them to quieten down immediately otherwise the manager would be called and they may be asked to pack up and leave the park. I had to smile when I heard the same child whisper the following;

"See? I told you so."

After that, I didn't speak to them again. Yet I still had to submit a report because I had spoken to them on three occasions.

The rest of the night passed by fairly quickly with nothing else to report. The season is slowly grinding to a halt.

Flattened

2007-10-18T19:34:00.000+01:00

No, I haven't died or given up on this blog, it's just been rather quiet lately on the site so there has been a serious lack of posts.

It was a fairly quiet Wednesday night on the site, with nothing untoward happening. At around four in the morning, I noticed a large white object parked at the gate, so I decided to go and investigate.

I made my way down to the gate, there was a motorhome parked up in the car park. I checked the gate when I came out of the office after my break, so I knew that the occupants had only arrived within the last half hour or so, so the chances of them being asleep were slim.

When I approached the motorhome, all the curtains were closed and it appeared that they were asleep. I walked around the vehicle to get an accurate description as possible for the report. I checked all the windows and the dashboard for a site ticket (they could have already booked in, but went out for the day and came back late. That's the problem with motorhomes), but I couldn't find one. So I had to knock on the door. The voice from within came quickly, so I knew the occupants were still awake.

"Hello?"
"Night Warden, could you open the door please."

A long wait later the door swung open, almost taking me out in the process, and a large male stood there, glaring down at me.

"Are you a resident here?"
"No, we're booking in tomorrow, but we're spending the night here until reception opens."
"I'm sorry, Sir, this is a private car park, you're going to have to go to the public car park about half a mile down the road."

Now the male wasn't very impressed with my tone of voice/colour of jacket/eyebrows or something, because he then said something which threw me completely.

"Hang on, you're the one who came banging on my door at four in the morning and told us to move. Speak to me like that again and I'll come out there and flatten you."

Well, if he wants to resort to violence, that's fair enough. At least he'll have somewhere to stay for the night. I told him that I wasn't going to argue with him and walked off. As I made my way back to the gate, I could hear him talking to someone inside the motorhome about how annoyed he was.

To stop him booking in, all I needed was his vehicle registration number, but I couldn't get it. The reason? He was hanging around outside the vehicle intentionally so I couldn't get those details. It's just as well I have a good memory and managed to remember quite a number of specific details relating to the vehicle. All of which were put into the report for Alex in the morning.

A short while later, the motorhome drove out of the car park and down the road. Only time will tell if he tries to book in in the morning.

Perseverance Pays Off

2007-10-16T11:54:00.000+01:00

After several days of making cups of coffee in the world's oldest microwave and an unhygienic pot, the powers that be have seen it fit to purchase a new kettle. Well, when I say "purchase", it does look remarkably similar to the old one, albeit slightly cleaner. I had actually missed using a kettle in the office over the course of the past few days, so I was slightly wary of it when I switched it on first. When it boiled, I must confess, I did let out a small cry of delight that normal service was resumed.

It's just as well the kettle had been replaced, as the site was very quiet last night and only one taxi came back. At twenty past eleven. Unfortunately for me, however, they were very quiet and went straight to bed. Which left me wandering, aimlessly, around the site for a few hours. I was sorely tempted to sit in the office and boil the kettle repeatedly just for the want of something to do. Besides, there are only a limited amount of times you can read the newspaper. Even at that, I think I overdid it slightly after the fortieth time.

By around one o'clock, I was starting to get bored. I'd walked around the site several times, read the newspaper countless times, read a well known catalogue-shop's catalogue from cover to cover, as well as reading everything in the office. You'll never appreciate how quiet some nights can be until you find yourself reading the user manual for a petrol chainsaw at four in the morning. Although I did notice something written on the cover of a manual for a petrol strimmer. Someone, at some point, had written the date of purchase on the cover (25th June 1996) and written in the bottom right hand corner of the booklet, "Stolen: 19th Sept. 1996"

One other point I read. In the "staff handbook" circa. mid 90's it states: "The 'office' is used by both genders (if you are unsure what this means, ask the warden)" Did they really employ someone who was so dense they had to write that into the staff handbook? I guess I'll never know.

Aggressive Behaviour

2007-10-14T19:30:00.000+01:00

As I pulled into work last night, I noticed the familiar outline of Alex's car sitting outside reception. I thought it was rather strange that he was still there at that time of night, unless something serious had happened.

It turns out that all was well on the site and he had merely come down to speak to me about the reports I had left in the office for him that morning. The group concerned, weren't happy that I was asking them to quieten down, so Alex explained the silence policy to them but they already knew about it. It turns out that they are friends of the owner and weren't happy that they were spoken to in such an aggressive manner the previous evening.

I explained to Alex that I only become aggressive when needs must. Usually after the fourth or fifth time telling someone to shut up and go to bed. I doubt anything will come of it, as they were due to leave today anyway.

There is still no kettle in the office, which has seen me making cups of coffee using the microwave. At least it's slightly cleaner than the pots. Incidentally, someone has cleaned the frying pan. It's a vast improvement, but they neglected to clean the two ring stove which is used. It is still caked with grease.

It was very quiet last night, and long may it continue, as the end of the season is very soon. Which leaves me with one issue. Do I continue the blog until next season rolls around or do I close the doors on it until then? I mean, I have another job lined up which could be fruitful in the way of blog postings. This is where the readers of this blog come into play, let me know what you think I should do in the comments section.

Back to Basics

2007-10-13T08:15:00.000+01:00

Things have taken a turn for the worse on the site. If it wasn't for those meddling day staff, then I wouldn't find myself boiling a pan of water for my coffee. The day staff, somehow, managed to kill the kettle and every time it's switched on, it trips all the sockets in the office. It's not the fact that I have had to go back to basics and make my coffee with a pan of water, boiled on the tiny two ring hob for the past two nights.

It's the fact that the pan is filthy and cannot be cleaned (believe me, I have tried) and it's the cleanest (and less encrusted with years of caked in food) out of the three pans available. It's the fact that the two ring hob is tarnished with layers of grime, fat and used cooking oil and that every time you switch it on, the room fills with smoke (pretty much like it was in pubs before the smoking ban came into force). I'm not even going to mention the frying pan, which is used daily by a member of the day shift for his fry-ups.

So, for the past two nights I've not drank as much coffee as I usually do, which has resulted in me being slightly tired and more grouchy to the punters than normal.

Last night was the perfect example of this behaviour.

After I had locked all the buildings and had a quick walk around the park, I made my way back to reception to ensure that all late-comers were aware of the silence policy. I heard a lot of noise, from what I thought was one of the caravan fields, so I went to take a look. The only sign of a disturbance was on the main road, by a large group of people. Well, that's what it sounded like. I made my way back to reception and waited. As soon as I noticed the torches, I did my best to will them past the park and down the road. Karma wasn't with me tonight, as the torches turned sharply and started making their way up the drive. I could hear them quite clearly from some distance away, so I made my way down to tell them to quieten down. As soon as they spotted the fluorescent jacket, they started to do what every drunk person does. They started to make the "ssh" noise. Now, when one or two people do it, that's acceptable and fairly quiet. When half a dozen people, as in this case, it sounds like a gigantic wave coming towards a beach full of shingle and crashing loudly onto it. I thought I was drowning, but I quickly put that down to a lack of coffee and went to speak to them. They assured me that they would be quiet, but I knew that they wouldn't.

I followed them, at a distance, and found where they were pitched. I asked them, again, to quieten down and head to their beds as people were asleep and they were disturbing them. I was told by one of the males that they were going to have a cup of tea and then go to bed. Fair enough, I thought, so I left them to it.

Approximately half an hour later I went back to check on them. They were still very loud, although they were inside the tent, so I asked them to quieten down. One of the females took an instant dislike to being asked to be quiet and demonstrated this by blaspheming loudly.

By this point, I was on the verge of calling Alex and asking him to have a word, but I was distracted by another tent who had decided to talk loudly. I went over to them to speak to them, they apologised and quietened down. I then returned to the boisterous tent.

I stood next to the tent, like a crouching cat ready to pounce upon it's prey, when all of a sudden one of the female occupants decided to let her friends, and all those within earshot, her new ringtone. Well, several ringtones to be precise. I walked over to the tent and announced in a firm tone that they had two minutes to be completely silent otherwise the manager would be called and they would be evicted from the site, followed by, "Is that understood?" A simple yes or no answer is all that is required here, but I was greeted with a deathly silence.

I then stood back from the tent to await the outcome. And what an outcome it was.

"I can't believe that guy just said that."
"I know. If that security guard says anything else, I'm going out there to give him a piece of my mind."
"What's the deal with the quietness anyway? God."

Normally, at this point, I like to jump in with a scintillating remark. I decided not to on this occasion.

When I returned half an hour later, the group had decided to call it a night and were asleep. Which gave me the perfect opportunity to note down the details for the report. Unfortunately, they are staying until Sunday, which means I may have to put up with them again tonight, depending on Alex's thoughts once he has read the report.

I'd like to apologise for the appalling grammatical errors in this post, I've not been to bed yet.

I'm a racist (allegedly)

2007-10-08T07:40:00.000+01:00

Last night was a bit of a strange one, if I'll be honest.

After I had locked everything down for the night, I went to ask a small group of males to quieten down. They apologised and explained that they weren't aware of the silence policy, so I enlightened them. A while later, I returned to the same group and asked them to quieten down again. They apologised and I left them to it.

At around one o'clock, I had to ask the same group (although half of them had gone to bed and there were only two males left) to quieten down. I explained the silence policy to them for a second time and explained that it was in the copy of the site rules they were given when they checked in. They informed me that they hadn't been given a copy (a lie, because everyone is given a copy and we never run out of them for that reason.) I also explained that the silence policy was explained on their ticket and also on noticeboards which are attached to the walls of all buildings on the site.

One of the males didn't believe me, so I took great pleasure in accompanying him to his tent and pointing out the silence policy, which is written in bold black lettering on the ticket, at this point he called me a racist and asked to see the manager. I asked him how he came to the conclusion that I was a racist (which I'm not) and he explained it to me;

"I think you're being racist towards us."
"Why do you think that, Sir?"
"Well there are other people making a noise on the site and you are deliberately hassling us because you're racist towards us."
"I can assure you, Sir, that no one else is making a noise on the site and the only reason why I am asking you to quieten down is because you are the only people making any noise."
"Well, I want you to bring the manager round. You are being racist towards us and I want to make a complaint."
"Sir, with all due respect, the manager has worked a fourteen hour shift. If you have any complaints, then you can speak to him at reception in the morning."
"I want to speak to the manager now. You're being racist."
"I'm not going to argue with you, Sir."

I had to speak to them twice after this incident, and I was on the verge of calling Alex out, but decided against it. If they are serious about making a complaint, then they will do so in the morning. Preferably when they have sobered up a bit.

When I mentioned this incident to Alex during the morning handover, he laughed and said that if they did make a complaint, he'd tell them where to go. I doubt they would complain. The amount of times I've heard someone say that they are going to complain to the manager in the morning is too numerous to mention. But 9/10 times, they have forgotten about the incident by the morning.

The Bloodbath(room)

2007-10-07T16:34:00.000+01:00

No matter how many punters come through the gates during the week, Saturday is always going to be the busiest night. Last night was no exception.

I was doing my usual routine of locking down the buildings and the main gate, when I was approached by two of the Dutch bikers. Since I told them about the silence policy the other night, they have been the quietest bike group I've had on the park for a long time. They had come to tell me that there was blood all over the male toilets near their tents. According to them it was all over the floor, the sinks and the toilet bowls. The way they described it made me think that a murder had taken place in there. I finished the job I was doing, before heading up there.

I was met by the two Dutchmen outside the toilet, before heading inside. It was apparent that the blood had been there for quite some time, perhaps early Saturday morning, as people had gone in to use the facilities and ground the blood into the tiles. Did anyone think to report it before then? No. They waited all day until the night warden came on duty before doing anything about it.

The abattoir-esque conditions which had been described to me were nothing in comparison to the reality of the situation. Still, I had a job to do. I donned a pair of rubber gloves and set about place with some disinfectant. (I left one spot of blood though, to prove that the day staff don't bother cleaning the toilets. If it's still there tonight, I'll know for sure.) After about ten minutes, there wasn't a trace of blood in the bathroom. Back to the office and I scrubbed my hands vigorously with swarfega before heading back out into the wilds of the park.

I was walking through the field nearest the entrance, when I heard a vehicle drive in. I about-turned and made my way to the gate. Just as approached them, I noticed a male attempting to urinate against the gatepost. I pointed out the toilets to him and followed him to ensure that he didn't make the same mistake twice. He didn't. He also walked past three of the four toilet blocks and went to his tent. My guess is that he urinated against the trees behind the tent.

I was about to walk back to the gate when I heard a group of males laughing and talking loudly. As I approached them, they quietened down slightly.

"You are aware that there is a silence policy from eleven o'clock?"
"Hot potatoes, carrots, peas and beef."
"There is a silence policy from eleven o'clock. If I have to come back here again, you will be asked to leave."
"OK, Sir."

That has to be the single most bizarre answer I have been given when asking someone to quieten down. Luckily though, I didn't have to go back to the tent again. But I did report them for the large amount of rubbish, empty cans and bottles, etc. which were lying around outside their tent.

The next two males back from the town were part of the group which included the first urinator. I noticed one of the two males urinating against the hedge and I was on my way to tell him to stop, when I was hijacked by a Leo Sayer-lookalike. He told me his name (which wasn't Leo Sayer, although the resemblance was uncanny) and where his tent was. His friend then caught up with him and I made them both aware of the silence policy and the fact that there are toilets open 24/7, so there really is no need to urinate along the hedgerow.

Then Leo Sayer asked for my name. I asked him for what purposes he needed it and he informed me that he wanted to "write it down later" for an official complaint. I'm not quite sure what the official complaint was, as all I asked them to do was to conform to the park protocol.

They walked off, and I followed them to see where they went. As soon as I realised that they were part of the first urinator's group, I left them to it.

A short while later, another taxi appeared and dropped off another drunken soul onto my peaceful park. This one was on his mobile phone. As he walked past, I realised where he was heading. I knew, because he had decided to phone Leo Sayer and company to let them know he was back. He remained on the phone all the way through the park until he was standing less than ten feet away from Leo Sayer. What would we do without mobile phones?

I gave them their five minutes to quieten down before going to tell them to shut up or leave. It got to around two minutes before the noise levels were breached. I told them to quieten down immediately or they would be leaving. They apologised and did as instructed.

I waited around, near the tent, to ensure the noise levels didn't become too loud. I heard the unzipping of the tent, so I walked round so I could see the entrance of the tent. Nobody emerged from the tent, so I stood there to ensure that no one decided to come out and urinate in the trees. The group descended into complete quietness for about a minute before karma struck.

I heard the sound of liquid hitting the plastic groundsheet and thought that someone had spilled their drink. The sound continued before someone uttered the words;

"Aw man, go piss outside the tent!"

Yes, karma had indeed struck again!

New Links Added

2007-10-07T15:42:00.000+01:00

Since the last post about the Dutch Bikers, I've had a few comments and a few new additions to the blog list. So here they are, in no particular order of merit:

Life On A Roll Of Film - A blog about a supermarket photo counter assistant. Highly entertaining.
Pizza Hut Team Member - Ever wondered what goes on behind the scenes at Pizza Hut? Well this blog will tell you all you need to know. Well written and enjoyable.

I think that's all. If you feel like adding this blog to your blog roll, then leave me a comment and I'll add you to mine.

Biker Groups

2007-10-05T19:43:00.000+01:00

Generally, and it's on the site rules so I know that it's a fact, we don't allow groups of motorcyclists on the park. I don't know how this group managed to sneak on, but they are there.
The previous evening they arrived back at around eleven o'clock and were fairly noisy. I spoke to them and asked them to quieten down and go to their tents. They did and I had no further dealings with them after that.

Last night, however, was a different story all together.

As I made my way around the park, I noticed a few empty cans of lager on a picnic table outside the bikers tents. I thought that they were leaving in the morning and had decided to call it an early night. Oh, how wrong was I.

Just after midnight, a large taxi pulled up and a group spilled out into the car park. I stood at reception to watch what was going on. They were being very disruptive and I was about to go and ask them to quieten down, when another taxi pulled up and offloaded another group. The noise increased ten-fold. That was enough to warrant the first interaction with the night warden. As I made my way down to the gate, they were walking up. I spoke to the first male, I had spoken to him the previous evening, and asked him to instruct the group in their native tongue to quieten down immediately. He apologised and turned to the group and said something in Dutch (remember that key point, as it comes in useful later in the story). The group carried on walking and another male, who I suspected of smoking something narcotic the previous evening, said, "Evening." I responded to this by repeating the pleasantries and he stopped. He stood on the spot, swaying slightly from side to side, rolling his arms. I said "Evening" again and he smiled and carried on walking.

I decided to follow them up to their tents to ensure that they were going to be quiet. One of the group, dressed in a 'comical' hat and clogs (yes, I kid you not) was urinating against the trees. I spoke to him and pointed out the toilets to him. He finished what he was doing, picked up his pint glass of lager and walked off. How he managed to take a pint glass, with alcohol in it, from town into a taxi and all the way to the campsite is beyond me.

I followed them again.

As I came round the front of the toilets, I noticed a male come out of the female toilets and return to his tent. He was part of the bike group. I stood at the entrance to the toilets to let them know, visually, that I was there. They were quiet going into the toilets and coming back out once word had got round that they were being monitored. All except one. The clog-wearing, urinator himself. Wooden clogs and concrete are not a match made in heaven, especially not at 12.30 in the morning.

After they had finished using the facilities, I realised that they were becoming quite noisy, so I walked over to ask them to quieten down. I told them that this was their final warning and if I had to return the manager would be called. After a brief conversation with them, which included one member of the party asking me "to speak the Queen's English, not broken English with a Polish accent." (incidentally, I'm not Polish and have subsequently never been to Poland.) They realised I was serious and as I walked away, one of the Dutch crowd said, "Looks like the party is over then."

Indeed it is.

If it's not one thing, it's another...

2007-10-04T08:08:00.000+01:00

Normally, at work, I'm constantly subjected to an ear-bashing throughout the night by the owls who find that the trees around the site are the most comfortable in a 20-mile radius. Recently, along with the owls, I've heard some other strange noises at night. At first I thought it was a punter, but I soon quashed that thought when I walked around the entire site and realised the noise was coming from outwith the park.

Any noise coming from outside the park is beyond my control. I did check the other buildings nearby, just in case I was missing something.

Once I had established that the noises were not coming from within the park, and a vague direction of where they were coming from, I set off to see if I could pinpoint the source. On the first night, I couldn't because the noise stopped as soon as I left the site.

Last night, the noise seemed to be closer than ever, so I could try and decipher it when it was more clearer than previous occasions. I thought it was someone having some sort of attack or medical emergency in one of the caravan/motorhome fields. After a brief check, I soon realised that no one was around and trying to get my attention to call for emergency assistance.

Again, I was completely baffled by the noise (which did sound like someone shouting, "help" at one stage) and where it was coming from. I decided to take a walk outwith the park and along the road a little. I quickly established that the noise was coming from the other side of the river, and it did sound more human than animal.

A quick run back to the office to grab the most powerful torch and a quick run back to where I heard the noise (who says I don't do any work?). I waited for the noise again, which by this point was becoming more frequent than on previous occasions, and when I managed to gauge roughly where the noise was coming from, I shone the torch across the river to see what it was.

I shone the torch directly across the river and couldn't see anything. I slowly scanned the riverside with the powerful light emitting from the torch, I noticed something move. I directed the beacon of light towards the tall, dead, oak tree. There was an eerie silence, which was briefly interrupted by a punter moving in their squeaky caravan bed, then it happened again. I edged closer to the river and kept the torch on the same spot, hoping to catch a glimpse of this beast. Was I on the verge of a scientific breakthrough? Had I discovered the UK's equivalent of a yeti? Suddenly, the torchlight bounced off something glassy and reflective. I narrowed my eyes and shielded them from the glare. Then the night air was broken from it's calmness by the noise again. I edged as close as I could to the riverside, breaking the silence momentarily when I stepped on a stray branch which snapped under my boot. I peered again. It edged it's way out slowly from behind the tall, dead oak tree. It's black eyes stared across the river at me, it was trying to intimidate me. I knew that I was safe, by the time it had crossed the fast-flowing river I would be back on the site and on the phone to the relevant authorities. Slowly, and carefully, it edged it's way out further. It gave a much quieter drone, almost questionable in sound, as it stared at me. I realised then what had been responsible for the deathly noises over the past few nights. It was a cow.

Yes, it really has been that quiet lately.

The Owl and the Pussycat

2007-09-30T20:14:00.000+01:00

Well, it has to be said that last night was one of the most interesting nights I have had for a long time. Probably since I started this position months ago.

Both groups which I blogged about yesterday (this post) have been removed from the park. I breathed a heavy sigh of relief when Alex told me the good news and an even bigger sigh when I saw two blank spaces of grass where they were pitched the previous evening.

Anyway, back to last night. It started off as any other night does, nice and quiet. I walked around the site and satisfied myself that I would have a trouble-free evening. Or so I thought.

It was all going so well, until a vehicle decided to drive from the amenities block to the car park. A distance of less than 400 yards. Why they couldn't walk there, I am unsure, but that was to become apparent later in the night. As it was just after eleven, I didn't bother to speak to them (even though, on hindsight, I wished that I had).

A few taxis came back from the town and made their way quietly to their respective caravans and tents.

It quietened down for a short while, until I heard a vehicle pull in and park up. As soon as they got out of the car, they became very noisy. So I made my way down to the gate to have a word in their ears. As soon as they saw me standing there, they quietened down, bid me a good night and walked off. They walked off quietly, but soon the noise started again. I followed them, at a distance, to see where they were going and to ask them to stop antagonising the owls by making spectacularly rubbish owl noises.

Once they had found their tents, they continued to be loud so I asked them again to quieten down. They apologised and I stood behind their tents to keep an eye on them. They couldn't see me, but I could see, and hear, them. It was then I noticed a torchlight at reception. It was only when the torchbearer turned the corner, that I could see how powerful the torch was. It was very powerful indeed, and not the average type of torch a punter would have. I decided to leave the males to it and made my way to reception.

As I turned the corner, I noticed a fluorescent jacket and two people standing there. It was the Police. I walked over to them, and realised it was our regular PC and one I hadn't seen before. They were looking for the owners of a vehicle which had just came back from town and was currently parked at the gate. I asked them for the registration number and the details of the car to see if it would jog my memory. As soon as he told me the make and model of the vehicle, I knew exactly who it was. The Owl Impressionists.

I showed the boys in blue where the tents were and one of the males was outside. It just so happened to be the driver of the vehicle in question. As the Police were questioning the male, the following conversation took place;

"Where's the skins?"
"Shut up, man, the Police are here."
"I know, but where's the skins? I need a joint, man!"
"Shut up, the Police are out here."
"Where's the dope?"

I was trying my best not to laugh, and the Police Officer spotted this and we both shared a 'How stupid can you be?' moment.

The male was taken down to the Police car to be breathalysed, and I spoke to the tent once more before I followed them down. When I got there, I had a long conversation with one of the constables, the regular one, before he went back to the car.

About half an hour later, a taxi pulled up and a large group spilled out into the car park. One of the drunken females noticed the Police car (let's be honest, it's not that difficult) and walked up to the driver's window to attempt a conversation with the officer of the law. It went like this;

"Hello there Mister Policeman!"
"Hello"
"Are you here to arrest me? I've been a naughty girl!"
"No, I'm not."
"Aw, but what if I said. . ."
(Police car window closes)
"He's a NASTY Mister Policeman!"

As they walked in, I asked them to quieten down and I didn't want to hear another word out of them. I think I was approximately halfway through saying, "Quieten down" when the female replied,

"Hello there Mister Man!"

At that point the regular Police officer got out the car and informed me of the outcome and thanked me for my help. After they drove off, I decided to follow the drunken group which had recently returned. Luckily, they were going to a caravan. They were still being noisy, so I walked into the caravan park and up to their 'van. I heard voices from round the back and I knew from the topic they were discussing, they were urinating. I shone the torch round the back and told them they had five seconds (which is long enough, even if you are drunk) to make themselves decent before I came round. I duly waited the five seconds, I actually think I gave them longer, and walked round. Nothing could have prepared me for the sight which was thrust upon my eyes. Let's just say, the two males had made themselves decent, but the two females hadn't. I got an "eye-full" as some may say, of the two females. I averted my eyes, and waited a few seconds before putting the torch back on them. At least they had covered up slightly, and were in the process of pulling up their jeans when I spoke to one of the males. I informed him of where the toilets were and if I had to return, they would be spending the night in Police custody.

It quietened down a lot after that, so after a quick walk around the site, I went for my break. About halfway through my well deserved break, I heard a vehicle moving around. I walked out of the office and noticed a car driving towards me. The same vehicle as earlier. I spoke to the occupants and they explained their predicament. It sounded rather suspicious to me, so I asked them to park up and sleep it off until the gates opened at six. They had come camping with a tent, but no sleeping bags or blankets. Sound suspicious to you? I thought so.

After that, the park was quiet until I knocked off shift.

Drunken Nights

2007-09-29T18:31:00.000+01:00

I have no idea how it happened, but it did, and I wasn't best pleased about the situation. Allow me to explain.

Normally, before I start my shift I sit in the office with a coffee and watch the news. From the moment I set foot in the office, the door is closed and I for that brief half hour I don't care what is happening on the site. It's my moment of tranquility before it all descends into chaos when I start my shift. As soon as I set foot outside the door, I knew it was going to be one of those nights. Whether it was something in the air or not, I've no idea, but my spidey-sense was tingling, let me tell you!

I walked around the first field, which was relatively quiet, then into the second field of tents. It was just as I walked in that I noticed not one, but THREE vehicles parked on the grass next to four tents and large group of drunk, happy punters. So I hot-footed it over to the tents and made my presence known to them. I asked them to remove the vehicles from the grass and asked them to quieten down as people were attempting to sleep. They put up a bit of a fight, but they knew I was right. As I walked away from the group, I heard one of them utter the following statement;

"That guy has an attitude problem. Who does he think he is? A warden?"

I was about to return to them to clarify my position, but decided against it.

As I crossed over into the third field, I was immediately greeted with a lot of shouting and screaming by a group of Geordie's. Again I asked them to quieten down, then explained the silence policy to them. I knew they weren't listening, as they continued to talk when I was telling them. A lost cause, I thought, so I gave up and continued on my rounds.

The rest of the park was very quiet in comparison to the two cases I mentioned.

After I had locked down the two buildings and locked the gates for the night. I decided to pay another visit to the first group. I could hear them talking from the gate, which is a fair distance away, so I knew they were still up and about. I walked over to the field and noticed that the vehicles were still parked on the grass. Again, I asked them to remove the vehicles and park them in the parking bay opposite their tent, which they did. Only because I stood there and made sure of it.

A quick jump into the next field where I asked the Geordie's to quieten down, again, before going off round the park. I soon realised that the second group weren't going to quieten down, so I decided at that moment to call Alex out. Luckily, he was at the gate anyway, he couldn't sleep and decided to come down and walk around with me for a while.

After around ten minutes, he had spoken to both parties and another group who decided to give Alex the V-sign as he was walking over to tell them to quieten down, this only annoyed Alex even further. They quietened down eventually.

After Alex had left the park and returned home to sleep off his anger, I observed one of the first crowd's party urinating against the hedge. I found out that this is one of my all time pet hates with this job. I walked over, pointing the torch at him, and had a word with him. I pointed out the toilets to him and his reply was, "yeah, whatever." and he returned to his tent. I wasn't going to report them, but he had single-handedly convinced me to do so.

After about two o'clock, the site quietened right down and the only person who was making any noise was the person who had the most irritating cough ever. It was so annoying, that I managed to convince myself to think he was doing on purpose.

At the end of the shift, I went back up to the crowd who were urinating/parking on the grass/causing a disruption, to obtain their ticket numbers for the report, when I noticed that they were awake and three of them were urinating against the hedge. This was at around seven o'clock, when other punters were starting to rise.

I submitted a report without the ticket numbers, as I had guessed that Alex would know who I was talking about anyway.

Chilly Chilly, Bang Bang.

2007-09-28T19:58:00.000+01:00

Don't worry, I haven't frozen and drifted downstream during the recent cold spell. I've been out there, through thick (layers of clothing) and thin (layers of ice on the car windscreens) working hard to create a blog posting for you all.

Let's start with Wednesday night.

After I had locked down all the buildings and closed the gates, for the second time due to a punter arriving back at one minute past eleven, I had a quick walk around the park to ensure that all was quiet. In one of the toilet blocks, there was three German males. When I went to the block, I noticed that the doors were closed, so I opened them and went to check on the female toilets. I returned to the gents toilets, to find the doors had been closed. Again, I opened them and went inside to question the three males.

"Can you explain to me why you have just closed these doors, despite the fact that you just watched me open them?"
"Because it's cold."
"Then my suggestion is that you go to your tent, climb into your sleeping bags and go to sleep."
"Oh... sorry."

I walked back to reception and just as I came around the corner, a vehicle pulled into the drive. I waited for the driver to realise that the gates were in fact closed and that he (or she) would have to reverse into the parking bays provided. The vehicle didn't move. So I went to investigate. As I approached the gate, I realised that it was two of the local constabulary's finest. Apparently, someone had gone climbing and not called their sister to say that all went well and they were safely off the mountain and back on the campsite. The sister became worried and called the Police. They knew a rough description of the person's vehicle as well as a partial index mark. That was good enough for me, so I opened the gates and let them drive in. They checked the larger of the fields and I checked the other two. I found the vehicle and tent in question, so I walked back to let them know. They drove round and spoke to the occupant of the tent. When they were finished, the male Police officer and I had a chat. He has been out a few times when I have been on shift, so he knew me from then (and more specifically, from this incident). I think he was more than happy to stand there and talk to me all night, but his colleague wasn't, she demonstrated this by uttering the following statement,

"You two can stand there and talk all night, but I'm bloody cold."

before jumping back into the car. The male Police officer thanked me for letting them in after hours before driving off.

I noticed a couple of rubber-neckers during this incident, namely the German door-shutters. They quickly vanished when they saw the Police getting back into the car and driving in their direction though. Makes you wonder, doesn't it?

Remember the male from this post? Well, I was speaking to Alex during the handover and he informed me that the male had abandoned his "tent" and left. The lads noticed this when they were doing their morning checks, so they put a ticket on it asking the occupant to contact reception immediately on their return. Just before they went off shift, nobody had been in, although the tickets had been removed from the tent. I've been asked to keep an eye on the tent, should I see anyone moving around near it to let Alex know. Otherwise, the "tent" will be dismantled and put with all the other tents that have been abandoned over the season, then binned or given to one of the local charity shops. I've got my name on a brand new tent which was abandoned a while back. This job does have it's perks.

In one of the other fields a punter had decided that it would be a good idea to tie a plastic tarpaulin to some trees to provide a bit of shelter. The only thing it provided was a rustling, efficacious way of keeping people awake. I untied it and placed it next to the tent. I didn't want several complaints about the amount of noise it was making (and it was making a lot of noise).

As for Thursday night, it was relatively quite in comparison to that. The only thing that irritated me was the sound of a heater emitting from a mobile home. It made me think how they were all nice and warm in their home from home and I was left to wander around the site in the freezing cold.

Ah well, no rest for the wicked, back on shift in a couple of hours.

Long Nights

2007-09-25T08:10:00.001+01:00

The nights are certainly getting longer. Well, maybe it seems that way at the moment as the punters I've had for the past few nights have had that special ability to do what regular punters cannot achieve. This crowd can read the park rules and abide by them. It's amazing, I know and I was a little shocked to only have to tell one tent to quieten down last night.

As the nights are getting quieter now, I've had the chance to catch up on some light reading. Last night I finished 'Blood, Sweat and Tea' a book which is a compilation of blog postings from this blog. It is an interesting read, if you like that sort of thing.

On another, unrelated, note. There is one punter which is causing Alex a great deal of confusion and worry. I have spoken to him on one occasion (but I didn't realise it was this male that Alex was talking about at the time) and he seemed reasonable enough, even though he was ill-informed about the subject he was discussing with me at the time.

He arrived a few days ago and booked in. After booking in, he asked the receptionist on duty if someone could set up his tent for him. She spoke to Alex and he, in turn, spoke to the male. He was wheezing badly, as though he was at death's door, and saying that he had recently had major surgery. Now, call me cynical, but if you're recovering from major surgery, you don't disappear off and go camping. Do you?

Alex summoned one of the day wardens to help the male set up his tent. It was only when the day warden reported back that Alex's suspicions became increasingly alarmed. The male had asked the night warden to set up his tent for him. The tent was brand new and still in the packaging. It was a child's play-tent.

Now this male is over six foot tall and quite thickset, so how he manages to squeeze such a large frame into such a small tent is beyond the realms of possibility. But he manages it every night.

Last night, Alex's suspicions were aroused again by this gentleman, when he came into the shop and asked to purchase eight cans of cider. I'll refer you back to the first paragraph where I mentioned he had recently had major surgery. If this was indeed the case, I'm pretty certain he would be on some form of antibiotics and would not be drinking 8 cans of cider. The shop assistant alerted Alex and he told her to only sell him four cans. The four cans were duly sold to the male, along with a groundsheet (one of the more expensive ones available in the shop) and a few other items.

He mentioned this to me and asked if I could keep an eye on him to ensure that he wasn't going to be a problem. I was also given strict instructions to call Alex immediately if I had to speak to the male in question. Thankfully, he slept like a baby and didn't wake up the entire night.

He's here for a few more nights, so I am relying on him to provide me with something to blog about if the rest of the site is quiet (which it undoubtedly will be).

That's all for this post. I'm off to bed now. Even though the nights are quiet, they take longer to pass and ultimately leave you feeling drained at the end of each shift.

Until the next time, keep the noise down please. . .

Lazy Days

2007-09-23T15:11:00.000+01:00

Well, that's pretty much the end of the season and last night was Archie's last shift of the year. It was an uneventful night. Despite the high winds, there were no casualties. There was one tent which I thought was on the verge of collapsing due to the winds and the fact that it did not have any guy-ropes tethering it to the ground. The tent withstood gusts of up to 40mph (approximately) at times and was still standing at the time.

One tent wasn't set up correctly, so every time the wind blew, the walls of the tent blew in. The occupants were out several times attempting to fix their tent. Needless to say they packed up early in the morning and left just after the gates were open.

The final tent, well that didn't fair too well against the elements. The entrance collapsed, exposing the gas bottle and other items (which will probably never work again) to the world. In the morning, I checked their ticket as the tent had a number of tickets attached to it. One was for the 22nd and the other was the 23rd. I'm sure they were wishing they hadn't bothered re-booking for another night.

A short post tonight, I'll be having a fairly long discussion with Alex tonight to find out what will be happening now that we're one warden short.

Pitch Repairs

2007-09-21T19:22:00.000+01:00

My sincere apologies for not posting a blog update before now. I'm sure there are thousands of you hanging on my every word and awaiting the fate of the two night wardens. Yes, when I left you last time I was about to find out what was about to happen, now that the season had died down slightly.

Well, after a long discussion between Alex, Archie and myself at the weekend. I can now exclusively reveal what is going to happen. Ready? OK, then here goes. Archie finishes up on Sunday morning and that leaves me on six nights until sometime in October. So you can get your blog-fix until then. Aren't you happy?

On with the other news now. As the site is practically empty, the day wardens have been taking that opportunity to get the annual pitch repairs done. Obviously with a high volume of tents pitching up on the same patch of grass repeatedly over the season, the ground does show some wear and tear. So much so, that large parts of various camping fields have been closed off to allow for this necessary maintenance work to be carried out.

Despite the fact that there were signs asking people to 'keep off' the area, I did notice one male parking his mpv on the grass. Right on a pitch which was under repair. I asked him to move the vehicle as the area was closed off. His reply?

"Can't you do that in Winter when there's no one here?"

Well, this area is prone to snow during the Winter months, and as common sense would tell you; snow isn't exactly ideal grass growing conditions.

Either the site has become the home to a family of door-closing ghosts over the past few nights, or someone doesn't want to get a draughty-arse when they are using the toilet facilities. I lost count of the number of times I had to open and re-open one building's toilet doors. The first time I did it, was at the female toilets. I opened the main door and then the internal one. I was quite surprised to see a teenage male standing there with three female accomplices. Questioning his gender issues, I sent them on their way.

Later that night, after I had re-opened the toilet doors for the fiftieth time, I spoke to a group of three male ex-squaddies. One of them was more inebriated than the others and wouldn't quieten down. I had to speak to this tent on several occasions before calling Alex out. He had a word with them and after half an hour, they quietened down.

Last night was exceptionally dull. The rain couldn't decide whether it was on or off all night and I was left to wander the entire night not knowing if the rain was about to start.

After I had opened the main gate, I went back to the office and had a quick cup of coffee. Well, I almost had a quick cup of coffee. I had just made the coffee and placed it on the desk, switched the TV onto BBC News24 when a van drove past. I knew it wasn't the hygiene van which comes around to empty the sanitary bins on a weekly basis, so I decided to go and have a look.

It didn't take me long to spot the van, so I went and had a quick word in the driver's ear. I enquired as to what he was up to and he informed me that they were going to pitch their tent and go climbing. I informed them that the Reception opened at eight and to take his transit van back round to where he had been sitting. He did so, which is nice, and he also managed to do it fairly quietly without disturbing any of the punters.

Before I clocked off, I went into Reception and asked the receptionist how long they were staying. They're here for two days. There better not be any more shenanigans from them, otherwise they'll be leaving earlier.

That's all the news for this post, back in tonight and it looks like the weather will be pretty reasonable.

Nothing really happens

2007-09-14T18:09:00.000+01:00

...nothing happens at all, and the needle returns to the start of the song and we all sing along like before." - Del Amitri

I think last night was an interesting one, but more on that at a later date. It was a quiet evening on the site, well it was when I arrived, slightly later than usual but it was all above board. The first thing I noticed was that the building alarm was sounding inside, so I had to call Alex out to reset it. It was very quiet all night with absolutely nothing to report. Well, there was one thing. . .

I noticed last night that the owls were a lot quieter than usual. I thought maybe it was due to the fact that it was rather windy and I either couldn't hear them or they had been blown off course and weren't on the site. I found out the reason at around half seven this morning, as I was doing my usual routine of walking around the grounds, I discovered an owl (deceased) lying in an awkward position, in amongst a pile of branches, under a tree. That would explain the sudden silence then!

Back in tonight, and I do believe I will be finding out what will happen to both myself and Archie now that the season has died down slightly. I shall endeavour to keep you posted.

She's gone...

2007-09-13T17:54:00.000+01:00

...and I'm a broken man. Yes, the sad news of which I spoke in the last post has finally come. She left yesterday morning and I didn't even get a chance to say goodbye. I'm a broken man. Maybe it's due to the fact that I now have man-flu and I'm trying to milk it for everything it's worth.

Last night was a very quiet night compared to the weekend. The mass exodus of people have left the area and it's just the usual crowd that's in. Good news for the day shift though, I noticed, as it gives them plenty of opportunity to carry out essential pitch repairs. There are a lot of signs out asking people not to pitch in certain areas of the park.

I did have to call Alex out at just after midnight last night, I had spoken to a group who had their radio on and were talking loudly. I had to ask them to turn the radio off twice and to quieten down three times. The third time I paid them a visit, two of the males and one of the females were urinating in the trees. All season and I've had a few piss-takers, but never a female one. Luckily I was distracted talking to the male by the time I turned my attention to the person hanging around the treeline. I shone the torch on them and saw them pull up their trousers and apologise in a feminine voice. I didn't know where to look.

Alex appeared at the office door last night, just as I was about to set off on my rounds and informed me that Archie wasn't going to the annual staff night out and he practically begged me to go. Naturally I was very suspicious, I'm a night warden it's in the contract, but agreed to show face before heading off to work. Yes, they happened to plan the night out when I was on shift. Although Alex has said that he'll "make it up to me." How? Well, I didn't want to ask there and then. So we'll see what tricks he has up his sleeve.

A Frantic Weekend

2007-09-10T19:37:00.000+01:00

First of all, I'd like to apologise for not posting over the course of the weekend, but as the park has been pretty busy, I'm sure you'll understand.

When I went back in on Friday night, the chiminea gang and the bongo-toting loonies had left/been evicted from the site. I did hear from a member of the day staff that the bongo crowd were on a tour of the UK and were only staying for one night.

Friday night was the busiest of them all. Three night wardens on duty, with Billy on the gates for six hours and myself and Archie walking around the rest of the park. As you well know, the gates on the site close at eleven o'clock and after that, no one gets onto the site. By 11.30pm, the car park was pretty much full. By 11.45pm the grass area opposite the tarred car park was full and cars were still arriving back. It was mainly taxis, but three cars and a motorhome (which was already booked in on the site) came back. So, Billy became slightly flustered and asked me to help him out. I sent the cars and the motorhome further up the road where there is a secure car park and a path which takes them back onto the site. Take note; the motorhome occupants said that this was fine and they didn't mind. At 8am, they went in and complained and asked for a refund (which wasn't given) as they were refused access back onto the site.

Between the hours of midnight and four in the morning, a lot of taxis came back to the site. Most of them seemed to be on repeat journeys for the night. As the site is three miles from the nearest town, and after midnight the taxi fares are higher, these drivers must have made an absolute mint. Billy reminded them of the silence policy when they came back in and most of them adhered to it. There was one or two exceptions to that rule, but they were told by myself that if they didn't shut up, they would be leaving the site immediately.

The last taxi back on the site was at 5.40am.

On Saturday, the car park was filled, but only three vehicles were forced to park on the grass. A lot more punters went out and I finally managed to enforce the "no walking around with alcohol" policy. Fair enough, the punter was already inebriated and just looked confused when he handed over the can of lager and watched me pour it down the drain and put the empty in the bin.

Several reports went into the office and I think a few people were asked to leave. One group in particular. They arrived back around half past one and they shook Billy's hand and assured him that they would be quiet. They then proceeded to walk into the field and shout extremely loud. I hot-footed it into the field and found their tent. As I walked up to the tent, I heard one of them saying he was going to empty his bladder, so I shone the torch on him and he decided to use the toilet block instead. I spoke to one male, who was sitting behind the wheel of his vehicle, drunk. Before I managed to say anything to him, he offered me a fruit pastille. I declined his offer, and checked their ticket. They were due to be leaving in the morning, so I said to them if they didn't quieten down immediately, get in their tents and go to sleep, they would be leaving now. I had no further dealings with them, but I believe that Archie spoke to them afterwards, so I decided to put a report in anyway. They were rudely awoken at 8am and told to pack up and leave.

In the same field, there is a large tent (which has been booked in as a backpack tent, which has a smaller fee to pay) and next to it, were four small 2-3 man tents. One of which wasn't a part of the three smaller ones. If that makes sense. The teenage occupants came back after the fruit pastille mob and went to their tents and were talking loudly. I walked over and told them if they didn't quieten down immediately, they would be packing up and leaving the site. The male occupant of the tent which had pitched next to them, but wasn't a part of their group, said, "Good call mate." I guessed that he had been previously awoken by the teens.

At that point, I decided to go for a cup of coffee. I was standing outside the office with my hot cup of coffee, when a male approached me. I could see that he was tired and not a happy man. He asked me if I worked on the site, as if the fluorescent jacket wasn't a major giveaway, to which I replied with the affirmative. Once he had established where his tent was and that it was him who had said, "Good call mate" when I asked the noisy group of teens to quieten down, he told me that he was thinking about making a complaint. We spoke for around ten minutes, and when he left he said that he probably wouldn't make a complaint after all. So it came as a bit of a surprise when Alex told me that he had made a complaint and that, allegedly, it was like "world war three there." I said that it was of no such proportions, but Alex wasn't in the best of moods that morning, so there was no arguing about it.

The last taxi back on the site was at 5.55am, the sole returnee looked as though he'd been sleeping somewhere and had not long woken up. He did say 'good morning' to us though.

On Sunday, there was another party in the town. Even though the site only had around 200 tents and around 100 caravans and motorhomes, the site was reasonably quiet. Alex had mentioned to me, in passing, that a group of five teenagers were messing around in one of the sculleries and setting off the fire extinguishers. So it was Archie's job to find out their ticket details. This wasn't hard, because just after ten (before we had even started.) The group of teens were still in the scullery making a noise. Archie went over and sent them to their tents and told them if there was anymore noise from them, the manager would be called and they would be asked to pack up and leave. We found their tent shortly after that, so we knew who to keep an eye on.

Sadly though, we didn't have to speak to them again, but I think Alex went round and asked them to replace the fire extinguisher which they had set off the previous evening.

All was quiet until around two in the morning, when the pubs closed. The same group of males that were causing a disturbance the previous evening came back and we kept a very close eye on them. Two of them had decided to go and play on the swings, not the best idea at 2am. However, they were quickly sent to their tents and told if there was any further noise they would be evicted. They took a while getting into their tents and weren't happy that the park enforced a silence policy. Eventually though, they went to sleep. Another report for Alex in the morning.

The last taxi arrived back on the site at 7am. It's a new record!

Well, that's what everyone has been bracing themselves for and it's finally over. Back to normal this week, and that will shortly be followed by the end of the season.

Some sad news this week; the female receptionist, who Archie thinks has fancy for me, is leaving to go home. Alex mentioned this, in passing, but didn't say when. I guess only time will tell if we get to swap contact details before she bids this site 'Au revoir' for good.

Bongos, No -Shows and Have-A-Go's

2007-09-07T17:23:00.000+01:00

Well, it wasn't quite the mad dash I, and everyone else, had expected it to be. Nonetheless, it was still a busy night for a Thursday.

The ex-night warden was on last night with me, Archie was supposed to be on also, but he decided to go and get drunk instead of coming into work. Let's just say that when I phoned him, and Alex spoke to him, Alex wasn't best pleased.

The silence policy has been changed for this weekend, it's a case now of:

Strike One: You will be asked to quieten down with immediate effect, silence policy will be explained.
Strike Two: You will be instructed to leave the park first thing in the morning.

I spoke to one group in the reserved field and asked them to take the wood out of their chimenia, one of the males in the group (evidently more drunk than his friends) refused, but luckily his sober friend did as instructed.

I walked around the site and found a minibus of approximately ten Asian males. This was the group that I had been warned about before I started. Apparently, they were playing their bongos a little bit too loudly for their neighbours liking. There's nothing like a bit of culture on the site, is there? Anyhow, I digress. When I approached them, they were grabbing all the necessary items from their hired minibus for the evening, with the headlights on full beam pointed across the field. I asked them to switch the lights off and reminded them of the silence policy. They seemed pretty genuine and not the typical kind of bongo-toting loony you'd expect on a camping holiday.

As I was walking back, I noticed a vehicle with it's interior light on, as there had been no action near the car, I guessed it was a mistake. Luckily, the vehicle's owner's friends were still up (they also had wood on their fire, which they were told to remove) and they got the keys and switched the offending light off. They were very thankful, as it would have meant a flat battery in the morning if I hadn't told them.

Different field, another wooden fire. I could hear the wood cracking as it burnt from the top of the field, so I made my way down and told them to put the fire out. They apologised and did as instructed. When I returned half an hour later, they were in bed. Directly opposite this tent was a smaller one, with two loud occupants inside. I gave them one warning and that was all they were going to get. Again, they apologised and went to sleep.

I went back round to check on the group and their chimenia. Lo and behold, it was still burning the wood and they were still talking. Again, they were told to take the wood off the fire and quieten down otherwise the manager would be called. They didn't.

Just then, Billy (the ex-night warden) called Alex on the radio. Apparently, he'd left a door open which should have been locked. When Alex said he'd be down in five minutes, I called in on the radio that I may need his assistance for a group in one of the fields.

After about fifteen minutes, Alex turned up. He didn't look happy, he clarified this by saying, "You ruined my chicken." The first thing he had to do was lock the all important door, then he was free to deal with the chiminea gang.

As we approached the chiminea gang, Alex went ahead and spoke to them. The more inebriated one of the group wasn't happy that someone was telling them to put the fire out, shut up and go to bed. He remonstrated this by standing up and having a go at Alex. A punch was almost thrown, but he was held back by his friend. Alex's hand had a firm grip around his 'trusty steed'. When his friend asked for some help in restraining him, three people got up and walked briskly to the toilets. Eventually, the first restrainer was assisted by another male, they then bundled him into the tent and told him to shut up, in less polite terms.

I doubt they will be there tonight.

At around 0300hrs, I decided to pay another visit to the bongo-wielding troop in the furthest field. I had been there a few times before to tell them to quieten down. They were still talking. I gave them the ultimatum, "I want complete quietness now or you can pack up and leave." They took the hint and the lights went off and there wasn't a sound out of them. Apparently some of them were leaving early to go walking. I never seen anyone, or heard any movement from them after I spoke to them at three in the morning.

This morning, when I signed off, my report stretched to three pages. I'm hoping for a number of things tonight when I go in:

That Archie has sobered up enough to come in to work.
The groups/tents which were reported have been removed from the site (to free up space for friendly, tee-total, family people.)
That Billy doesn't bore me with his stories. . . "When I was the night warden. . ." or "When the last manager was here. . ."

I'll be lucky if I get two out of three, but you can but hope.

The Calm before the Storm Part II

2007-09-06T17:07:00.000+01:00

Despite what the local area thinks about this week being a major headache for anyone in a 50 mile radius, it's turned out to be not that bad. On Sunday, Alex said that despite what he said previously about it going to be a busy week, it looked like it was going to be a busy few days. Starting today.

I'll prove how quiet it's been this week, I still managed to get my two days off. If it had been busier, I had previously been asked to work an extra shift. Turns out, I wasn't needed as the site was fairly dead.

As Archie has his day off on a Thursday, I've been put on with someone else. Someone who talks more nonsense than Archie (believe me, that's quite a feat.). Someone who was once caught on duty sitting outside Reception, on a deckchair with a mug of coffee in his hands by the previous manager. Yes, I've been put on with the ex-night warden. He's not called the ex-night warden for nothing, you know.

Last night was fairly good, I only had to speak to a couple of punters about the excessive noise. I also spotted a couple of tents (obviously together) who had a proper barbecue and three or four bags of logs, kindling and wood chips. A quick check of the barbecue revealed that they hadn't burnt any of it yet, so I mentioned it to Alex during the handover this morning.

I'm not going to say that it's going to be a quiet night tonight, because I know that this will be false. From around 7.15am this morning, punters started arriving to book in, by the time I left at 8, there was a queue of around half a dozen cars and motor homes waiting in the lane outside Reception.

When I was speaking to Alex, one of the Receptionist's came through and showed Alex a booking-in slip and said, "There are seven guys, adults, wanting to book in." Alex took one look at her and with a face that screamed "NO! Not on my park!" he said, "OK." Then he asked her how she was doing for sets of site rules. She went away to check and just as I was leaving the back door, she came back through and said she had run out.

I get the distinct feeling that Alex won't be getting a decent nights sleep tonight.

Free Pizza and Handcuffed Males

2007-09-02T20:50:00.000+01:00

A fairly bizarre night, last night by all accounts. It started off pretty reasonably, before descending rapidly into madness.

The external car park, which holds approximately fifteen vehicles, was almost full last night. Most of them turned up not long after the gates had closed for the night and nobody tried to open them and drive onto the site. A 'civilised crowd' as Alex would say. At around midnight, the local pizza delivery van pulled into the car park and sat at the bottom with his engine running. I thought he was passing the time, so I decided to go and enquire what he was up to. Everything turned out to be legitimate though. He was waiting for the recipients of several pizzas which had been ordered and they were on their way to collect them.

I thought nothing more of the pizza delivery guy, until I returned to the gate twenty minutes later. He was still waiting. As I walked down towards the gate, he noticed me and walked over. He asked if anyone had come to me looking for the pizzas. They hadn't. He radioed through to his control room and asked what to do. Thankfully, the guy on the other end of the radio recently did some work on the site and decided to let us have one of the pizzas and the others would go to the pub for the bar staff. So, I'd like to thank the following people for their extreme generosity, even though they were probably unaware of it at the time:

The Pizza delivery company (driver and radio operator)
The group of hungry punters who ordered the pizza
and Nescafe, who provided unto me a coffee which washed down that pizza. I'd much rather be thanking Arthur Guinness, but unfortunately, I can't drink on duty.

As the pubs and clubs in the nearby town had a late license, some of our punters didn't come back until well after 3am. Under normal circumstances, I am scheduled to be on my break by this time. But, as this is a one off occasion (I hope), I decided to take a late lunch and deal with the drunken revellers who had stayed until kicking out time.

The first group to arrive back were asked immediately to quieten down the moment they stepped out of the taxi. As they walked off, the volume of their voices gradually became louder and louder. We followed them, at a close distance, into the first tent field. Where they spotted a motorbike which took their fancy. Well, it attracted the attention of two out of three of them. The third male was more intent on urinating very close to another punters tent. When I pointed out the location of the toilets, they all looked confused. I pointed them out again, by saying;

"There are toilets just there, you know. There is no valid reason to urinate next to someone's tent."

I thought they had got the picture. I couldn't have been further from the truth. As they walked off, I warned them that if we had to speak to them again, Alex would be called. Myself and Archie walked along behind them and when they got to their tents, they were being louder than ever. Only this time it was coupled with the slamming of car doors and laughing. The males, when we spoke to them and told (not asked, it was beyond asking politely) them to go to their tents and sleep, they turned into arrogant, selfish and irritating fools. One of them told us that we couldn't put them in a Police cell. They are partially correct, personally we can't put them in a Police cell, but we know some people who can. The Police. Not Sting & Co. but the local constabulary. One of the males had one handcuffed wrist, at least this would have made the local constabulary's job a lot easier had they been called. They eventually gave up and went to bed quietly. Details were taken and I suspect they would have been given a rather rude and unwelcome awakening by Alex early this morning.

After that, it was quiet until around 5am when the shop alarm went off. In this situation, an alarm sounds next to Alex's bed and he is down pretty sharp. After calling him on the radio several times, he answered. Once the shop had been opened and the alarm silenced and reset, the perpetrator of the problem was sourced. The same kamikaze loaf of Kingsmill bread as last time (probably a different loaf, but the same location.)

Alex disappeared into the sunrise, back to his warm bed and the land of slumber which I had woken him from five minutes previously and all was back to normal on the site.

During the site check in the morning, I found a £5 note on the ground. At least us night wardens won't be short of coffee and milk for the week.

Toilet Sleepers

2007-09-01T20:15:00.000+01:00

The event which we have been warned about are almost upon us, and we've all been bracing ourselves at all levels. From the owner, right down to the cleaning staff. Alex has told us to be on our toes at all times, because people will try to get away with things that are frowned upon in many respects. Campfires, walking around with opened alcoholic containers (which, I didn't realise was in the rules until recently and I shall now be enforcing with vigour).

Last night was fairly interesting, as the final few weeks of the 2007 season goes, in which we had a fairly quiet one. I was placed on gate-duty again, a task which I don't actually mind because it involves a great deal of punter-staff relations. Either way, the amount of vehicles which came back wasn't spectacular and most of the punters were of reasonable, non-loutish behaviour. Which is always welcome on the site.

At around 0100hours, myself and Archie were checking the toilets, a task which has to be done regularly at the weekends to ensure no punters have decided to sleep there instead of in their tents. As I walked into the largest toilet block on the site, I heard snoring. As I turned and spotted the punter, all curled up in the foetal position, on the counter next to the sinks, I realised that this male was the one I had stopped earlier in the evening, urinating in full view of several tents and punters. The same male who thought that the toilet block he was now fast asleep in, was the main reception. Anyway, I digress. Archie was designated the 'waker-upper' duties, whilst I had my hand firmly wrapped around my 'trusty steed' should the patron become violent. Due to the strong smell of alcohol emitting from him, this is always a possibility. It hasn't happened yet, but you should never count your chickens before they've hatched.

As he slowly awoke from his deep slumber, his first question was, "How long have you been trying to wake me?" Luckily, it hadn't been all that long. Archie told him to go to his tent and sleep there. He was complaining of "back pain" and the hard surface of the worktop helped him to sleep. I thought this was a fair comment, considering the fact he was so inebriated that he could barely stand. It wasn't until he mumbled the following, that alarm bells started to ring inside my head;

"I'll be honest with you, I don't have a tent."

OK, so we have an unwelcome guest on the site. Again we told him that he couldn't sleep there, no matter how good it was for his aching back, he had to leave. He stumbled outside and walked off. I kept my eye on him to ensure that he was going to leave the park. He wandered around to the rear of the building, so I duly followed him. I asked him again to leave the site and he assured me that he was just going to finish his cigarette and then leave. Archie wanted to check the toilets on another part of the site, so I walked round and grabbed the brightest torch from the shed and met up with him on his return journey. We both walked back to where we had seen the sleeping male last. Once we'd established that he wasn't there and was nowhere in the vicinity, we wondered where he had wandered off to. I checked the entrance and the road, but someone in his state couldn't have staggered too far. The roads and the entrance were both clear, so I checked the children's play area and the wooded area around the back of the holiday cottages. No trace.

Back to the toilets to check them again, and one of the cubicles was occupied. Was this our mystery man? I waited around outside to see who would come out. A short while transpired and nobody emerged. I heard the sound of the cubicle door being unlocked, so I gave the occupant enough time to set foot outside. When they didn't, I walked over to the toilets to check them again. The occupant of the cubicle was standing, brushing his teeth, at the sink. It wasn't our man. I did a quick check of the building and grounds. Once I had established that he wasn't there, I made my way to the nearest toilet block to check there. Again, no sign of the missing male. As I was heading back out of that field, Archie said something over the radio. It was a short transmission, and I only heard his current location and the 'roger' bleep. I made my way over to the field and found Archie standing next to our man.

He knew the rough location of the tent of his friends, but not the actual tent. After he had a long, slurred conversation with Archie, we both decided that it would be best if he walked off his alcohol and came back at dawn, when he would have more of a chance to find the tent he was looking for. He must have sobered up/woken up a bit more than the last time we spoke to him, as he realised this was a good idea. He walked off the site and down the road. I checked on his progress and he was far enough down the road for us to go for a coffee break.

He returned a few hours later and managed to get into his friend's tent and sleep for a few hours. All's well that end's well.

Back in tonight, where we may have an extra warden on duty and some interesting tales to tell in the morning. The good news is that I shall be relieved of gate duty for the forthcoming ten days or so.

Tumbleweeds and an eerie silence

2007-08-30T18:31:00.000+01:00

It was like something out of a vintage western film. With the added bonus of some rain early on in the evening.

When I arrived, the whole park was bustling with activity, even though the reception was closed. I was seriously expecting it to be a busy night, I couldn't have been further from the truth.

Archie left a note in my locker about some guitar-toting punters. Fortunately they had left/been kicked off the site by Alex prior to my arrival.

I set off around the site at the usual time, and there was still a number of people wandering around and cars heading back onto the site for the night. By eleven, everything had quietened down, with the odd exception. This time next week will be a completely different story.

I only had to speak to two tents who were talking a bit too loudly. They apologised and were genuine about the situation. At around half past one in the morning, a small troop of Irish teens came back from the pub. They were making a lot of noise, so when I spoke to them I told them that if I had to speak to them again, they would be leaving the park tonight. I stood close to their tents and watched them like a hawk. Surprisingly, they quietened down pretty soon when they realised I wasn't going to leave them alone. I did, once I heard the snores emitting from the tents.

Other than that, all was quiet. Most of the tickets had today's date on them, so I'd be surprised if the park is busy tonight, I could be wrong though, but I hope not.

Bank Holiday Bonanza!

2007-08-27T17:11:00.000+01:00

Well, what promised to be a challenging Bank Holiday weekend turned out to be no more than a gentle breeze on a Summer's day. Not that anyone in the UK would know what a Summer's day is like, going on the past few months anyway.

Friday night was fairly busy, with the tent fields sitting at the almost full point and the caravan/motorhome pitches spaced out evenly, although not that busy. It sets us in good stead for the coming few weeks when all hell will be let loose and a crowd descends upon this sleepy little town all expecting a party.

I spoke to an Australian couple who had arrived late and realised that the gate was closed and that they couldn't get in. They had a tent, but they would have preferred to sleep in the car, as pitching a tent in the rain wasn't something that they were used to. When I told them that this wasn't possible, they informed me that they would go to another campsite where the gate was closed and try to gain access there. I, personally, don't see the logic behind that thinking, but if that's what they want to do, I'm not going to stop them.

The crowd which I spoke to the previous evening had been spoken to earlier in the day by Alex, and he was told they wouldn't make a sound on Saturday night. I'm pleased to say that they stuck by their word. When their neighbours came back from the pub, Archie spoke to them and one of them squared up to him and told him, in broken English, that they weren't making a noise and told him where to stick his silence policy. I think Archie felt a little intimidated by them, as he didn't speak to them again for the remainder of the evening.

Sunday, however, was a different case altogether. One group, who Archie spoke to and told them to turn their radio off, decided to talk amongst themselves whilst drinking into the small hours of the morning. I decided to join Archie, after a short coffee break, to see how they were. It came as no surprise to us both, that when we walked up to that particular field they were still making a noise and they had decided to switch the radio back on. Archie went over to talk to them as the two females headed in my direction. One of them remarked how unhappy I looked at my job. I told them I was only unhappy with them as they were the only people on the site who were intent on making a noise. I also gave them a five minute warning from the moment they set foot back in their tent, otherwise they would be leaving the site.

A short walk around the park revealed that all was quiet, so it was back up to the four "twenty-somethings" only to discover that they were still talking, loudly. I walked over to their tent and gave them two minutes to quieten down otherwise they would be leaving the site. I waited close by to keep my eye on them, and to ensure that the noise levels were not breached.

After the two minutes had elapsed, I gave them one final ultimatum. Complete silence or leave the park. Naturally, because of the amount of alcohol they had consumed, they put up a bit of resistance and we had a short discussion to the point where I told them that the Police would be called if I didn't have complete silence. I stood next to their tent, with the torch off, listening to the conversation. I only do this for one reason, to hear the wondrous phrase "Let's call it a night and go to bed now." Unfortunately in this case it did not materialise. They did say,

"I wonder what would happen if they called the Police on us?"
"What if they do call the Police?"

At this point I shone the torch onto the tent and said,

"I'm sure that can be arranged."

One of the males laughed and responded with, "Good shout mate."

I waited around near the tent and approximately fifteen minutes later, they all went to bed.

After that, peacefulness reigned supreme across the entire site.

One Tiring Thursday

2007-08-24T19:52:00.000+01:00

Normally, on Thursdays, the site isn't all that busy. Last night was an exception to that particular rule. I was expecting the routine return of several taxis from the town with their drunken passengers. I wasn't the only one who was surprised when a total of three taxis came back the entire night.

As I was walking around the site, checking to see where all the tents were situated and to establish who would be likely to cause problems during the forthcoming seven hours. One young male, who was with his girlfriend, decided to set a newspaper on fire when I was walking toward them. I just happened to have a bottle of water on me, as you do, so I took great pleasure in pouring it all over the barbecue. I then asked the male not to light any further fires or he, and his girlfriend, would be leaving the park.

When I went to lock up one of the blocks, I walked into the gents toilets to lock the showers, when I was approached by a small child.

"Do you work here?"
"Yes."
"Oh crap."

It was only later that I realised why he had said this to me. Him and his friend had dissected the broken hairdryer coil (the coil wasn't previously damaged, it just needed a new nozzle.). I know where your tent is, as I spoke to your father the previous evening.

I spoke to a number of tents about the noise levels, but two groups in particular. An English group (they had an accent, but I'm not entirely sure where they were from) and a group of Germans. The English contingent were incessant on making as much noise as possible until they saw it fit to go to bed. At two in the morning. The German, at least I think they were German, group wanted to get into an argument with me, so I walked away. On the last occasion when I spoke to the English crowd, two of the Germans walked away from the tent. This was after the laughing episode which had awoken the adjacent tent to them. When I walked up to the English tent, I gave them the final warning, the "shut up or leave" approach. Approximately ten seconds after I had said this to them, one of the females uttered the following,

"I can't believe he said that to us when he saw those guys walking away."

OK, so now I have to go and ask the Germans to go to bed and be silent. I walked over and gave them the same treatment, I was quite happy for them to finish their cigarette and go to bed. I waited around to ensure that they did as instructed. Which they did, about five minutes later.

At the same time as this was happening, I was walking through one of the fields when I heard someone trying to attract my attention. I ignored it at first, because I genuinely thought the male was trying to get the attention of his dog. Because that's exactly what it sounded like to me. After a while, I realised that he was wanting my attention. I walked over and his wife came out to speak to me. Apparently there was a female at reception whose child was having an asthma attack and couldn't get the gates open to leave for the hospital. I thanked the woman for this information and made my way swiftly to reception. There was no one there. Well, I tell a lie, just as I approached the reception, two cyclists approached me and asked if they could pitch their tent for the night. I dealt with them efficiently and walked back into the tent field to ascertain where the female was. As I was walking round, I heard someone running towards me across the grass, I shone my torch onto the grass to find out what was happening.

"Are you the warden?"
"Yes."
"Can you come to my mummy's tent, my little sister isn't well."

I followed the child to the tent to be met by a woman who was cradling her baby, which at the time was asleep and seemed oblivious to what was happening. The female then told me the details and she wasn't sure if she should take the child to hospital or not. She informed me that she would rather telephone the out of hours service. I couldn't understand this at all, the child seemed fine, but I insisted that there may be an underlying problem and it's best to get it checked out by the relevant medical bodies. The whole time I was stood there, the female decided to breastfeed the baby on several occasions, before saying:

"I can't keep feeding her all night." - Mother
"No, you'll get sore." - her older daughter, approximate age: 8 or 9

An intelligent child, some might say.

The process of swaying her to going to hospital took fifteen to twenty minutes. It obviously wasn't life-threatening. I said I would open the gates for her while she got some things together and got in her car. As I opened the gates, I heard the female noisily start her car and drive, rather loudly, toward the exit. She asked if she could get back in to which she was told, "No."

Later in the morning, I found what would possibly be the reason for her reluctance to go to the hospital. Judging by the large amount of empty wine bottles and general rubbish outside her tent, she was probably in no fit state to drive.

When I spoke to Alex this morning during the handover, he told me that there was a large number of groups booked in and to "be on my toes" at all times. I think I am psyched up enough for tonight.

Let's hope that tomorrow's blog posting will be an interesting one!

Some Advice

2007-08-23T16:57:00.001+01:00

OK, I'd like to give some advice based on a scenario I found myself in last night and to anyone who may try to do this and get away with it in future on my site.

It states quite clearly in the welcome pack you are given, by the lovely receptionists (Nope, they didn't pay me to say that about them. I value all the staff there, with no exceptions. . .), when you arrive that open fires and fires/barbeque's of any description (other than charcoal) are strictly not allowed.

I'd appreciate it if you didn't do any of the following when I ask you to put it out:

Pretend you haven't seen me standing next to your barbeque. I'm wearing a hi-visibility jacket, how difficult is it not to see me?
When I ask you to extinguish the fire, the correct answer is not, "We're just going to let it burn out."
When I politely remind you that you've been spoken to on several occasions about putting wood on the fire, don't tell me you haven't. I was there, I know what was said.
Don't question why I am standing there after you have said you'd put the fire out and then not move. I'm waiting for you to walk across to the tap to fill up a bottle of water to put it out.

One group did everything above last night when I spoke to them. Let's hope they didn't lie to Alex when he went round to speak to them this morning.

On a side note, I haven't seen the receptionist that Archie reckons has a fancy for me lately. I hope she hasn't left the company, before I got to know her. I also noticed, when I was in the office this morning, that there was a new receptionist being trained. I don't want to say too much about her at present, but we'll see how things pan out.

That's all for today, back in tonight to see what joys await me.

The Calm before the Storm

2007-08-19T19:42:00.000+01:00

Friday was unusually quiet this week. Only three taxis came back from the town and all the punters were quiet. I suppose this was helped, somewhat, by the recent rain we've been having. Other than that it was very quiet for a Friday night, has the tourist season really been and gone and we've not noticed it? Things will pick up in about a fortnights time when the area plays host to a large scale event. I'm hoping for one or two little blog snippets when the time comes.

Saturday night was rather quiet also. Archie did manage to put in one report, about a small group of males who came back late on in the evening (I suppose that should be, early on in the morning.) and they were fairly arrogant to me when I passed them at the gate.

Another group of three males came back prior to that and one of them decided to urinate against the fence next to the public footpath. I did my best trying to gain his attention, by shouting at him. It wasn't until I was stood less than six foot away from him shining my torch at him, that I managed to attract his attention. I reminded him that there was a toilet block a few hundred yards away from him, and as he was heading in that direction anyway, he could use that. Nevertheless, he decided to finish what he was doing and walk off. I radioed Archie and gave him a description of the group and asked him to find out which tent they were heading to. Later in the morning, as I was checking the grounds, I checked their ticket and it had the 19th August written on it, so I didn't bother submitting a report about them.

It's Sunday evening, as I write this entry, and judging by the current weather conditions, it looks like it'll be a busy night. The sky is almost entirely blue, with only a wisp of a cloud every now and then. I doubt that there won't be a few late night drinkers and fires on the site tonight.

We shall see.

Nice 'n' Easy

2007-08-17T16:54:00.000+01:00

Well, the past two nights have been pretty much fantastic. In fact, as nights go, they were ideal. Somehow I can't get the saying, "the calm before the storm," out of my head.

Wednesday night, I only had to speak to one group who had a candle/paper/wood barbecue on the go. I asked them nicely to put it out, as I walked off I noticed it was still burning. That wasn't a problem, as when I spoke to Alex before he left, he told me that he'd have a word with them. It was also on Wednesday that I noticed the gate chain wasn't there. As Archie was the last person to have it, I called him and sent him a text message. Both of which were greeted with no reply. When I asked Alex if he had the chain, he confirmed that he didn't and called Archie a 'fudd' for losing it/putting it in his locker. Luckily I had some rope in the car which I used to tie the gate closed. Nobody questioned it and nobody made any attempt to gain access to the park.

Thursday night, well, this was a bit of a strange one. Had a look round the 'office' for the chain, but to no avail. Luckily I still had the rope from the previous evening. So I roped off the gate and walked around the entire site. Twice. Nobody was making any noise. I didn't have to speak to anyone about excessive noise. It was sheer bliss.

I got to thinking, after about an hour, how I hadn't had any idiots driving around the park after hours. It must have been this thought that triggered an elderly couple to drive from one park to their caravan. A total distance of approximately 500 yards. I was about to approach the driver in question to remind him that vehicles weren't permitted to drive around unnecessarily after eleven o'clock. As I walked toward the caravan, I noticed that the male was urinating against next to his vehicle. The nearest toilet block is directly opposite where their caravan was pitched up, about 50 yards away, in fact. A lot less than the total distance he had just driven. I was completely baffled by the events which were unfolding in front of my very eyes, so I decided to walk around to try and come to terms with what had happened.

About ten minutes later, I heard another vehicle driving cautiously and quietly toward the exit. I spoke to them and the driver informed me that his wife was ill and he was taking her to the hospital. Either the Accident and Emergency department was quiet last night, or they were just nipping out to the all night garage for something, either way they were back within an hour.

I suppose that will teach me for thinking about cars driving around during the night.

Wet 'n' Wild

2007-08-12T19:19:00.000+01:00

Last night was a wet night, it wasn't quite the monsoon-esque weather which other parts of the country suffered lately, but it was that incessant rain which soaks you to the very core.

After Archie and I walked around the park, surveying where everyone had pitched their tents and who would most likely cause the most trouble. I decided that I'd do the first couple of hours on gate duty. Gate duty is a task which has to be done every Friday and Saturday nights, it involves keeping an eye on the caravan pitches and the main entrances to the park.

Just before Eleven, I was walking down to the gate to lock it for the night, when I noticed a car and caravan pull up. Obviously at that time of the night, I didn't want him disturbing the majority of the guests who were asleep, so I directed him to the nearest available pitch. While I was talking to the couple, a mobile home pulled up behind them. As the caravanner's pulled away, I noticed that the mobile home wasn't planning on stopping, so I had to flag him down. After the driver explained that he had a reservation booked for one night, in the furthest field from the entrance, I asked him to wait a second while I contacted Archie to check which pitches were available. I had noticed that one of the disabled pitches was available, so I asked Archie if he could direct them into that one. They were apologetic about turning up so late, due to a number of accidents on the road up. Once they were both safely inside the park, I closed the gates and walked off to the first field.

As I made my way round, I noticed that there were several cars parked up outside the gate. I walked down to the gate to ensure that no one opened the "locked" gates and drove onto the site. I did have a slight argument with one punter who was insisting that I opened the gates to allow him to drive to his tent because it was raining. I told him, politely, that the gates are locked at eleven and there were signs which proclaim, in large bold lettering, that no vehicles are permitted onto the park once the gates are closed. I pointed the signs out to him, but he was complaining about the rain and how he'd have to carry all his stuff into the park. I apologised again, but this was instantaneously ignored. All the occupants of the vehicles behind him, realised at that point the gates weren't about to be opened and they couldn't sneak through, so they all parked up. Most of them bidding me the usual pleasantries before walking up the rain soaked drive to their accommodation, all bar one.

When I eventually managed to leave the confines of gate duty behind, I walked into the nearest tent field to tell one or two punters to quieten down. Approximately five seconds after I walked into the field, I heard a vehicle moving on site, so I had to hurry back to reception. I clocked the car and called Archie on the radio, telling him in which general direction the vehicle was travelling. I ran round the back of reception, following the car, when I was stopped by a male asking if I had a torch as he couldn't find his tent. He was very pleasant, so I couldn't exactly refuse him help. I noticed him come back fifteen minutes earlier, so he must have been wandering around since then looking for it. Luckily the male was heading in the direction of the car, which had stopped outside the toilet block, so when I got there Archie was already on the scene. I asked the driver to park up and walk back to his tent. I did this as politely, albeit slightly out of breath, as possible. Despite my best efforts, the driver said "Yeah, fine, next time speak to me more nicely."

Once we had safely deposited the roaming wanderer in his tent, Archie told me of a potential situation which was causing him, and the tents around them, some concern. When we walked into the field, I could hear the noise from the large group from quite a distance. I asked Archie how many times he had spoken to them and he told me that this would be their third time. The arrogance of the driver had obviously affected me somewhat, so I marched over to the tent, pulled the entrance open and stuck my head inside. "Right, Radio off now and you have two minutes to be quiet otherwise you'll be leaving." Normally this tactic works every time. When myself and Archie realised it wasn't going to work, I decided to call Alex out. As I was talking to him over the radio, someone in the field decided to start their car and drive it. I managed to stop them and asked them to park up. They were about to go over to the noisy group and knock seven bells of the proverbial out of them. They were happy enough when I told them that Alex was on his way to deal with them.

As I walked back over to the tents, I heard a car starting up over by the toilet block. I knew straight away that it was the same male as before, so we both ran over to stop him from moving any further. He did, but he wasn't best pleased. He may well put a complaint in about us, but Alex will soon point out that he was in the wrong. If he does try and put up any fight, then he will be escorted off the park. It's happened countless times before, he isn't the first and he certainly won't be the last.

Alex arrived, after falling asleep in his chair, and spoke to the group. He asked myself and Archie to check their tickets first thing. Lo and behold, when we did we identified a number of discrepancies. The main one was that they were in a reserved field and none of the group had the corresponding code for that field. Jackpot. Not only will they be asked to leave first thing in the morning, they won't be allowed to re-book and they'll be asked to pay the excess amount which they should have paid in the first place.

After that I went back to the gate when I heard a vehicle pulling in. It was the group of pensioners who I spoke to last night. It's this type of punter I love; no hassle, no noise, no trouble. I walked over to their car and put the torch on it, as I knew the car park is prone to puddles on that side, I didn't want them to step out of the car and into a puddle. As we all walked towards the gate they were chatty and very pleasant (maybe a few too many brandies). I warned them of the large muddy puddle just as you go through the pedestrian entrance next to the gate. As I walked off after saying my goodbyes to them, one of the females told me that I was "a true gentleman." It's nice to be appreciated once in a while.

Later in the evening, Archie was challenged to a bout of fisticuffs with a stereotypical "rubber man", who could barely keep himself upright. They went on to cause a bit of noise but soon quietened down after the threat of being asked to leave at three in the morning by the park manager. One of the group woke up at around six in the morning and was asked by Archie to quieten down, the reply which came back was a bit odd, "It's nine o'clock, it's time to party!" Followed by a lot of human beat box noises. I walked over to the tent to investigate and it seems one of the group had left his Sony Ericsson Walkman mobile phone outside. In a muddy puddle.

Karma strikes again.

Pools of Vomit and Screaming Males

2007-08-11T20:56:00.000+01:00

According to Archie, one of our female receptionists has a fancy for me. We'll just have to wait and see on that one.

Last night was a bit of a strange one. First off, we have eventually sorted the problem of locking the gate. Although I can't say too much about it here, all I will say is that it fooled about a dozen vehicles during the night, and boy Alex was pleased.

Just after Alex retired for the evening, I heard a few vehicles heading back from town, so I headed down to the gate to ensure that all was well. I noticed a familiar figure walking towards me, it was Andy, the day warden. Apparently someone had called him and said the motor home adjacent to theirs was making too much noise. We both walked around the field to narrow it down to two vehicles, directly opposite each other. Andy asked them both to quieten down which they did, although they didn't realise that they were that loud outside their respective vehicles.

I spoke to a lovely crowd of Scottish pensioners who came back just before midnight. They were all very pleasant and likable. I was joking with them, asking them why they didn't jump over the gate to get back in, one of the female group replied with, "Oh, no' in this dress, it's too long!" I left them to return back to their caravans with a smile on their faces.

Archie received a complaint from a drunken male with a rottweiler. Apparently the tent behind their own, one of the occupants was snoring loudly, according to the male with the rottweiler, it was disturbing them from getting to sleep. Archie was asked if he could wake up the occupants to ask them not to snore. When Archie returned to the tent later they were still complaining, but this time there was no noise coming from the snoring occupant of the tent behind them. When Archie left them, he went around to the rear of the tent and was met by the partner of the snorer. She was very apologetic and said that she had heard everything that they were saying about her partner. Only time will tell if she has made a complaint about them.

It was very quiet until around one-ish, when Archie was walking around one of the tent fields and heard someone vomiting. As he turned around, he saw the occupant bursting out of his tent and running in the general direction of the toilet block. He was sick a further three times before he made it there. Luckily it rained during the night and washed the majority of the vomit away.

Myself and Archie were sat in the "office" having a quick coffee during a quiet spell and half-way through the cup of golden brown goodness, when I heard a loud scream. It was time to down cups, grab the 'trusty steed' and head out. Turns out, that our screamer was in the furthest field from our "office" and we had heard it crystal clear. Archie tends to take the more 'softly-softly' approach to troublemakers, whereas I prefer the 'direct-threat' approach. We quickly established which tent the noise was coming from and I instructed Archie to go chat to the tents who were awoken by the noise. I walked over to the tent, shook it and said in the most serious voice anyone can muster at three in the morning, "Night warden" A male inside the tent screamed very loudly at this point, "You have two minutes to quieten down or you will be leaving the park NOW." It was followed closely by the obligatory half-hearted apologies. I wasn't prepared to leave them alone, incase they started up again. They all piled out of the tent and approached me, cautiously, one by one. "Can we go to the toilet and get our stuff from the car?" I decided to let them, but only two left, so I asked Archie to tail them to ensure they were quiet. Which, surprisingly, they were. They eventually got back into their tent and went to bed. The occupant of a tent, which was close-by, came over to me and said, "Thank you so much. You handled that very professionally, I'd have kicked them off ages ago." It's nice to be appreciated now and again. They are booked in for tonight as well, but after a short chat with Alex this morning, I doubt they will be.

After that, it was quiet night. Thankfully. When I was wandering the grounds in the early morning, I found a five pound note. Right next to the screamer's car. Karma, anyone?

On the final strike. . .

2007-08-10T18:19:00.000+01:00

Well, it was a fairly quiet night last night, I only put in one report, and even at that the page wasn't full.

I had a fairly long (20 minutes) chat with Alex last night about the following:

Court reports
Archie
The gate
and what will happen toward the end of the season.

The court reports were about this guy and another incident which happened before I started my shift, when Alex lost a shirt. Well, he didn't lose it, the arrested male ripped it, so he wasn't best pleased.

Archie, who isn't Alex's "best friend" at the present moment, was the subject of a fairly lengthy discussion about what may/may not happen to him toward the end of the season. I'd write about it here, but some of the predicaments he has found himself in recently are pretty specific, and as I'd like to keep a certain degree of anonymity in this blog, I'll not be saying anything more about it. Unless I get this blog published (which is highly unlikely) then you'll just have to keep wondering about it until then.

Alex has never been keen about locking the gate during the night, especially on weekday nights when there is generally only one night warden around. At the weekends (specifically Friday and Saturday nights) there is a lot more traffic coming back to the site after eleven o'clock, so it makes sense to secure the gate in a way which discourages people from entering the site unbeknown to us. This happened the other night when Archie was on, someone opened the gate, drove through the park and pitched their tent. Quite how Archie didn't spot them, I don't know. But let's just say that due to the barrage of complaints which was received at Reception the next day, he's not exactly 'flavour of the month' with Alex. But, I digress. Alex and I have come up with an ingenious solution to the gate problems. I can't say too much about it, but you may find yourself on my site and realise there is a way onto the park outwith operating hours (11pm - 6am). As long as you do it when I'm not on shift, that's perfectly OK with me.

It's midway through August now, so the end of the tourist season is just around the corner. Well, once we've dealt with a major tourist attraction which is coming our way shortly (and will provide me with a major blog-fest when it happens.) the season will take a serious nosedive. Alex discussed with me what options are available to him for when the time comes. Let's just say that the roulette wheel spins in my favour at the current moment. That's if Archie doesn't manage to get himself fired beforehand.

On other news, I only had to speak to one German male last night for urinating against a hedge, directly opposite the toilet block. I've also added a new link to the blog roll, go check them out (click here)!

New Link Added

2007-08-10T18:12:00.000+01:00

Since I started on the site, I've noticed a company which provides customised camper vans for hire, all of which are spray-painted in a range of humorous and eye-catching designs. So, when I spotted another one last night, I thought I'd put up a link to their website on this blog.

Wicked Campers - Go check 'em out!

Free Alcohol

2007-08-06T22:30:00.000+01:00

The last time I was offered anything free on the site, it was illegal. This time, it was all legitimate.

The past few nights I have been taking no prisoners on the site. It's been a fairly quiet couple of days, which isn't a good sign for this time of the year, as the season is well and truly into the high point.

When I was walking around the site with Archie, I noticed a couple of cars parked up on the grass, directly opposite the sign which requests that punters shouldn't. I realised that two of the three tents were still awake and I asked them to move their vehicles into the parking bays supplied. Normally people would put up a fuss and say that there were no signs saying that they can't park on the grass. Despite the fact that everyone else around them has parked in the designated parking bays. The night wore on and nothing else of note happened.

Saturday night, however, was a bit of a mixed bag to be honest. Alex radioed me as usual and told me that there was nothing to report and that the punters we had on the site were a decent crowd.

A few taxi's came back from the town and they all retired to their respective tents/caravans without so much as a whisper. At around quarter to three, I heard a lot of noise coming from the main entrance, so I radioed Archie and asked him to rendezvous at the gate. There were four males, all drunk and making a lot of noise, asking if they could pitch their tent in the park. I told him that due to the time and the fact that the park was pretty full (a lie) we couldn't take them. I did tell them of the car park five minutes down the road where they could pitch their tent for the evening. It's about a five-ten minute walk sober, if you're drunk then it's a good half an hour's stagger away. One of the males confirmed that they were all drunk and they were all over the legal limit. I told them again, it's only about a five minute walk. The male who was talking to myself, informed me previously that they weren't planning on sneaking onto the park, but would I mind retrieving his tent which he had thrown over the hedge. Now, if that's not sneaking onto the park, I don't know what is.

After about five minutes of milling around in the car park, one of the vehicles started up. It then proceeded to drive off down the road. There was a five second delay between the car leaving the car park and myself calling the Police. I only did this because the road to the town is a private, unclassified, road owned by the company. I didn't want to be driving home in the morning and find a car off the road.

I walked down to the car park to check that no one was sleeping in the other car and to see if they had left any mess behind. I was quite surprised by what I did find though. A two-litre bottle of Coke and a bottle of Jack Daniels, both of which were unopened. Luckily for me, I had two days off coming up and a free bottle of Jack Daniels to keep me company.

Back to work on Wednesday and it looks set to be another quiet week. Well, we can but hope, can't we?

Wind and Rain

2007-08-04T19:07:00.000+01:00

Well, it was more wind than anything else. Not much has been happening over the past few nights, so there hasn't been much to blog about really. I'll sum up the past few nights in this entry, to keep you up to speed.

On Thursday night, there was a disturbance further up the road, so I went up there and moved the group of six on their way. They weren't completely drunk, just slightly merry (and French) so they were very compliant with me when I asked them to move on. I spoke to a group of foreign (unknown origin) people who were talking too loudly for my liking, and that of those around them, so after a while I gave them the ultimatum, "You have two minutes to be quiet or you will be leaving the site." After that, it was complete silence. I was then approached by two males asking why I was acting 'suspiciously' in the field and if I didn't leave they would call Alex and the Police. I informed them that if they didn't return to their tent immediately, they would be leaving the site. They were drunk and didn't believe that I was, in fact, the night warden.

Last night was very quiet. After the two blocks had been locked down, I went with Archie to close the gates. Alex was still in the office, so I didn't "lock" the gates. We both walked off and checked around the site for people causing a disturbance. Thankfully, the wind and rain masked the majority of the noise emitted from most tents and the only people who were out and about were the ones who were securing their tents firmly to the ground.

Half an hour later a call comes over the radio from Alex asking us both to get to the main gate. As I walked towards it, I could see several car lights on the inside of the gate and I could hear angered voices as I walked towards the area. Alex wasn't best pleased. It turns out that because I hadn't locked the gate (Alex was still in) people had thought that it was OK to drive through the closed (and bolted) gate to their tents. Not true. I put it down to the fact that the weather was atrocious and the punters didn't want to get wet while walking to their tents. After Alex had a brief exchange of words with them, Archie tailed them to their pitch while I waited around the gate. According to Alex, there was a disagreement and they were leaving the park with a refund. I walked around the nearest park to to the entrance when I heard Archie on the radio to Alex. I was then given my next mission. I was to open the gate to let them out. After they left, I closed the gate and walked back to the Reception.

Due to the high winds and light spattering of rain, there was only two canvas casualties. Two people were asleep in their tent when it collapsed around them, shearing the poles and rendering them useless. I spoke to the couple concerned, it was their last night and they were a genuinely nice couple. So I opened up the laundry and allowed them to bed down in there for the night. Luckily though, at six, they were up and about, so the visions of a long queue of people wanting to use the laundry first thing was instantaneously vanished from my mind. The other couple didn't make any attempt to find us, they just decided to bed down in their car for the night. Unlike the first couple, who were backpacking and didn't have a vehicle.

Apart from that, it was a very quiet night. A few punters left early due to the weather (which, by five-ish had cleared up to show some blue sky) and didn't close the gate behind them.

I was looking forward to my weekly argument with the recycling company who always arrive before six. Sadly they were running late this morning and I didn't get to fall out with them. Even though I've been begged not to by Alex.

As I write this, it's currently raining, hopefully that will deter the punters from leaving their tents. We shall see.

Poachers, Teenagers and Pools of Vomit

2007-07-31T22:35:00.000+01:00

Well, it's been a quiet few nights on the site with nothing of note to report on the blog, I'm afraid. The only thing which happened was a punter who decided to park on the grass (after Alex speaking to him about not parking on the grass and subsequently, myself reporting the punter for parking on the grass) only for me to find his car parked up outside his tent. . . you've guessed it, on the grass.

So I managed to get his attention and asked him to park in the parking bays provided. I left him half an hour and upon my return, I found that he hadn't parked up on the grass or in the car park, but on the main access road to the sewage plant. Thus effectively blocking several cars from getting out of the car park. As he had gone to bed, all I could do was report him to Alex in the morning. One punter took half and hour to manoeuvre out of the tight space opposite the guy's car. He then spotted me and told me. Luckily he wasn't angry, just very jovial about the scenario.

I then spent the night tracking down a group of five teenagers who were loitering on the site. When I found them, I was fairly firm with them. They were in the children's play area, and had moved one of the benches over to the swings. I asked them to leave, and when I saw that they weren't going to put the bench back, I politely reminded them that as they had moved it there in the first place, they should move it back to where they found it. Which they did, without any complaining or strop-taking.

The next night, Archie told me that they were on the move again. So I went off on my own and found them in a large group near their tents. I was even stricter with them than before, as I didn't want to spend the majority of the night chasing round after a group of love-struck teenagers. I told them that they had five minutes to get into their tents and be quiet otherwise they wouldn't be leaving the next day, but there and then. They got the message and within fifteen minutes, there wasn't a sound coming from their tents.

Archie had spotted them leaving the gents toilets, after being sick and missing the toilet bowl by a country mile, so I decided to be strict with them.

Just outside the campsite, is a river. The river is owned by the company and is classed as private property, and as such, fishing is not permitted. I could hear voices from the riverbank, so I decided to take a look. There were three males on the rocks next to the river with a rod in the river. Directly under a tree with a "No Fishing" sign. I advised them to take the rod out of the water otherwise they would find themselves in Police custody for the night. They were very apologetic and seemed pretty genuine to admit that it was a mistake, so I gave them the benefit of the doubt. However, the next morning, I spoke to one of the river bailiffs and told him of their pitch number and he agreed to have a word with them.

This is my last night off, and it's back to work tomorrow. Hopefully I'll have something to blog about then.

The Peak of the Season

2007-07-28T19:37:00.000+01:00

Well, it's finally here, the peak of the tourist season in this area. Judging by the large bare patches of grass and gravel around the site, you wouldn't believe it. I've worked in the tourism sector for a number of years and I've never seen it so bad. I still firmly believe that it's "the calm before the storm" because in a few weeks, the whole area will be crowded with people and there won't be a single inch of grass/gravel which isn't occupied by a tent or a caravan. Mark my words, it'll be a blog-fest here when that day comes.

So, enough talking about the future and let us talk about the past. Last night was a bit of a bizarre one, to be perfectly honest. When I started my shift (I was on my own as Archie, the other night warden who does the Friday night shift with me had called in sick.) I walked into reception and had a chat with Alex. It's not something I get to do face-to-face every night, but it has to be said, I do enjoy the chats (gives me something to blog about) that we have and it gives me a heads up for what's happening on the site and who I need to keep an eye on, etc.

Alex said that he'd be in the office until eleven and he'd close the gate and lock up one block if I could concentrate on the other and lock that down when the time comes. I said that was fine.

So I walked round the entire site, surveying the grounds to see where everyone was pitched and who I thought we may have issues with later on. I locked down one block and was heading to the gate to switch the night-lights on, when I saw Alex walking down to close the gate. I spoke to him and asked him to have a word with one tent who I had spoken to twice in under five minutes, there was obviously a language barrier here. I didn't speak German and they didn't speak English. We closed the gate and Alex asked me to go and lock up the second block. There was nobody about, so I went round all the doors and locked them, when suddenly my radio kicked in

"Come in ___, do you copy, over"
"Yeah, go ahead"
"Right, I've had a word with that crowd and there was someone who spoke reasonable English there and I've explained the no noise policy to them, I doubt you'll have any more problems with them. . . hang on a minute. . . "

The "hang on a minute" was delivered in such a way that voiced confusion, so I headed towards reception to find out what was going on.

As I came out of the far entrance to the field I was in, I noticed several cars outside reception, all turning around and heading back towards the gate. It turns out that someone decided to open the gate and let themselves in, thus letting the four other vehicles behind them in in the process. Alex had spotted them all coming in, managed to stop the second, and subsequent, vehicles, but the first vehicle had refused to stop and drove on. Luckily, Alex knows his vehicles, so I was told to find a specific vehicle during the night and to inform him of it's location the next morning.

"Y'see Alex, that's why I asked for a lock for the gate."
"Yeah, you'll have one tomorrow night mate, rest assured."

As we both walked down to the gate to get it closed again, one of the folks turned back by Alex took the biscuit.

"Are we allowed to walk in then? Is that OK?"
"Are you being facetious?"
"No, I was only. . ."
"Well if you want to play it like that you can pack your tent up and leave the park now, if you want."
"No, no, no. I was just. . . There are no signs up. You're only the night warden."
"Excuse me, I am NOT the night warden. What about this one on the gate, which says no vehicular access after eleven o'clock?"
"But I didn't know the time."
"Well what about the one here which states the gates are closed at eleven?"
"That's too small, I never noticed that one."
"Well maybe (addresses the crowd) you should all learn how to read."

One male in the group tried to apologise for his friend's attitude. Alex was having none of it. I was then dispatched to find out where they were pitched up. Sadly, though I didn't get to remove them from the park during the night. They were only booked in until today, but I know for a fact that they would not be allowed to re-book.

It was a fairly hectic few hours between then and about two-ish, when one of the residents turned up with a convoy in tow. The guy had already been reported before, by Archie, a few nights ago. So I was ready to stick the proverbial pin in the balloon he was carrying. As the car-park outside the gate is still on our land, it's classed as private property. So when a Transit motor home with a red and white colour-scheme (think 'Starsky & Hutch' Ford Transit style) with a passenger who is passed the point of being classed as drunk wants to camp there for the night and enter the site in the morning, I wasn't having any of it. I sent the occupants further back down the road, outwith my jurisdiction. I didn't get to see who was driving though.

After that, all I had to deal with was some idiot who decided to start his car engine twice during the night to keep the heater on. I wasn't best pleased when I went over the second time (which was exactly one hour later) to tell him to turn it off. At least the second time he was more suitably dressed. The first time I spoke to him he was drunk and bouncing around the car-park area in his Y-fronts.

Last week, I had an argument with the cardboard recycling drivers. They tried opening the gate before six, I managed to stop them. They had it partially open, so I decided to close it back up again and walk off. The driver jumped out of his cab and informed me that he wasn't coming back again. Fine by me. I'd actually forgotten about it, until he turned up this morning, five minutes later than the previous week and had unlocked the gate before I got there. When I was speaking to Alex during the handover, he literally begged me not to fall out with them again. Because they didn't recycle the cardboard last week, they had to burn it. Last night it got emptied, luckily for them. But I've been asked (almost on his knees, so he was) not to upset Mr. Recycling Man.

I'll do my best.

Big Brother

2007-07-25T01:42:00.000+01:00

I realise this post may be slightly off topic a bit, but during the lunch breaks in the small hours of the morning, there isn't much to watch on the TV. It's either BBC News24 or Big Brother.

Over the past few weeks of watching this drivel, before switching over to BBC News24, I've noticed an uncanny resemblance between one of the housemates and a housemate of a different decade. I just wondered if anyone else had spotted it also.

The similarity between Ade Edmondson's character 'Vyvyan Basterd' from The Young Ones and Tracey Barnard from this year's Big Brother.

See for yourself:

Free Drugs

2007-07-23T21:34:00.000+01:00

I'll admit it, I was wrong. I shot myself in the foot in the last blog posting, by saying that Sunday nights are generally very quiet. On the contrary, last night was fairly busy.

During the course of the night, myself and Archie were offered the following items:

A bottle of Magners cider for when we finished. (Politely declined as the bottle was already opened.)
Free "quality" drugs, I think it was cannabis. (Politely declined, as I don't do that sort of thing.)
A look at a rather loud Glaswegian females vagina in the toilets. (As far as I know, Archie declined this offer, reasons fairly obvious)

The first group of people we spoke to were being very loud, and that was before the silence policy had even started.

As we locked up the two main blocks and closed the gate, we weren't expecting a busy night. Apart from having to return to one group in particular on several occasions, the night was pretty quiet.

Before I go on my mid-morning tea-break, I always walk around the entire site just to make sure that everyone is in their accommodation and fast asleep. If not, then they'll be getting a severe ear-bashing from myself. As I walked into one field I heard, what I thought to be, a female giggling uncontrollably. I sourced the tent in question and walked briskly over to it. It turns out it was two Polish males, one in the tent and the other was in the process of getting into the tent. I spoke to the latter,

"Excuse me Sir. It's half three in the morning, people are trying to sleep. You have five minutes to get in your tent and be silent. Otherwise you will be leaving the site NOW."

I walked away from the tent and gave them the five minutes I had promised them. Strangely enough, people listen to me when I am being authoritative. Then and only then.

A quick break later and it's time to brush the toilets and replenish the stocks of toilet roll which have been used since the day staff filled them up at 7.30pm the previous evening. In one particular toilet block, someone has taken to locking the doors of the cubicles from the inside and crawling underneath the partition walls. It's never one door at a time though, it's always half a dozen or so. It's happened for the previous two evenings, and it was starting to get annoying. Archie volunteered his services to crawl underneath the partition walls to unlock them.

After that, it was almost time to finish up, open everything back up again, go home and do it all again at night.

A Long Shift

2007-07-22T20:52:00.001+01:00

Normally I don't mind working on a Saturday night, especially when the previous evening was so quiet that only one taxi came back the entire shift. OK, so we had a few taxi's back fairly early on, but the night just seemed to take forever to pass.

Even at eleven o'clock the entire site was peaceful. Except for the crowd of foreign bikers, who had to be told four times by Archie to 'shut up.' It was only when I interjected and gave them my ultimatum, that they decided to call it a night and go to bed.

Two tents could not differentiate between 'off' and 'turned down', which resulted in myself almost confiscating their TVs and radios. Fortunately, they got the picture and went to bed also.

Archie did come up to me at one stage to point out that we had a thief on the site. Sadly though, this was no big-time bank raider, but someone who pitched up close to the serviced pitch and decided to steal electricity. I checked their ticket and found no notes on it to suggest that they had paid the extra for the electric they were stealing. They were still up, which gave me even greater joy in pulling the plug on them. The tent quickly descended into darkness and all went quiet. One of the party came out to see what had happened, only to find me standing at the entrance to his tent with the electric cable in my hand.

"What's happening?"
"You're stealing electricity."
"But we paid for it. . ."
"No. You haven't, have you?"
"I'll pay it at Reception in the morning. Can you plug it back in please?"
"No."
"OK"
"If I come back and this cable has been plugged back into the service board, I'll unplug it again and render the cable warranty void."
"Sorry about that. . ."

I checked on them later and the cable was exactly where I had left it. A report was submitted to Reception in the morning.

About the two males who were causing a disturbance in the previous post, I spoke to Alex and he told me an interesting story about them.

The morning after the incident, Alex had decided to spend an extra hour in bed and when he came in, he checked the new bookings list for the day. Surprise, surprise, the two males had booked in for another night and had gone out for the day. He instructed the day shift to keep an eye out for anyone near the tent in question and if anyone was spotted near it, he was to be informed immediately.

By 9pm, no one had seen anyone near the tent and Alex's suspicious mind was working on overdrive. Then suddenly, a radio call came in from the Day Warden to say that two males matching the description were at the tent. Alex went round to have a quiet word with them and explained to them, in graphic detail, how much he did not want them on his site. They were asked to leave, either by their own mode of transport or in the back of the local Police van.

They took their own car.

It's a Sunday night, they're pretty quiet (touch wood) so I would like to apologise in advance if tomorrow's post doesn't seem all that exciting.

One Eventful Night

2007-07-20T18:11:00.001+01:00

As far as Thursday nights go, last night was pretty hectic. Generally, they're reasonably quite and only the most hardened drinkers go to the pub. The hardened drinkers and those on their holidays.

With both blocks locked down, without any German's obstructing my course for the evening, and the gates firmly clasped shut. I began walking around the site. There were a few people still milling around and the occasional raised voice from under the canvas. All of whom were told to quieten down.

As I walked round the back of one of the blocks, I had been told by Alex that there were two males who had been spoken to on numerous occasions by the day warden and if I had any issues with them, I was to call him out. When I walked towards them, they didn't seem to notice me. With a hi-vis jacket on, it's pretty much impossible to not notice someone. I asked them to turn the music off and reminded them that they shouldn't have it on after eleven o'clock. They apologised and turned it down. Yes, down. . . but not off. As I stood there being talked to by the two males, I was beginning to wish I hadn't, as I knew at that point that I would have to be on the receiving end of an ear-bashing every time I went to speak to them.

After about ten minutes, I made my excuses and left. The site is quite large and there was a crowd in the next field making a noise. When I got into the field, I could tell by the tone of voice that they were teenagers, possibly around the ages of 16-17 and under the influence of alcohol. 99% of the time I am polite and courteous to our noisy patrons, but whenever I have to deal with teenagers, I find that the best solution is to be direct. If they put up an argument, they automatically lose their right to the "three strikes and you're out" rule. It's usually a case of, if I have to come back here again tonight you will be leaving the site.

As the night passed, I wandered around the site and back over to visit the two males again. Surprise, surprise. They hadn't seen me coming and had their music back up at an unacceptable volume. I reminded them again that I had asked them to turn it off. They were being faux-polite and as I walked off, I decided to call Alex out to have words in their ear.

Unfortunately for Alex, he had just got into a relaxing bubble bath, after having a stressful day on the site. Fifteen minutes later, he appeared. I explained the situation to him and told him who the perpetrators were. Needless to say, he wasn't surprised. He walked up to them and had words in their direction (I say this, because I doubt any of those words were being taken in) and told me to keep my eyes and ears on them.

Fast-forward half an hour, and I'm back at the tent. Only this time, they've managed to start a little party of their own with some of the stragglers from the pubs. I walked over and advised the pub-goers to retire to their tents and remain in complete silence until the morning. They were, surprisingly, compliant. I give the two males ten minutes to pack up and head for bed. They agree to this.

Half an hour later, I head round to ensure that they are in bed. When I noticed that they weren't at the bench, I was fairly happy. That was until I realised that they were in their tent, talking louder than ever and they had turned the music back on. Enough is enough. I called Alex out, again, and he was there within five minutes.

Due to the heated debate which took place, including; the two males attempting to fight Alex, Alex giving them one chance to dismantle the tent, Alex starting to dismantle the tent and Alex finally phoning the Police, three seconds before one of the males had decided to call them, but subsequently realised that it wasn't worth it.

I was dispatched to the main gate to escort the Police onto the site, so I missed all (if any) action which took place. The Police turned up and were briefed by myself as to the current events, just as Alex walked round and briefed them a second time confirming every precise point I had made. Alex and one of the officers made their way to the tent, while I waited for the other officer to retrieve a breath kit from the van. Unfortunately, that van didn't come with the optional breath kit, if need be a FIT test would be carried out.

The two males were formally cautioned and after giving the Police the same story I had been given earlier in the evening, told to go in their tent and remain quiet. If the Police were to be called out again, then the two males would be arrested.

For the rest of the evening, the only noise emitting from the tent was the sound of one of the male occupants snoring, unaware that he would be getting a rather rude awakening at eight o'clock and told to leave the park immediately.

From thereon in, it was a very quiet night. Although I have yet to find out if there were any complaints about those males. I'll undoubtedly find out tonight and I'll update the blog tomorrow with my findings.

Exhaust holes

2007-07-19T17:00:00.000+01:00

Another reasonably quiet night on the western front. As I walked around the site to see who had radios/TVs on, who was talking too loudly, etc. I noticed a crowd of people playing poker in the back of a minibus. They were pretty quiet about it, so I let them carry on their game.

There are two blocks on site which are locked down every night, except the toilets, so I thought I would have no problems. I went to the first block and all was quiet, until I got to the showers. I walked into the gents shower room and said the usual:

"Showers are closing in two minutes."

and then checked on the female shower room, which was empty. As I came back out of the female shower room, I met a male coming out of the showers,

"I think I'll be a bit longer than two minutes!"

So I pointed him in the direction of the adjacent toilet block which has a shower in it. I then went back in and one of the cubicles was still locked.

"Shower's closed."

No response. I could hear discreet shuffling behind the door, so I knew that there was someone in there. I gave them the benefit of the doubt and thought that they were getting dressed. I waited two minutes, outside the shower room to stop anyone else from entering. I went back in to check that all was OK. It was at that point that I heard that the shower had been switched on. I knocked on the cubicle door,

"Shower's are closed now mate."
"Sorry?" came the reply.
"I said, the showers are closed now mate."
"I'll be two minutes."

I let out a fairly audible sigh and walked outside. After two minutes, I checked on the guy again. No sound of water running, a good sign there. So as I stood there waiting (bearing in mind that there is still another block to lock up and the main gate to close, two vehicles (although possibly more) had come onto the site while I was waiting) I was running behind schedule by this point and when I am, I am not a happy camper. The male then decided that, instead of going next door to the toilets to brush his teeth, he would do it in the sink in the shower room instead. Eventually, he left.

"Thank you, goodnight."

I could tell by his accentuated tone that he was either of Dutch or German origin. I'm more inclined to say the latter, as most Dutch people I've met, so far, are very co-operative and friendly.

My next task was to close the gate, which I did and no more vehicles arrived back the entire night, with the exception of taxi's bringing the drunkards back from their watering holes.

I then walked briskly over to the second block and locked it up, and again someone had decided to take advantage of the fact that the showers, which should have been locked at eleven o'clock, were still open, so I had to wait for them. The only difference was, it was a female this time who was genuinely apologetic (and rather attractive too).

As I came out of the block, I walked around looking for noisy patrons. I couldn't find any. I think during the course of the night, I spoke to one male in a tent. I was warned by Alex that there was a group of approximately six persons, who were arrogant and lippy with him the previous evening. If I had any problem with them, I was to call him straight away and he'd personally remove them from the park. One of them had exceptionally long hair, and Alex informed me that he'd take great pleasure in dragging him from his tent to the main gate by it. I guess they must have been very lippy to him the previous evening.

As the gates don't open until six, I wasn't surprised to hear a vehicle, with an exhaust which would put the eruption of Mount Etna to shame, driving through the stillness of the park. I managed to stop the vehicle outside the reception and informed the female driver that she had another half hour or so before the gates opened. Normally, when I have to stop an early departure, I'm usually given a mouthful of abuse and expletives. This time was very different. She apologised and agreed to park up and wait for the gates to open. The sound which came from seventeen year-old Renault, would have undoubtedly awoken patrons in the vicinity of it as she drove slowly through the site.

I had to report it, simply because that if there were any complaints about noise disruption at 0530am, then there would have been a reason for it. It also saves Alex arguing with unhappy people telling them that they're talking a load of rubbish.

At 0600hours, I opened the gate and wished the driver good luck with her journey, I figured she'd need it. After she had pulled onto the main road, I could hear the 17 year-old Renault struggling as she changed gear. As I stood there, I wondered how long it would be before I would see the owner again, this time asking to use the telephone as her motor home had broken down. Thankfully though, I didn't see her again for the remainder of my shift and I didn't pass her on the journey homeward to my bed.

Apart from that, it was a very quiet night despite the site being fairly busy.

Car Radios and Outdated Tickets. . .

2007-07-16T15:05:00.000+01:00

. . . are enough to warrant reports.

Another quiet night on the park. Alex got a full night's sleep for once and everything went well. Mr TV-man (from the previous post) was very compliant and had his TV off before we could ask him to turn it off. He also left his sat-nav system switched on (plugged into the cigarette lighter) all night. . . Karma, anyone?

Nothing unusual, apart from a group of teens drinking bourbon and lager until the small hours. They went to bed just shy of their fourth strike warning. As I'm off tonight, and they are staying until Tuesday, I can only assume that Archie will be submitting a report and a "De-book" request with their name on it tonight.

I had one Vauxhall Vectra, whose car radio kept switching itself on at random intervals throughout the night. I can only guess that there is a fault somewhere with Vectra's. Although I guess it could be that the owner left the "traffic" button on and every time a traffic report was due it switched itself on. Just a thought about that.

A family from Glasgow, also in the same field as the Vectra, were making a lot of noise until the small hours. Although Archie was reluctant to write a report about them, at first light he spotted that their displayed ticket was outdated. I managed to convince him that that would warrant a report on it's own.

It has to be said that my reports were far less interesting than usual. Aside from the random Vauxhall radio system, I reported a handful of cars for parking on the grass. I was in that kind of mood, partly because I was doing my job with astute vigour or maybe due to the fact that I was off today and had a bit of a maverick moment.

Aside from all the fun and games on the park, I was speaking to a Police friend of mine who let me know that this guy, had a report submitted to the courts. Even though the case probably won't call against him (ie. he'll plead guilty and justice will be served.) I've to expect the usual court documents to pop through my letterbox soon. I've noticed that, especially in this town, the Police don't hand deliver court summons to witnesses anymore, they are sent out in the post. Anyone know why this is?

Angry & abusive

2007-07-15T14:38:00.000+01:00

A fairly quiet trades fair weekend by all accounts, apart from one tent who were persistent in making a noise. Much to the displeasure of their neighbours.

Only a handful of taxis returned from town, even at that they were fairly early on to cause much of a disturbance. There was one tent who I spoke to on two occasions and Archie, also on two occasions. The way I like to run the park is on a three strike rule. If I have to come to you three times within an hour, then I'll be submitting a report requesting a "De-book." Basically, that means if you want to stay in our company again then it's too bad. I've already suggested that you don't have the option to re-book back into our system. If I have to return to your tent/caravan/motor home a fourth (or more) time, then I'll be dragging Alex out of bed to have a quiet word in your ear.

That's exactly what I had to do for one particular tent last night. I spoke to the occupants twice and so did Archie. Only, the second time he spoke to them he got a mouthful of abuse from an inebriated male within the tent. Working as a team, I told him to give them ten to fifteen minutes to quieten down before returning to the tent.

After the fifteen minutes were up, we both approached the tent and the gentleman was still talking loudly. This already merits a report and I could tell by the tone of conversation, and the fresh can of lager being opened, that the occupants weren't planning on going to bed anytime soon. I called Alex, who had just went to bed and dozed off, to come out and have a quiet word in their ear.

Sadly, I was speaking to some punters at the entrance before making my way to the pitch. I'd missed all the action. But apparently, they weren't happy about the situation. They'd already been spoken to by reception regarding the noise that day.

Mr. TV-Man

Now, I'm no spoiler-of-fun, but when the rules clearly state that you can't operate TVs or radios within the quiet period, and you blatantly do so. Then you're just going to have me coming back to you repeatedly during the night.

This male was camped up on an electric pitch, so he had the comforts of home whilst away. The prior two evenings I had spoken to this gent about the level of noise emitting from his TV and asked him to turn it off. He didn't, he merely turned the volume down and kept it very low until he went to bed. I was happy with this, as I knew he wasn't going to be any hassle. However, when Archie told him to switch it off, the gent became angry.

"*hushed tone* Excuse me, Sir. Can you turn the television off please?"
"*nigh-on shouting* I'm just watching 'Happy Hour', I'll turn it down when it's finished."

By this point I was almost in stitches, so I walked off to continue my route around the park.

As far as I am aware, Mr TV-man wasn't best pleased and Archie had to return to his abode on several occasions to ask him to turn the TV down. By the end of the night, it had sufficient strikes to merit a report. Mr TV-man wasn't happy and said that he'd be speaking to reception and that he had "a lot of contacts on the Internet" and that "he'd make sure the park got a bad reputation." Yes, another set of false-fronted accusations. None of which will ever come to light.

Caught red-handed

2007-07-07T18:37:00.000+01:00

Thursday nights aren't generally known to be all that busy, although in the pub/club trade, that's when the weekend starts. I'd already done the lock down and closed the gates. As I was heading back up the driveway, I heard loud drunken singing in the near distance. Unfortunately it was outwith the park at the time, so I couldn't do anything, except pray that they were heading to town and not onto the site.

Ten minutes later, I saw figures moving at the bottom of the first field and knew straight away that it had to be the drunken singers. I made my way down the field and saw the three figures walking to the corner. Nothing unusual there, I thought, as there was a van parked up in that corner. It was only when I got closer to the bottom of the field that the three persons, noisily, made their way over the hedge. Something is going on here. So I decided to walk back up and round to see where they disappeared off to. I came out the bottom of the driveway and saw no one. I walked round the front of the park and back in via the ped. entrance.

I'd seen the three coming out the toilet block, so I decided to go over and have a look to see if there was any damage. Surprise, surprise. There was. Just as I was in the doorway of the female toilets, I heard someone coming out of the next door. I waited about five seconds before going to investigate.

Tents are not permitted in this field, so when I saw the young male going into the two tents opposite the toilet block I knew something wasn't right. I walked over and had a quick look round them. Just as I suspected. No ticket.

It was at that point Alex radioed me for the nightly report. I explained the two tents without tickets and was advised if they weren't going to quieten down, then call him back. I took my own insight into the current situation and decided that I wasn't having these people on my park and asked them to leave.

All I can say about what happened next is down to karma. As soon as the three came out of their tents and started to "pack away"* the tents, the heavens opened and down came the rain. I was positively beaming on the inside, but managed to keep my serious face on for the duration. I was quite happy to stand there making sure that they "packed away"* their tent and left the park. Needless to say, they weren't. All three were drunk and not one of them were over the legal age. Eventually, they had packed their tent and were heading out. Not before one of the party had kicked the fence in on the way out.

At that point Alex radioed me for an update.

"How are they? Have they settled down yet?"
"No. I decided that they weren't going to, so I asked them to leave."
"OK, we don't need people like that on the park anyway. Did they leave quietly?"
"No. They made a lot of noise and one of them kicked the fence in on the way out."
"They damaged the fence?"
"Affirmative."
"I'll be down in a couple of minutes."

So I made my way back to reception to wait for Alex, when I realised that the ejected party hadn't really gone too far. They were standing at the bottom of the driveway.

A couple of minutes passed and Alex arrived on site to see the damage caused. Needless to say, he wasn't best pleased that some young ruffians had been kicking the proverbial out of his fence.
"Did you see them do this?"
"Yes."
"Excellent. We can get them charged for criminal damage."

Alex made a quick call to the local Police station and we both headed back out to the gate. The offenders were still on scene.

"I'm the Park Manager. I believe you've caused damage to my property?"
"What?"
"You kicked the fence in, there are witnesses to the event."
"What? One guy against us three?"
"No, there are some guests who have come forward as well."
"Oh. . . right. . . um. . ."

At that point, a taxi pulled up. Obviously the deviants were wanting to make a quick getaway. Sadly though, it wasn't to be. As the taxi driver didn't want them bringing a large, heavy and very wet tent into his taxi.

Then the Police pulled up and off they ran. I went back into the first field to make sure they didn't try and get back onto the site while Alex spoke to the Police. They didn't try and get back on site, but the Police did a quick search for them and couldn't find them.

So it was then the long, drawn out process of giving a statement to the Police. Sadly though, for one of the offenders, I went to school with his brother. So I was able to give the Police not only his name, but his address also.

As Alex finished his statement, a large taxi went past empty and two minutes later, it was seen leaving with people in it. After a bit of convincing from Alex to the Police Officer, they managed to radio to their colleagues and get the vehicle stopped.

Then the news came back that the taxi had been successfully stopped, but it was empty. So they asked the driver where he had dropped his fare. He told them and the Police drove round there and found the offenders, minus the tent, nearby.

I've had to watch what I say in this post, as it's now a legal matter as the case will be taken to court, etc.

* - When I say "take down." All they did was remove the support poles from the tent and throw them inside the tent. Then proceed to lift the entire tent and contents like a body-bag.

Just your average Saturday Night...

2007-06-25T23:11:00.000+01:00

Friday wasn't so bad, the usual revellers drunkenly making their way back from the town onto the park. Saturday's are generally busier as a rule. The pubs are open later, most people are departing the site on the Sunday anyway, so they don't really care that they're making too much noise under their own canvas. On a still night, you can hear people laughing in the next field, which does warrant a complaint. Anyone who complains, gets a refund.

I walked round the park with Archie, the other night warden who covers my nights off and also the weekends which tend to be busier, making a note of who is where and how much noise they're making. You'll get the occasional tent which you can hear saying "Shh!" pretty much as soon as they see the fluorescent jacket making it's way around the field. Always makes me smile, because no matter what field you're in, there is always a way to sneak up on a certain area without the occupants noticing you and giving it the "Shh!" routine.

At eleven o'clock, it's time to shut off the showers and laundry facilities in the two main parks and lock the main entrance gate. Once that has been done, it's time to wander the fields establishing the silence policy, which is rigorously enforced throughout the park. When all is calm, you can hear any approaching vehicles which may try to get into the park.

At 11.30pm, someone did just that. Now, there's a sign on the main gate asking patrons to park up and walk quietly to their accommodation. But sometimes people, in a fit of madness or sheer stupidity, momentarily forget how to read. This was the case on Saturday, when a Transit minibus driver decided to open the locked gates and drive through. Luckily, I spotted him before he managed to trundle his way loudly through the peaceful park. I stopped him and asked him to back up and park outside the reception. He maintained that he was "only going up there" and asked if he could carry on. I informed the driver that the gates were closed for a reason and there are signs up which clearly state that if the gates are locked, it's time to park up and walk to your tent/caravan/motor-home. After a short debate, he reluctantly decided to reverse the six foot (with my guidance, which he asked for then subsequently took no notice of.) and park in the bay at reception. Later on, after they had all trooped up to their accommodation, Archie went up to ask them to quieten down, he was told to "fuck off."

As the night drew towards 3am and most of the revellers were all partied out and fast asleep under their canvasses, Archie was having problems with some people who decided it wasn't the best time to quieten down and go to sleep. They showed this by having a loud discussion in their tent, which could be heard from the car park. As I was based at the front part of the park, awaiting any stragglers which may appear out of the darkness, I was radioed to attend at the loud discussion. One of the two had came out of the tent and was arguing with Archie. Although it was interesting to watch, there was a serious point here. This man could potentially become violent in a matter of seconds. I've done the training, and I know the key signs which were blatantly obvious to me. I told Archie to give the guy ten minutes to calm down and then we'd both go back and check on them.

Ten minutes, and one cup of coffee consumed, had passed. It was now time to head back up to the park to ensure that they had quietened down. Lo and behold. . . they hadn't. Archie went to ask them to quieten down, which they took no notice of. So it was time to call Alex out of his bed to deal with them.

Sadly, I can't say what happened as that would be giving away trade secrets on how to deal with drunken punters who refuse to shut up. After the punters were given six chances to quieten down and go to sleep, they eventually did. It was either that or be arrested for breach of the peace.

After that, the night was very quiet. I even spoke to a lovely couple who were spending two weeks in our company with their caravan and golden retriever.

The first post.

2007-06-25T23:09:00.000+01:00

OK, it's the excitement of a new blog which has been thrust upon the unwitting public. I'll explain things later and get on with writing the first proper post now. Enjoy it, don't take things too seriously as it could be you that I'm writing about.