My Sexy Legs.

There have been several changes on the park since last year, some of which are more noticeable than others. The more evident of these changes are the fact that the Park Manager, Alex, has left for pastures new and that the 'Silence Policy' is no longer enforceable. It is now my task to ensure the park is quiet, without using forceful tactics (ie. "Shut up, or you're leaving.") Despite these radical changes, I've decided that I shall be carrying my 'trusty steed' with me every night, should things turn ugly.

Not long after my return to the park this year, I was faced with a situation which sparked me to return to this blog. Something I thought I wouldn't be doing for a long while, but due to the high levels of madness I observe on the site, on an almost nightly basis, some things are too good to be kept to oneself.

Whilst walking through the sparsely populated tent field, I heard a lot of shouting coming from the direction of the Reception area. As it was after midnight, I decided to wander over and tell them to argue quietly. As I was walking over to that area, I saw a female staggering around amongst the trees and a male on the roadside. Whether they were playing a late-night version of 'Hide and go seek' is unclear, but they were shouting to each other, despite being only several feet away from each other. I shone my torch on the female, who was in a squatting position (thankfully she was just squatting), and I managed to count to ten seconds before she turned around. As I made my way over to her, she stood upright again. She obviously missed the episode of 'Ray Mears - Extreme Survival' when Ray dons a leopard-skin dress and heels to hide in the bushes of a campsite and warned the audience "DON'T try this at home." She clocked the bright yellow jacket and immediately spewed forth a tirade of verbal diarrhoea in a thick Mancunian accent. I tried to comprehend what she was saying, whilst walking back through the bushes to the male, but it was completely pointless. The only thing I could make out was "My legs, my sexy legs!" It was then I looked down and noticed that she had managed to scratch her legs quite badly after walking through a bush somewhere and they were bleeding a little.

The argument continued, with the male looking very sorry for himself and apologising for the amount of noise which was coming from the leggy leopard. I asked them both to quieten down as much as possible before heading off. As I left the shouting match behind, I walked towards Reception, only to be met by a vehicle driving towards me. I stood in the middle of the road to stop the car, only for the driver to swerve to one side, quickly followed by a sidestep from me to bring the vehicle to a sharp halt, inches from my shins. I walked over and questioned why the driver was moving his car around at this late hour, when he spoke I could smell the sickly sweet smell of alcopops on his breath, he told me he was moving his car next to his tent. I politely reminded him that he wasn't and to reverse back a few yards and park his car where it had sat all night. A mini-protest followed, and I shortly discovered why, but he reluctantly reversed his car at an angle, almost hitting one of the park vehicles, before turning the wheel sharply and reversing his rear wheel onto the grass. I could tell from the angle of his driving that he was on the grass and at each corner of that patch of grass, there are large rocks. It came as no surprise when I heard a loud crunching sound. He drove off rather quickly after that. When I looked at the car in the light of day, there was a nice dent in the wheel-arch where his shiny new car had met the large rock.

Ten minutes later, the shouting had recommenced, so I made my way over to the couple. The female was laying on a sun-lounger, with her "wounds" being tended to by a passing nurse. I arrived, torch in hand, to shed some light onto the situation. Even though the nurse was struggling to put the bandages on the mouthy Mancunian's legs, due to the female still verbally abusing her partner, I think she did a sterling job. After the nurse had left and the male, who was looking more sheepish by the second, had regained as much of his manhood as he could muster despite being called every name under the sun, I asked the couple to split for the evening and keep quiet. It was my understanding that the female would sleep in the tent and the male in his car.

I managed a complete lap of the park, partly because I had overlooked it for so long and partly as a lap of victory. However, it wasn't long before the male had found his way back to the tent and was in the process of being beaten by the young female, that I decided to call out the manager. I went over and tried to calm them down, the female then resorted to calling her partner a paedophile and that he should go back to his wife, to whom he has several children with. It was in the process of this argument, that I learned that the male was in his 40's and it was the females 18th birthday, although they have been together for two years. Just as I, and the rest of the tents in the vicinity, were about to get their entire life stories a powerful beam of light interrupted cut through the argument and the bearer of the high powered torch homed in on the female.

"Right, folks, you seem to be causing some disturbance. I'd advise you to shut up now."
"Wha', 'oo do you fink you is?"
"I'm the boss."

Not quite the approach Alex would have had, but I'd give his performance an eight out of ten for effort. After a lengthy debate, which involved 'the boss' driving the young female to the other side of the park to try and prevent her from causing another uproar and a severe talking-to to the sheepish male, quietness reigned upon the park once again.

Not ten minutes had passed when I met the male at the toilet block, who informed me that the female had calmed down and was now fast asleep in the 'warmth' of the tent. I told the male that it was fine by me, but if they started arguing again . . .

"...we'll be thrown off the park, yeah, I know. Sorry."

For the rest of the night they were quiet and even though they were due to stay with us for a few nights, the male went into Reception the next morning and apologised for the disturbance he and his partner had caused. He was looking forward to his few days away from home, but all he was leaving with was his ex-partner and a deep sense of utter embarrassment.

Still, it's nice to see that everything is normal on the site this year.

Sorry for the delay . . .

Well, after several months in hiatus, I've decided to restart this blog. You're probably all wondering why I stopped blogging in the first place. Well, there's a simple reason and a complex reason behind it. I think, for the purposes of this post, I'll explain the simple reason.

Last year there were several events around the time of my last post, which I can't go into, which could have given away my location and such. I decided rather than blogging about them, that I would stop for a while. I didn't intend to stop blogging completely, but after a while I became involved in other projects outside of work and I never got around to blogging again. Now that those projects have been put firmly on the back-burner for the time being, it is in my intentions to restart this blog again. This all depends on whether the past readers of the blog want it to continue or not. So leave comments and let me know if I should continue with my work or whether the blog should be fenced off for pitch regeneration works forever.

I have a few posts I have lined up to get back into the swing of things, but it would be pointless to post them if nobody is going to read them.