The Park is now Closed.

Well, that's another season over. The park is now closed for the Winter and I'm no longer required. I shall be back next season though. It was a fairly quiet season, according to Alex.

I have found another job, which I'll be blogging about, and you can see all that here:

Faulty Towers

Until next season, farewell my loyal readers!

I'm a Night Warden NOT a Childminder

Well, last night was exceptional compared the previous few nights. Things happened and lots of them! So much so, that I didn't once think, "Hey, I could blog about this" instead I was thinking more along the lines of, "Why me?"

Alex radioed in fairly early into the shift and told me all I needed to know, including the fact he had been given his assurances by the group I spoke to last night that they wouldn't make any noise whatsoever (they stuck to their word) and the park was slightly busier.

I walked around the site checking on who I thought was going to cause problems. There was a few. As I was walking towards one of the toilet blocks, I noticed a light high up in the tree and a teenage male standing at the bottom. I shone the torch onto the light and saw the outline of a person.

"Right, down from the tree, NOW!"

I then walked over to the large group and asked them to quieten down and also to keep an eye on their children, who were running all over the park.

"How can we quieten down? We're only talking, this is a low as we can talk."

Now, I could hear them from some distance away, so I knew they were lying.

I went back to the task in hand and locked all the buildings up and locked the gate. I heard a vehicle starting up, but presumed it was outwith the park as it was after eleven. As I walked back to the gazebo that was making the noise, I noticed strong lights coming towards one of the entrances to the caravan fields, followed a short while later by a car. The car drove towards me and stopped,

"You've closed the gates, haven't you?"
"Yes. They're closed at eleven."
"Oh, can we get out?"
"Certainly, but you can't get back in again."
"That's fine."

I walked down towards the gates and opened them, the vehicle drove off and the gates were secured once again. While I was at the gates, I noticed two males unloading their car in the car park, so I went to speak to them. They wanted to pitch up for the night, so I happily showed them where to pitch and the general rules of the site. They were happy with this and I bid them 'good night'.

I then went up to one of the tent fields and noticed two young females cycling around between the tents without lights on. So I stopped them and told them to head back to their tent/caravan immediately.

I then went around checking the toilets, and came to one block and all the doors were closed. So, I had to open all the doors and check the toilets for damage, etc. I was about to go into the female toilets, when the same young girl I spoke to for cycling around with no lights on, popped her head out the door and quickly back in again. So I went up to the door, opened it and told them to head to their tent/caravan.

As I exited the toilet block, I heard a banging metallic noise coming from the closed reserved field. I know that it's currently closed, because the day staff are digging up pipes and replacing them. I walked over to the field and found the two tree-climbers playing around near the JCB. Again, I sent them to their tent/caravan. Which, luckily for me, was in the same direction as I was heading, so I knew where they were pitched for my report to Alex in the morning.

I then walked into one of the tent fields and noticed the three young females loitering behind the toilet block, so I went over to speak to them again. They obviously noticed the fluorescent jacket and scarpered. I walked around the front of the building and noticed the same girl poking her head around the side of the building, then quickly disappearing again. I went into the female toilets, via the staff entrance, and told them again to go back to their tent/caravan.

I followed them, at a distance, and found them loitering at the edge of the park on the footpath which most dog-walkers use. I decided that they had been told enough times and left them to it.

I went back to the children's parents and told them to quieten down or the manager would be called out. The party had halved since I last spoke to them, and it appeared it was only the sensible ones left. They apologised and did quieten down.

I heard a car pulling up at the gate, so I went to investigate. It was another two people wanting to book in for the night, so I put them next to the other two late arrivals.

It was at this point I noticed a motorhome parked at the gate, so I went down to speak to them. It was a large group of Germans, who seemed generally quite pleasant, so I pointed them in the direction of the public car park and told them to come back when the park opened in the morning. They thanked me, piled into the motorhome and left.

I walked around the park and back to the gate when I heard a vehicle pull in. As I walked down, I noticed a male urinating against the hedge. So when I spoke to them, I asked if they had booked in to which they replied with a negative. So I asked the urinator not to urinate against the hedge and sent them to join the Germans for the evening.

A short while later, a taxi pulled up and two males got out and immediately started talking loudly. So I asked them to quieten down and followed them, at a distance, to their tent. When I got there, I noticed both males urinating against the hedge. I pointed out the toilets/silence policy/car park (they had parked on the grass) and they went into their tent.

Ten minutes later, I heard loud voices from quite some distance away, so I hot-footed it up to the two males and asked them to quieten down or leave. Because they arrived late, they hadn't yet paid so if they continued to make a noise, Alex wouldn't hesitate to evict them from the site.

A quick lunch break, which was cut short when I heard a vehicle pull in just before four.

I spoke to them and asked them to quieten down, they seemed OK, so I left them to it.

I then went to tidy up the toilet blocks, I managed one and was en route to the second when I heard the three males, who had just arrived back, talking loudly. I went over and spoke to them;

"Right, it's half four in the morning, I suggest you go to bed now."
"OK, we will."

Then one of them said something (I can't recall offhand what it was, but it was facetious) so I replied with;

"Do you want to pack up and leave now?"
"No, no, he's just joking."
"Well, I'm not."

I waited around outside the tent for about five minutes before leaving them to it.

I then went to the third toilet block to tidy up. All was well until I entered the showers. I was sweeping the female showers and they were fairly clean, until I opened one door and made a shocking discovery. Someone couldn't hold it in and decided to defecate on the shower floor. In the female showers.

I went to get the hose, which is kept for this type of job, to wash it down the drains. Now, for those of you who don't know, once fecal matter has been disturbed by an external force, the smell comes out. And what a smell that was. Even now, as I type this blog, the smell is caught in the back of my throat. I cleaned it to the best of my abilities, with the resources available, and locked the shower cubicle.

I opened everything back up again and went for a long coffee break.

Hopefully tonight won't hold any surprises for me.

Children vs. Parents

First of all, a bit of good news. The occupants of the late arriving motorhome last night decided not to check into the site today, so all fears of being brutally murdered or "flattened" were put to rest early on in the shift.

The park is slightly busier than last night, but then again it's the weekend and it generally gets busier then. I spoke to one group at five past eleven and told them of the silence policy, they apologised and quietened down fairly quickly.

I returned to the tent, some twenty minutes later and asked them again to quieten down. It was at this point I noticed their tent was put up in a very hap-hazard way. It looked as though, if you pulled one of the guy-ropes out of the ground, the whole tent would come crashing down. I daren't get too close, just in case the wind picks up and I am blamed for destroying their tent.

I walked around the park and spoke to a few other tents about the level of noise, they all quietened down fairly quickly, so I went back to check on the one group who were causing problems.

As I approached the tent, I heard one of the children trying to reason with their parents in getting them to quieten down;

"What if they do chuck us out? Where will we stay?"
"SSH! They can't chuck us off, we've paid to stay here."

Incorrect answer, ma'am. Although it hasn't happened when I have been on duty, Alex has been known to kick disruptive guests off the park at three in the morning before. Regardless of whether you have paid or not, there are other people around you who have also paid and are trying to sleep.

It was at this point I interjected in their conversation and told them to quieten down immediately otherwise the manager would be called and they may be asked to pack up and leave the park. I had to smile when I heard the same child whisper the following;

"See? I told you so."

After that, I didn't speak to them again. Yet I still had to submit a report because I had spoken to them on three occasions.

The rest of the night passed by fairly quickly with nothing else to report. The season is slowly grinding to a halt.

Flattened

No, I haven't died or given up on this blog, it's just been rather quiet lately on the site so there has been a serious lack of posts.

It was a fairly quiet Wednesday night on the site, with nothing untoward happening. At around four in the morning, I noticed a large white object parked at the gate, so I decided to go and investigate.

I made my way down to the gate, there was a motorhome parked up in the car park. I checked the gate when I came out of the office after my break, so I knew that the occupants had only arrived within the last half hour or so, so the chances of them being asleep were slim.

When I approached the motorhome, all the curtains were closed and it appeared that they were asleep. I walked around the vehicle to get an accurate description as possible for the report. I checked all the windows and the dashboard for a site ticket (they could have already booked in, but went out for the day and came back late. That's the problem with motorhomes), but I couldn't find one. So I had to knock on the door. The voice from within came quickly, so I knew the occupants were still awake.

"Hello?"
"Night Warden, could you open the door please."

A long wait later the door swung open, almost taking me out in the process, and a large male stood there, glaring down at me.

"Are you a resident here?"
"No, we're booking in tomorrow, but we're spending the night here until reception opens."
"I'm sorry, Sir, this is a private car park, you're going to have to go to the public car park about half a mile down the road."

Now the male wasn't very impressed with my tone of voice/colour of jacket/eyebrows or something, because he then said something which threw me completely.

"Hang on, you're the one who came banging on my door at four in the morning and told us to move. Speak to me like that again and I'll come out there and flatten you."

Well, if he wants to resort to violence, that's fair enough. At least he'll have somewhere to stay for the night. I told him that I wasn't going to argue with him and walked off. As I made my way back to the gate, I could hear him talking to someone inside the motorhome about how annoyed he was.

To stop him booking in, all I needed was his vehicle registration number, but I couldn't get it. The reason? He was hanging around outside the vehicle intentionally so I couldn't get those details. It's just as well I have a good memory and managed to remember quite a number of specific details relating to the vehicle. All of which were put into the report for Alex in the morning.

A short while later, the motorhome drove out of the car park and down the road. Only time will tell if he tries to book in in the morning.

Perseverance Pays Off

After several days of making cups of coffee in the world's oldest microwave and an unhygienic pot, the powers that be have seen it fit to purchase a new kettle. Well, when I say "purchase", it does look remarkably similar to the old one, albeit slightly cleaner. I had actually missed using a kettle in the office over the course of the past few days, so I was slightly wary of it when I switched it on first. When it boiled, I must confess, I did let out a small cry of delight that normal service was resumed.

It's just as well the kettle had been replaced, as the site was very quiet last night and only one taxi came back. At twenty past eleven. Unfortunately for me, however, they were very quiet and went straight to bed. Which left me wandering, aimlessly, around the site for a few hours. I was sorely tempted to sit in the office and boil the kettle repeatedly just for the want of something to do. Besides, there are only a limited amount of times you can read the newspaper. Even at that, I think I overdid it slightly after the fortieth time.

By around one o'clock, I was starting to get bored. I'd walked around the site several times, read the newspaper countless times, read a well known catalogue-shop's catalogue from cover to cover, as well as reading everything in the office. You'll never appreciate how quiet some nights can be until you find yourself reading the user manual for a petrol chainsaw at four in the morning. Although I did notice something written on the cover of a manual for a petrol strimmer. Someone, at some point, had written the date of purchase on the cover (25th June 1996) and written in the bottom right hand corner of the booklet, "Stolen: 19th Sept. 1996"

One other point I read. In the "staff handbook" circa. mid 90's it states: "The 'office' is used by both genders (if you are unsure what this means, ask the warden)" Did they really employ someone who was so dense they had to write that into the staff handbook? I guess I'll never know.

Aggressive Behaviour

As I pulled into work last night, I noticed the familiar outline of Alex's car sitting outside reception. I thought it was rather strange that he was still there at that time of night, unless something serious had happened.

It turns out that all was well on the site and he had merely come down to speak to me about the reports I had left in the office for him that morning. The group concerned, weren't happy that I was asking them to quieten down, so Alex explained the silence policy to them but they already knew about it. It turns out that they are friends of the owner and weren't happy that they were spoken to in such an aggressive manner the previous evening.

I explained to Alex that I only become aggressive when needs must. Usually after the fourth or fifth time telling someone to shut up and go to bed. I doubt anything will come of it, as they were due to leave today anyway.

There is still no kettle in the office, which has seen me making cups of coffee using the microwave. At least it's slightly cleaner than the pots. Incidentally, someone has cleaned the frying pan. It's a vast improvement, but they neglected to clean the two ring stove which is used. It is still caked with grease.

It was very quiet last night, and long may it continue, as the end of the season is very soon. Which leaves me with one issue. Do I continue the blog until next season rolls around or do I close the doors on it until then? I mean, I have another job lined up which could be fruitful in the way of blog postings. This is where the readers of this blog come into play, let me know what you think I should do in the comments section.

Back to Basics

Things have taken a turn for the worse on the site. If it wasn't for those meddling day staff, then I wouldn't find myself boiling a pan of water for my coffee. The day staff, somehow, managed to kill the kettle and every time it's switched on, it trips all the sockets in the office. It's not the fact that I have had to go back to basics and make my coffee with a pan of water, boiled on the tiny two ring hob for the past two nights.

It's the fact that the pan is filthy and cannot be cleaned (believe me, I have tried) and it's the cleanest (and less encrusted with years of caked in food) out of the three pans available. It's the fact that the two ring hob is tarnished with layers of grime, fat and used cooking oil and that every time you switch it on, the room fills with smoke (pretty much like it was in pubs before the smoking ban came into force). I'm not even going to mention the frying pan, which is used daily by a member of the day shift for his fry-ups.

So, for the past two nights I've not drank as much coffee as I usually do, which has resulted in me being slightly tired and more grouchy to the punters than normal.

Last night was the perfect example of this behaviour.

After I had locked all the buildings and had a quick walk around the park, I made my way back to reception to ensure that all late-comers were aware of the silence policy. I heard a lot of noise, from what I thought was one of the caravan fields, so I went to take a look. The only sign of a disturbance was on the main road, by a large group of people. Well, that's what it sounded like. I made my way back to reception and waited. As soon as I noticed the torches, I did my best to will them past the park and down the road. Karma wasn't with me tonight, as the torches turned sharply and started making their way up the drive. I could hear them quite clearly from some distance away, so I made my way down to tell them to quieten down. As soon as they spotted the fluorescent jacket, they started to do what every drunk person does. They started to make the "ssh" noise. Now, when one or two people do it, that's acceptable and fairly quiet. When half a dozen people, as in this case, it sounds like a gigantic wave coming towards a beach full of shingle and crashing loudly onto it. I thought I was drowning, but I quickly put that down to a lack of coffee and went to speak to them. They assured me that they would be quiet, but I knew that they wouldn't.

I followed them, at a distance, and found where they were pitched. I asked them, again, to quieten down and head to their beds as people were asleep and they were disturbing them. I was told by one of the males that they were going to have a cup of tea and then go to bed. Fair enough, I thought, so I left them to it.

Approximately half an hour later I went back to check on them. They were still very loud, although they were inside the tent, so I asked them to quieten down. One of the females took an instant dislike to being asked to be quiet and demonstrated this by blaspheming loudly.

By this point, I was on the verge of calling Alex and asking him to have a word, but I was distracted by another tent who had decided to talk loudly. I went over to them to speak to them, they apologised and quietened down. I then returned to the boisterous tent.

I stood next to the tent, like a crouching cat ready to pounce upon it's prey, when all of a sudden one of the female occupants decided to let her friends, and all those within earshot, her new ringtone. Well, several ringtones to be precise. I walked over to the tent and announced in a firm tone that they had two minutes to be completely silent otherwise the manager would be called and they would be evicted from the site, followed by, "Is that understood?" A simple yes or no answer is all that is required here, but I was greeted with a deathly silence.

I then stood back from the tent to await the outcome. And what an outcome it was.

"I can't believe that guy just said that."
"I know. If that security guard says anything else, I'm going out there to give him a piece of my mind."
"What's the deal with the quietness anyway? God."

Normally, at this point, I like to jump in with a scintillating remark. I decided not to on this occasion.

When I returned half an hour later, the group had decided to call it a night and were asleep. Which gave me the perfect opportunity to note down the details for the report. Unfortunately, they are staying until Sunday, which means I may have to put up with them again tonight, depending on Alex's thoughts once he has read the report.

I'd like to apologise for the appalling grammatical errors in this post, I've not been to bed yet.

I'm a racist (allegedly)

Last night was a bit of a strange one, if I'll be honest.

After I had locked everything down for the night, I went to ask a small group of males to quieten down. They apologised and explained that they weren't aware of the silence policy, so I enlightened them. A while later, I returned to the same group and asked them to quieten down again. They apologised and I left them to it.

At around one o'clock, I had to ask the same group (although half of them had gone to bed and there were only two males left) to quieten down. I explained the silence policy to them for a second time and explained that it was in the copy of the site rules they were given when they checked in. They informed me that they hadn't been given a copy (a lie, because everyone is given a copy and we never run out of them for that reason.) I also explained that the silence policy was explained on their ticket and also on noticeboards which are attached to the walls of all buildings on the site.

One of the males didn't believe me, so I took great pleasure in accompanying him to his tent and pointing out the silence policy, which is written in bold black lettering on the ticket, at this point he called me a racist and asked to see the manager. I asked him how he came to the conclusion that I was a racist (which I'm not) and he explained it to me;

"I think you're being racist towards us."
"Why do you think that, Sir?"
"Well there are other people making a noise on the site and you are deliberately hassling us because you're racist towards us."
"I can assure you, Sir, that no one else is making a noise on the site and the only reason why I am asking you to quieten down is because you are the only people making any noise."
"Well, I want you to bring the manager round. You are being racist towards us and I want to make a complaint."
"Sir, with all due respect, the manager has worked a fourteen hour shift. If you have any complaints, then you can speak to him at reception in the morning."
"I want to speak to the manager now. You're being racist."
"I'm not going to argue with you, Sir."

I had to speak to them twice after this incident, and I was on the verge of calling Alex out, but decided against it. If they are serious about making a complaint, then they will do so in the morning. Preferably when they have sobered up a bit.

When I mentioned this incident to Alex during the morning handover, he laughed and said that if they did make a complaint, he'd tell them where to go. I doubt they would complain. The amount of times I've heard someone say that they are going to complain to the manager in the morning is too numerous to mention. But 9/10 times, they have forgotten about the incident by the morning.

The Bloodbath(room)

No matter how many punters come through the gates during the week, Saturday is always going to be the busiest night. Last night was no exception.

I was doing my usual routine of locking down the buildings and the main gate, when I was approached by two of the Dutch bikers. Since I told them about the silence policy the other night, they have been the quietest bike group I've had on the park for a long time. They had come to tell me that there was blood all over the male toilets near their tents. According to them it was all over the floor, the sinks and the toilet bowls. The way they described it made me think that a murder had taken place in there. I finished the job I was doing, before heading up there.

I was met by the two Dutchmen outside the toilet, before heading inside. It was apparent that the blood had been there for quite some time, perhaps early Saturday morning, as people had gone in to use the facilities and ground the blood into the tiles. Did anyone think to report it before then? No. They waited all day until the night warden came on duty before doing anything about it.

The abattoir-esque conditions which had been described to me were nothing in comparison to the reality of the situation. Still, I had a job to do. I donned a pair of rubber gloves and set about place with some disinfectant. (I left one spot of blood though, to prove that the day staff don't bother cleaning the toilets. If it's still there tonight, I'll know for sure.) After about ten minutes, there wasn't a trace of blood in the bathroom. Back to the office and I scrubbed my hands vigorously with swarfega before heading back out into the wilds of the park.

I was walking through the field nearest the entrance, when I heard a vehicle drive in. I about-turned and made my way to the gate. Just as approached them, I noticed a male attempting to urinate against the gatepost. I pointed out the toilets to him and followed him to ensure that he didn't make the same mistake twice. He didn't. He also walked past three of the four toilet blocks and went to his tent. My guess is that he urinated against the trees behind the tent.

I was about to walk back to the gate when I heard a group of males laughing and talking loudly. As I approached them, they quietened down slightly.

"You are aware that there is a silence policy from eleven o'clock?"
"Hot potatoes, carrots, peas and beef."
"There is a silence policy from eleven o'clock. If I have to come back here again, you will be asked to leave."
"OK, Sir."

That has to be the single most bizarre answer I have been given when asking someone to quieten down. Luckily though, I didn't have to go back to the tent again. But I did report them for the large amount of rubbish, empty cans and bottles, etc. which were lying around outside their tent.

The next two males back from the town were part of the group which included the first urinator. I noticed one of the two males urinating against the hedge and I was on my way to tell him to stop, when I was hijacked by a Leo Sayer-lookalike. He told me his name (which wasn't Leo Sayer, although the resemblance was uncanny) and where his tent was. His friend then caught up with him and I made them both aware of the silence policy and the fact that there are toilets open 24/7, so there really is no need to urinate along the hedgerow.

Then Leo Sayer asked for my name. I asked him for what purposes he needed it and he informed me that he wanted to "write it down later" for an official complaint. I'm not quite sure what the official complaint was, as all I asked them to do was to conform to the park protocol.

They walked off, and I followed them to see where they went. As soon as I realised that they were part of the first urinator's group, I left them to it.

A short while later, another taxi appeared and dropped off another drunken soul onto my peaceful park. This one was on his mobile phone. As he walked past, I realised where he was heading. I knew, because he had decided to phone Leo Sayer and company to let them know he was back. He remained on the phone all the way through the park until he was standing less than ten feet away from Leo Sayer. What would we do without mobile phones?

I gave them their five minutes to quieten down before going to tell them to shut up or leave. It got to around two minutes before the noise levels were breached. I told them to quieten down immediately or they would be leaving. They apologised and did as instructed.

I waited around, near the tent, to ensure the noise levels didn't become too loud. I heard the unzipping of the tent, so I walked round so I could see the entrance of the tent. Nobody emerged from the tent, so I stood there to ensure that no one decided to come out and urinate in the trees. The group descended into complete quietness for about a minute before karma struck.

I heard the sound of liquid hitting the plastic groundsheet and thought that someone had spilled their drink. The sound continued before someone uttered the words;

"Aw man, go piss outside the tent!"

Yes, karma had indeed struck again!

New Links Added

Since the last post about the Dutch Bikers, I've had a few comments and a few new additions to the blog list. So here they are, in no particular order of merit:

• Life On A Roll Of Film - A blog about a supermarket photo counter assistant. Highly entertaining.
• Pizza Hut Team Member - Ever wondered what goes on behind the scenes at Pizza Hut? Well this blog will tell you all you need to know. Well written and enjoyable.

I think that's all. If you feel like adding this blog to your blog roll, then leave me a comment and I'll add you to mine.

Biker Groups

Generally, and it's on the site rules so I know that it's a fact, we don't allow groups of motorcyclists on the park. I don't know how this group managed to sneak on, but they are there.
The previous evening they arrived back at around eleven o'clock and were fairly noisy. I spoke to them and asked them to quieten down and go to their tents. They did and I had no further dealings with them after that.

Last night, however, was a different story all together.

As I made my way around the park, I noticed a few empty cans of lager on a picnic table outside the bikers tents. I thought that they were leaving in the morning and had decided to call it an early night. Oh, how wrong was I.

Just after midnight, a large taxi pulled up and a group spilled out into the car park. I stood at reception to watch what was going on. They were being very disruptive and I was about to go and ask them to quieten down, when another taxi pulled up and offloaded another group. The noise increased ten-fold. That was enough to warrant the first interaction with the night warden. As I made my way down to the gate, they were walking up. I spoke to the first male, I had spoken to him the previous evening, and asked him to instruct the group in their native tongue to quieten down immediately. He apologised and turned to the group and said something in Dutch (remember that key point, as it comes in useful later in the story). The group carried on walking and another male, who I suspected of smoking something narcotic the previous evening, said, "Evening." I responded to this by repeating the pleasantries and he stopped. He stood on the spot, swaying slightly from side to side, rolling his arms. I said "Evening" again and he smiled and carried on walking.

I decided to follow them up to their tents to ensure that they were going to be quiet. One of the group, dressed in a 'comical' hat and clogs (yes, I kid you not) was urinating against the trees. I spoke to him and pointed out the toilets to him. He finished what he was doing, picked up his pint glass of lager and walked off. How he managed to take a pint glass, with alcohol in it, from town into a taxi and all the way to the campsite is beyond me.

I followed them again.

As I came round the front of the toilets, I noticed a male come out of the female toilets and return to his tent. He was part of the bike group. I stood at the entrance to the toilets to let them know, visually, that I was there. They were quiet going into the toilets and coming back out once word had got round that they were being monitored. All except one. The clog-wearing, urinator himself. Wooden clogs and concrete are not a match made in heaven, especially not at 12.30 in the morning.

After they had finished using the facilities, I realised that they were becoming quite noisy, so I walked over to ask them to quieten down. I told them that this was their final warning and if I had to return the manager would be called. After a brief conversation with them, which included one member of the party asking me "to speak the Queen's English, not broken English with a Polish accent." (incidentally, I'm not Polish and have subsequently never been to Poland.) They realised I was serious and as I walked away, one of the Dutch crowd said, "Looks like the party is over then."

Indeed it is.

If it's not one thing, it's another...

Normally, at work, I'm constantly subjected to an ear-bashing throughout the night by the owls who find that the trees around the site are the most comfortable in a 20-mile radius. Recently, along with the owls, I've heard some other strange noises at night. At first I thought it was a punter, but I soon quashed that thought when I walked around the entire site and realised the noise was coming from outwith the park.

Any noise coming from outside the park is beyond my control. I did check the other buildings nearby, just in case I was missing something.

Once I had established that the noises were not coming from within the park, and a vague direction of where they were coming from, I set off to see if I could pinpoint the source. On the first night, I couldn't because the noise stopped as soon as I left the site.

Last night, the noise seemed to be closer than ever, so I could try and decipher it when it was more clearer than previous occasions. I thought it was someone having some sort of attack or medical emergency in one of the caravan/motorhome fields. After a brief check, I soon realised that no one was around and trying to get my attention to call for emergency assistance.

Again, I was completely baffled by the noise (which did sound like someone shouting, "help" at one stage) and where it was coming from. I decided to take a walk outwith the park and along the road a little. I quickly established that the noise was coming from the other side of the river, and it did sound more human than animal.

A quick run back to the office to grab the most powerful torch and a quick run back to where I heard the noise (who says I don't do any work?). I waited for the noise again, which by this point was becoming more frequent than on previous occasions, and when I managed to gauge roughly where the noise was coming from, I shone the torch across the river to see what it was.

I shone the torch directly across the river and couldn't see anything. I slowly scanned the riverside with the powerful light emitting from the torch, I noticed something move. I directed the beacon of light towards the tall, dead, oak tree. There was an eerie silence, which was briefly interrupted by a punter moving in their squeaky caravan bed, then it happened again. I edged closer to the river and kept the torch on the same spot, hoping to catch a glimpse of this beast. Was I on the verge of a scientific breakthrough? Had I discovered the UK's equivalent of a yeti? Suddenly, the torchlight bounced off something glassy and reflective. I narrowed my eyes and shielded them from the glare. Then the night air was broken from it's calmness by the noise again. I edged as close as I could to the riverside, breaking the silence momentarily when I stepped on a stray branch which snapped under my boot. I peered again. It edged it's way out slowly from behind the tall, dead oak tree. It's black eyes stared across the river at me, it was trying to intimidate me. I knew that I was safe, by the time it had crossed the fast-flowing river I would be back on the site and on the phone to the relevant authorities. Slowly, and carefully, it edged it's way out further. It gave a much quieter drone, almost questionable in sound, as it stared at me. I realised then what had been responsible for the deathly noises over the past few nights. It was a cow.

Yes, it really has been that quiet lately.

The Owl and the Pussycat

Well, it has to be said that last night was one of the most interesting nights I have had for a long time. Probably since I started this position months ago.

Both groups which I blogged about yesterday (this post) have been removed from the park. I breathed a heavy sigh of relief when Alex told me the good news and an even bigger sigh when I saw two blank spaces of grass where they were pitched the previous evening.

Anyway, back to last night. It started off as any other night does, nice and quiet. I walked around the site and satisfied myself that I would have a trouble-free evening. Or so I thought.

It was all going so well, until a vehicle decided to drive from the amenities block to the car park. A distance of less than 400 yards. Why they couldn't walk there, I am unsure, but that was to become apparent later in the night. As it was just after eleven, I didn't bother to speak to them (even though, on hindsight, I wished that I had).

A few taxis came back from the town and made their way quietly to their respective caravans and tents.

It quietened down for a short while, until I heard a vehicle pull in and park up. As soon as they got out of the car, they became very noisy. So I made my way down to the gate to have a word in their ears. As soon as they saw me standing there, they quietened down, bid me a good night and walked off. They walked off quietly, but soon the noise started again. I followed them, at a distance, to see where they were going and to ask them to stop antagonising the owls by making spectacularly rubbish owl noises.

Once they had found their tents, they continued to be loud so I asked them again to quieten down. They apologised and I stood behind their tents to keep an eye on them. They couldn't see me, but I could see, and hear, them. It was then I noticed a torchlight at reception. It was only when the torchbearer turned the corner, that I could see how powerful the torch was. It was very powerful indeed, and not the average type of torch a punter would have. I decided to leave the males to it and made my way to reception.

As I turned the corner, I noticed a fluorescent jacket and two people standing there. It was the Police. I walked over to them, and realised it was our regular PC and one I hadn't seen before. They were looking for the owners of a vehicle which had just came back from town and was currently parked at the gate. I asked them for the registration number and the details of the car to see if it would jog my memory. As soon as he told me the make and model of the vehicle, I knew exactly who it was. The Owl Impressionists.

I showed the boys in blue where the tents were and one of the males was outside. It just so happened to be the driver of the vehicle in question. As the Police were questioning the male, the following conversation took place;

"Where's the skins?"
"Shut up, man, the Police are here."
"I know, but where's the skins? I need a joint, man!"
"Shut up, the Police are out here."
"Where's the dope?"

I was trying my best not to laugh, and the Police Officer spotted this and we both shared a 'How stupid can you be?' moment.

The male was taken down to the Police car to be breathalysed, and I spoke to the tent once more before I followed them down. When I got there, I had a long conversation with one of the constables, the regular one, before he went back to the car.

About half an hour later, a taxi pulled up and a large group spilled out into the car park. One of the drunken females noticed the Police car (let's be honest, it's not that difficult) and walked up to the driver's window to attempt a conversation with the officer of the law. It went like this;

"Hello there Mister Policeman!"
"Hello"
"Are you here to arrest me? I've been a naughty girl!"
"No, I'm not."
"Aw, but what if I said. . ."
(Police car window closes)
"He's a NASTY Mister Policeman!"

As they walked in, I asked them to quieten down and I didn't want to hear another word out of them. I think I was approximately halfway through saying, "Quieten down" when the female replied,

"Hello there Mister Man!"

At that point the regular Police officer got out the car and informed me of the outcome and thanked me for my help. After they drove off, I decided to follow the drunken group which had recently returned. Luckily, they were going to a caravan. They were still being noisy, so I walked into the caravan park and up to their 'van. I heard voices from round the back and I knew from the topic they were discussing, they were urinating. I shone the torch round the back and told them they had five seconds (which is long enough, even if you are drunk) to make themselves decent before I came round. I duly waited the five seconds, I actually think I gave them longer, and walked round. Nothing could have prepared me for the sight which was thrust upon my eyes. Let's just say, the two males had made themselves decent, but the two females hadn't. I got an "eye-full" as some may say, of the two females. I averted my eyes, and waited a few seconds before putting the torch back on them. At least they had covered up slightly, and were in the process of pulling up their jeans when I spoke to one of the males. I informed him of where the toilets were and if I had to return, they would be spending the night in Police custody.

It quietened down a lot after that, so after a quick walk around the site, I went for my break. About halfway through my well deserved break, I heard a vehicle moving around. I walked out of the office and noticed a car driving towards me. The same vehicle as earlier. I spoke to the occupants and they explained their predicament. It sounded rather suspicious to me, so I asked them to park up and sleep it off until the gates opened at six. They had come camping with a tent, but no sleeping bags or blankets. Sound suspicious to you? I thought so.

After that, the park was quiet until I knocked off shift.

Drunken Nights

I have no idea how it happened, but it did, and I wasn't best pleased about the situation. Allow me to explain.

Normally, before I start my shift I sit in the office with a coffee and watch the news. From the moment I set foot in the office, the door is closed and I for that brief half hour I don't care what is happening on the site. It's my moment of tranquility before it all descends into chaos when I start my shift. As soon as I set foot outside the door, I knew it was going to be one of those nights. Whether it was something in the air or not, I've no idea, but my spidey-sense was tingling, let me tell you!

I walked around the first field, which was relatively quiet, then into the second field of tents. It was just as I walked in that I noticed not one, but THREE vehicles parked on the grass next to four tents and large group of drunk, happy punters. So I hot-footed it over to the tents and made my presence known to them. I asked them to remove the vehicles from the grass and asked them to quieten down as people were attempting to sleep. They put up a bit of a fight, but they knew I was right. As I walked away from the group, I heard one of them utter the following statement;

"That guy has an attitude problem. Who does he think he is? A warden?"

I was about to return to them to clarify my position, but decided against it.

As I crossed over into the third field, I was immediately greeted with a lot of shouting and screaming by a group of Geordie's. Again I asked them to quieten down, then explained the silence policy to them. I knew they weren't listening, as they continued to talk when I was telling them. A lost cause, I thought, so I gave up and continued on my rounds.

The rest of the park was very quiet in comparison to the two cases I mentioned.

After I had locked down the two buildings and locked the gates for the night. I decided to pay another visit to the first group. I could hear them talking from the gate, which is a fair distance away, so I knew they were still up and about. I walked over to the field and noticed that the vehicles were still parked on the grass. Again, I asked them to remove the vehicles and park them in the parking bay opposite their tent, which they did. Only because I stood there and made sure of it.

A quick jump into the next field where I asked the Geordie's to quieten down, again, before going off round the park. I soon realised that the second group weren't going to quieten down, so I decided at that moment to call Alex out. Luckily, he was at the gate anyway, he couldn't sleep and decided to come down and walk around with me for a while.

After around ten minutes, he had spoken to both parties and another group who decided to give Alex the V-sign as he was walking over to tell them to quieten down, this only annoyed Alex even further. They quietened down eventually.

After Alex had left the park and returned home to sleep off his anger, I observed one of the first crowd's party urinating against the hedge. I found out that this is one of my all time pet hates with this job. I walked over, pointing the torch at him, and had a word with him. I pointed out the toilets to him and his reply was, "yeah, whatever." and he returned to his tent. I wasn't going to report them, but he had single-handedly convinced me to do so.

After about two o'clock, the site quietened right down and the only person who was making any noise was the person who had the most irritating cough ever. It was so annoying, that I managed to convince myself to think he was doing on purpose.

At the end of the shift, I went back up to the crowd who were urinating/parking on the grass/causing a disruption, to obtain their ticket numbers for the report, when I noticed that they were awake and three of them were urinating against the hedge. This was at around seven o'clock, when other punters were starting to rise.

I submitted a report without the ticket numbers, as I had guessed that Alex would know who I was talking about anyway.

Chilly Chilly, Bang Bang.

Don't worry, I haven't frozen and drifted downstream during the recent cold spell. I've been out there, through thick (layers of clothing) and thin (layers of ice on the car windscreens) working hard to create a blog posting for you all.

Let's start with Wednesday night.

After I had locked down all the buildings and closed the gates, for the second time due to a punter arriving back at one minute past eleven, I had a quick walk around the park to ensure that all was quiet. In one of the toilet blocks, there was three German males. When I went to the block, I noticed that the doors were closed, so I opened them and went to check on the female toilets. I returned to the gents toilets, to find the doors had been closed. Again, I opened them and went inside to question the three males.

"Can you explain to me why you have just closed these doors, despite the fact that you just watched me open them?"
"Because it's cold."
"Then my suggestion is that you go to your tent, climb into your sleeping bags and go to sleep."
"Oh... sorry."

I walked back to reception and just as I came around the corner, a vehicle pulled into the drive. I waited for the driver to realise that the gates were in fact closed and that he (or she) would have to reverse into the parking bays provided. The vehicle didn't move. So I went to investigate. As I approached the gate, I realised that it was two of the local constabulary's finest. Apparently, someone had gone climbing and not called their sister to say that all went well and they were safely off the mountain and back on the campsite. The sister became worried and called the Police. They knew a rough description of the person's vehicle as well as a partial index mark. That was good enough for me, so I opened the gates and let them drive in. They checked the larger of the fields and I checked the other two. I found the vehicle and tent in question, so I walked back to let them know. They drove round and spoke to the occupant of the tent. When they were finished, the male Police officer and I had a chat. He has been out a few times when I have been on shift, so he knew me from then (and more specifically, from this incident). I think he was more than happy to stand there and talk to me all night, but his colleague wasn't, she demonstrated this by uttering the following statement,

"You two can stand there and talk all night, but I'm bloody cold."

before jumping back into the car. The male Police officer thanked me for letting them in after hours before driving off.

I noticed a couple of rubber-neckers during this incident, namely the German door-shutters. They quickly vanished when they saw the Police getting back into the car and driving in their direction though. Makes you wonder, doesn't it?

Remember the male from this post? Well, I was speaking to Alex during the handover and he informed me that the male had abandoned his "tent" and left. The lads noticed this when they were doing their morning checks, so they put a ticket on it asking the occupant to contact reception immediately on their return. Just before they went off shift, nobody had been in, although the tickets had been removed from the tent. I've been asked to keep an eye on the tent, should I see anyone moving around near it to let Alex know. Otherwise, the "tent" will be dismantled and put with all the other tents that have been abandoned over the season, then binned or given to one of the local charity shops. I've got my name on a brand new tent which was abandoned a while back. This job does have it's perks.

In one of the other fields a punter had decided that it would be a good idea to tie a plastic tarpaulin to some trees to provide a bit of shelter. The only thing it provided was a rustling, efficacious way of keeping people awake. I untied it and placed it next to the tent. I didn't want several complaints about the amount of noise it was making (and it was making a lot of noise).

As for Thursday night, it was relatively quite in comparison to that. The only thing that irritated me was the sound of a heater emitting from a mobile home. It made me think how they were all nice and warm in their home from home and I was left to wander around the site in the freezing cold.

Ah well, no rest for the wicked, back on shift in a couple of hours.

Long Nights

The nights are certainly getting longer. Well, maybe it seems that way at the moment as the punters I've had for the past few nights have had that special ability to do what regular punters cannot achieve. This crowd can read the park rules and abide by them. It's amazing, I know and I was a little shocked to only have to tell one tent to quieten down last night.

As the nights are getting quieter now, I've had the chance to catch up on some light reading. Last night I finished 'Blood, Sweat and Tea' a book which is a compilation of blog postings from this blog. It is an interesting read, if you like that sort of thing.

On another, unrelated, note. There is one punter which is causing Alex a great deal of confusion and worry. I have spoken to him on one occasion (but I didn't realise it was this male that Alex was talking about at the time) and he seemed reasonable enough, even though he was ill-informed about the subject he was discussing with me at the time.

He arrived a few days ago and booked in. After booking in, he asked the receptionist on duty if someone could set up his tent for him. She spoke to Alex and he, in turn, spoke to the male. He was wheezing badly, as though he was at death's door, and saying that he had recently had major surgery. Now, call me cynical, but if you're recovering from major surgery, you don't disappear off and go camping. Do you?

Alex summoned one of the day wardens to help the male set up his tent. It was only when the day warden reported back that Alex's suspicions became increasingly alarmed. The male had asked the night warden to set up his tent for him. The tent was brand new and still in the packaging. It was a child's play-tent.

Now this male is over six foot tall and quite thickset, so how he manages to squeeze such a large frame into such a small tent is beyond the realms of possibility. But he manages it every night.

Last night, Alex's suspicions were aroused again by this gentleman, when he came into the shop and asked to purchase eight cans of cider. I'll refer you back to the first paragraph where I mentioned he had recently had major surgery. If this was indeed the case, I'm pretty certain he would be on some form of antibiotics and would not be drinking 8 cans of cider. The shop assistant alerted Alex and he told her to only sell him four cans. The four cans were duly sold to the male, along with a groundsheet (one of the more expensive ones available in the shop) and a few other items.

He mentioned this to me and asked if I could keep an eye on him to ensure that he wasn't going to be a problem. I was also given strict instructions to call Alex immediately if I had to speak to the male in question. Thankfully, he slept like a baby and didn't wake up the entire night.

He's here for a few more nights, so I am relying on him to provide me with something to blog about if the rest of the site is quiet (which it undoubtedly will be).

That's all for this post. I'm off to bed now. Even though the nights are quiet, they take longer to pass and ultimately leave you feeling drained at the end of each shift.

Until the next time, keep the noise down please. . .

Lazy Days

Well, that's pretty much the end of the season and last night was Archie's last shift of the year. It was an uneventful night. Despite the high winds, there were no casualties. There was one tent which I thought was on the verge of collapsing due to the winds and the fact that it did not have any guy-ropes tethering it to the ground. The tent withstood gusts of up to 40mph (approximately) at times and was still standing at the time.

One tent wasn't set up correctly, so every time the wind blew, the walls of the tent blew in. The occupants were out several times attempting to fix their tent. Needless to say they packed up early in the morning and left just after the gates were open.

The final tent, well that didn't fair too well against the elements. The entrance collapsed, exposing the gas bottle and other items (which will probably never work again) to the world. In the morning, I checked their ticket as the tent had a number of tickets attached to it. One was for the 22nd and the other was the 23rd. I'm sure they were wishing they hadn't bothered re-booking for another night.

A short post tonight, I'll be having a fairly long discussion with Alex tonight to find out what will be happening now that we're one warden short.

Pitch Repairs

My sincere apologies for not posting a blog update before now. I'm sure there are thousands of you hanging on my every word and awaiting the fate of the two night wardens. Yes, when I left you last time I was about to find out what was about to happen, now that the season had died down slightly.

Well, after a long discussion between Alex, Archie and myself at the weekend. I can now exclusively reveal what is going to happen. Ready? OK, then here goes. Archie finishes up on Sunday morning and that leaves me on six nights until sometime in October. So you can get your blog-fix until then. Aren't you happy?

On with the other news now. As the site is practically empty, the day wardens have been taking that opportunity to get the annual pitch repairs done. Obviously with a high volume of tents pitching up on the same patch of grass repeatedly over the season, the ground does show some wear and tear. So much so, that large parts of various camping fields have been closed off to allow for this necessary maintenance work to be carried out.

Despite the fact that there were signs asking people to 'keep off' the area, I did notice one male parking his mpv on the grass. Right on a pitch which was under repair. I asked him to move the vehicle as the area was closed off. His reply?

"Can't you do that in Winter when there's no one here?"

Well, this area is prone to snow during the Winter months, and as common sense would tell you; snow isn't exactly ideal grass growing conditions.

Either the site has become the home to a family of door-closing ghosts over the past few nights, or someone doesn't want to get a draughty-arse when they are using the toilet facilities. I lost count of the number of times I had to open and re-open one building's toilet doors. The first time I did it, was at the female toilets. I opened the main door and then the internal one. I was quite surprised to see a teenage male standing there with three female accomplices. Questioning his gender issues, I sent them on their way.

Later that night, after I had re-opened the toilet doors for the fiftieth time, I spoke to a group of three male ex-squaddies. One of them was more inebriated than the others and wouldn't quieten down. I had to speak to this tent on several occasions before calling Alex out. He had a word with them and after half an hour, they quietened down.

Last night was exceptionally dull. The rain couldn't decide whether it was on or off all night and I was left to wander the entire night not knowing if the rain was about to start.

After I had opened the main gate, I went back to the office and had a quick cup of coffee. Well, I almost had a quick cup of coffee. I had just made the coffee and placed it on the desk, switched the TV onto BBC News24 when a van drove past. I knew it wasn't the hygiene van which comes around to empty the sanitary bins on a weekly basis, so I decided to go and have a look.

It didn't take me long to spot the van, so I went and had a quick word in the driver's ear. I enquired as to what he was up to and he informed me that they were going to pitch their tent and go climbing. I informed them that the Reception opened at eight and to take his transit van back round to where he had been sitting. He did so, which is nice, and he also managed to do it fairly quietly without disturbing any of the punters.

Before I clocked off, I went into Reception and asked the receptionist how long they were staying. They're here for two days. There better not be any more shenanigans from them, otherwise they'll be leaving earlier.

That's all the news for this post, back in tonight and it looks like the weather will be pretty reasonable.

Nothing really happens

...nothing happens at all, and the needle returns to the start of the song and we all sing along like before." - Del Amitri

I think last night was an interesting one, but more on that at a later date. It was a quiet evening on the site, well it was when I arrived, slightly later than usual but it was all above board. The first thing I noticed was that the building alarm was sounding inside, so I had to call Alex out to reset it. It was very quiet all night with absolutely nothing to report. Well, there was one thing. . .

I noticed last night that the owls were a lot quieter than usual. I thought maybe it was due to the fact that it was rather windy and I either couldn't hear them or they had been blown off course and weren't on the site. I found out the reason at around half seven this morning, as I was doing my usual routine of walking around the grounds, I discovered an owl (deceased) lying in an awkward position, in amongst a pile of branches, under a tree. That would explain the sudden silence then!

Back in tonight, and I do believe I will be finding out what will happen to both myself and Archie now that the season has died down slightly. I shall endeavour to keep you posted.

She's gone...

...and I'm a broken man. Yes, the sad news of which I spoke in the last post has finally come. She left yesterday morning and I didn't even get a chance to say goodbye. I'm a broken man. Maybe it's due to the fact that I now have man-flu and I'm trying to milk it for everything it's worth.

Last night was a very quiet night compared to the weekend. The mass exodus of people have left the area and it's just the usual crowd that's in. Good news for the day shift though, I noticed, as it gives them plenty of opportunity to carry out essential pitch repairs. There are a lot of signs out asking people not to pitch in certain areas of the park.

I did have to call Alex out at just after midnight last night, I had spoken to a group who had their radio on and were talking loudly. I had to ask them to turn the radio off twice and to quieten down three times. The third time I paid them a visit, two of the males and one of the females were urinating in the trees. All season and I've had a few piss-takers, but never a female one. Luckily I was distracted talking to the male by the time I turned my attention to the person hanging around the treeline. I shone the torch on them and saw them pull up their trousers and apologise in a feminine voice. I didn't know where to look.

Alex appeared at the office door last night, just as I was about to set off on my rounds and informed me that Archie wasn't going to the annual staff night out and he practically begged me to go. Naturally I was very suspicious, I'm a night warden it's in the contract, but agreed to show face before heading off to work. Yes, they happened to plan the night out when I was on shift. Although Alex has said that he'll "make it up to me." How? Well, I didn't want to ask there and then. So we'll see what tricks he has up his sleeve.

A Frantic Weekend

First of all, I'd like to apologise for not posting over the course of the weekend, but as the park has been pretty busy, I'm sure you'll understand.

When I went back in on Friday night, the chiminea gang and the bongo-toting loonies had left/been evicted from the site. I did hear from a member of the day staff that the bongo crowd were on a tour of the UK and were only staying for one night.

Friday night was the busiest of them all. Three night wardens on duty, with Billy on the gates for six hours and myself and Archie walking around the rest of the park. As you well know, the gates on the site close at eleven o'clock and after that, no one gets onto the site. By 11.30pm, the car park was pretty much full. By 11.45pm the grass area opposite the tarred car park was full and cars were still arriving back. It was mainly taxis, but three cars and a motorhome (which was already booked in on the site) came back. So, Billy became slightly flustered and asked me to help him out. I sent the cars and the motorhome further up the road where there is a secure car park and a path which takes them back onto the site. Take note; the motorhome occupants said that this was fine and they didn't mind. At 8am, they went in and complained and asked for a refund (which wasn't given) as they were refused access back onto the site.

Between the hours of midnight and four in the morning, a lot of taxis came back to the site. Most of them seemed to be on repeat journeys for the night. As the site is three miles from the nearest town, and after midnight the taxi fares are higher, these drivers must have made an absolute mint. Billy reminded them of the silence policy when they came back in and most of them adhered to it. There was one or two exceptions to that rule, but they were told by myself that if they didn't shut up, they would be leaving the site immediately.

The last taxi back on the site was at 5.40am.

On Saturday, the car park was filled, but only three vehicles were forced to park on the grass. A lot more punters went out and I finally managed to enforce the "no walking around with alcohol" policy. Fair enough, the punter was already inebriated and just looked confused when he handed over the can of lager and watched me pour it down the drain and put the empty in the bin.

Several reports went into the office and I think a few people were asked to leave. One group in particular. They arrived back around half past one and they shook Billy's hand and assured him that they would be quiet. They then proceeded to walk into the field and shout extremely loud. I hot-footed it into the field and found their tent. As I walked up to the tent, I heard one of them saying he was going to empty his bladder, so I shone the torch on him and he decided to use the toilet block instead. I spoke to one male, who was sitting behind the wheel of his vehicle, drunk. Before I managed to say anything to him, he offered me a fruit pastille. I declined his offer, and checked their ticket. They were due to be leaving in the morning, so I said to them if they didn't quieten down immediately, get in their tents and go to sleep, they would be leaving now. I had no further dealings with them, but I believe that Archie spoke to them afterwards, so I decided to put a report in anyway. They were rudely awoken at 8am and told to pack up and leave.

In the same field, there is a large tent (which has been booked in as a backpack tent, which has a smaller fee to pay) and next to it, were four small 2-3 man tents. One of which wasn't a part of the three smaller ones. If that makes sense. The teenage occupants came back after the fruit pastille mob and went to their tents and were talking loudly. I walked over and told them if they didn't quieten down immediately, they would be packing up and leaving the site. The male occupant of the tent which had pitched next to them, but wasn't a part of their group, said, "Good call mate." I guessed that he had been previously awoken by the teens.

At that point, I decided to go for a cup of coffee. I was standing outside the office with my hot cup of coffee, when a male approached me. I could see that he was tired and not a happy man. He asked me if I worked on the site, as if the fluorescent jacket wasn't a major giveaway, to which I replied with the affirmative. Once he had established where his tent was and that it was him who had said, "Good call mate" when I asked the noisy group of teens to quieten down, he told me that he was thinking about making a complaint. We spoke for around ten minutes, and when he left he said that he probably wouldn't make a complaint after all. So it came as a bit of a surprise when Alex told me that he had made a complaint and that, allegedly, it was like "world war three there." I said that it was of no such proportions, but Alex wasn't in the best of moods that morning, so there was no arguing about it.

The last taxi back on the site was at 5.55am, the sole returnee looked as though he'd been sleeping somewhere and had not long woken up. He did say 'good morning' to us though.

On Sunday, there was another party in the town. Even though the site only had around 200 tents and around 100 caravans and motorhomes, the site was reasonably quiet. Alex had mentioned to me, in passing, that a group of five teenagers were messing around in one of the sculleries and setting off the fire extinguishers. So it was Archie's job to find out their ticket details. This wasn't hard, because just after ten (before we had even started.) The group of teens were still in the scullery making a noise. Archie went over and sent them to their tents and told them if there was anymore noise from them, the manager would be called and they would be asked to pack up and leave. We found their tent shortly after that, so we knew who to keep an eye on.

Sadly though, we didn't have to speak to them again, but I think Alex went round and asked them to replace the fire extinguisher which they had set off the previous evening.

All was quiet until around two in the morning, when the pubs closed. The same group of males that were causing a disturbance the previous evening came back and we kept a very close eye on them. Two of them had decided to go and play on the swings, not the best idea at 2am. However, they were quickly sent to their tents and told if there was any further noise they would be evicted. They took a while getting into their tents and weren't happy that the park enforced a silence policy. Eventually though, they went to sleep. Another report for Alex in the morning.

The last taxi arrived back on the site at 7am. It's a new record!

Well, that's what everyone has been bracing themselves for and it's finally over. Back to normal this week, and that will shortly be followed by the end of the season.

Some sad news this week; the female receptionist, who Archie thinks has fancy for me, is leaving to go home. Alex mentioned this, in passing, but didn't say when. I guess only time will tell if we get to swap contact details before she bids this site 'Au revoir' for good.

Bongos, No -Shows and Have-A-Go's

Well, it wasn't quite the mad dash I, and everyone else, had expected it to be. Nonetheless, it was still a busy night for a Thursday.

The ex-night warden was on last night with me, Archie was supposed to be on also, but he decided to go and get drunk instead of coming into work. Let's just say that when I phoned him, and Alex spoke to him, Alex wasn't best pleased.

The silence policy has been changed for this weekend, it's a case now of:

• Strike One: You will be asked to quieten down with immediate effect, silence policy will be explained.
  
• Strike Two: You will be instructed to leave the park first thing in the morning.

I spoke to one group in the reserved field and asked them to take the wood out of their chimenia, one of the males in the group (evidently more drunk than his friends) refused, but luckily his sober friend did as instructed.

I walked around the site and found a minibus of approximately ten Asian males. This was the group that I had been warned about before I started. Apparently, they were playing their bongos a little bit too loudly for their neighbours liking. There's nothing like a bit of culture on the site, is there? Anyhow, I digress. When I approached them, they were grabbing all the necessary items from their hired minibus for the evening, with the headlights on full beam pointed across the field. I asked them to switch the lights off and reminded them of the silence policy. They seemed pretty genuine and not the typical kind of bongo-toting loony you'd expect on a camping holiday.

As I was walking back, I noticed a vehicle with it's interior light on, as there had been no action near the car, I guessed it was a mistake. Luckily, the vehicle's owner's friends were still up (they also had wood on their fire, which they were told to remove) and they got the keys and switched the offending light off. They were very thankful, as it would have meant a flat battery in the morning if I hadn't told them.

Different field, another wooden fire. I could hear the wood cracking as it burnt from the top of the field, so I made my way down and told them to put the fire out. They apologised and did as instructed. When I returned half an hour later, they were in bed. Directly opposite this tent was a smaller one, with two loud occupants inside. I gave them one warning and that was all they were going to get. Again, they apologised and went to sleep.

I went back round to check on the group and their chimenia. Lo and behold, it was still burning the wood and they were still talking. Again, they were told to take the wood off the fire and quieten down otherwise the manager would be called. They didn't.

Just then, Billy (the ex-night warden) called Alex on the radio. Apparently, he'd left a door open which should have been locked. When Alex said he'd be down in five minutes, I called in on the radio that I may need his assistance for a group in one of the fields.

After about fifteen minutes, Alex turned up. He didn't look happy, he clarified this by saying, "You ruined my chicken." The first thing he had to do was lock the all important door, then he was free to deal with the chiminea gang.

As we approached the chiminea gang, Alex went ahead and spoke to them. The more inebriated one of the group wasn't happy that someone was telling them to put the fire out, shut up and go to bed. He remonstrated this by standing up and having a go at Alex. A punch was almost thrown, but he was held back by his friend. Alex's hand had a firm grip around his 'trusty steed'. When his friend asked for some help in restraining him, three people got up and walked briskly to the toilets. Eventually, the first restrainer was assisted by another male, they then bundled him into the tent and told him to shut up, in less polite terms.

I doubt they will be there tonight.

At around 0300hrs, I decided to pay another visit to the bongo-wielding troop in the furthest field. I had been there a few times before to tell them to quieten down. They were still talking. I gave them the ultimatum, "I want complete quietness now or you can pack up and leave." They took the hint and the lights went off and there wasn't a sound out of them. Apparently some of them were leaving early to go walking. I never seen anyone, or heard any movement from them after I spoke to them at three in the morning.

This morning, when I signed off, my report stretched to three pages. I'm hoping for a number of things tonight when I go in:

1. That Archie has sobered up enough to come in to work.
   
2. The groups/tents which were reported have been removed from the site (to free up space for friendly, tee-total, family people.)
3. That Billy doesn't bore me with his stories. . . "When I was the night warden. . ." or "When the last manager was here. . ."

I'll be lucky if I get two out of three, but you can but hope.

The Calm before the Storm Part II

Despite what the local area thinks about this week being a major headache for anyone in a 50 mile radius, it's turned out to be not that bad. On Sunday, Alex said that despite what he said previously about it going to be a busy week, it looked like it was going to be a busy few days. Starting today.

I'll prove how quiet it's been this week, I still managed to get my two days off. If it had been busier, I had previously been asked to work an extra shift. Turns out, I wasn't needed as the site was fairly dead.

As Archie has his day off on a Thursday, I've been put on with someone else. Someone who talks more nonsense than Archie (believe me, that's quite a feat.). Someone who was once caught on duty sitting outside Reception, on a deckchair with a mug of coffee in his hands by the previous manager. Yes, I've been put on with the ex-night warden. He's not called the ex-night warden for nothing, you know.

Last night was fairly good, I only had to speak to a couple of punters about the excessive noise. I also spotted a couple of tents (obviously together) who had a proper barbecue and three or four bags of logs, kindling and wood chips. A quick check of the barbecue revealed that they hadn't burnt any of it yet, so I mentioned it to Alex during the handover this morning.

I'm not going to say that it's going to be a quiet night tonight, because I know that this will be false. From around 7.15am this morning, punters started arriving to book in, by the time I left at 8, there was a queue of around half a dozen cars and motor homes waiting in the lane outside Reception.

When I was speaking to Alex, one of the Receptionist's came through and showed Alex a booking-in slip and said, "There are seven guys, adults, wanting to book in." Alex took one look at her and with a face that screamed "NO! Not on my park!" he said, "OK." Then he asked her how she was doing for sets of site rules. She went away to check and just as I was leaving the back door, she came back through and said she had run out.

I get the distinct feeling that Alex won't be getting a decent nights sleep tonight.

Free Pizza and Handcuffed Males

A fairly bizarre night, last night by all accounts. It started off pretty reasonably, before descending rapidly into madness.

The external car park, which holds approximately fifteen vehicles, was almost full last night. Most of them turned up not long after the gates had closed for the night and nobody tried to open them and drive onto the site. A 'civilised crowd' as Alex would say. At around midnight, the local pizza delivery van pulled into the car park and sat at the bottom with his engine running. I thought he was passing the time, so I decided to go and enquire what he was up to. Everything turned out to be legitimate though. He was waiting for the recipients of several pizzas which had been ordered and they were on their way to collect them.

I thought nothing more of the pizza delivery guy, until I returned to the gate twenty minutes later. He was still waiting. As I walked down towards the gate, he noticed me and walked over. He asked if anyone had come to me looking for the pizzas. They hadn't. He radioed through to his control room and asked what to do. Thankfully, the guy on the other end of the radio recently did some work on the site and decided to let us have one of the pizzas and the others would go to the pub for the bar staff. So, I'd like to thank the following people for their extreme generosity, even though they were probably unaware of it at the time:

• The Pizza delivery company (driver and radio operator)
• The group of hungry punters who ordered the pizza
• and Nescafe, who provided unto me a coffee which washed down that pizza. I'd much rather be thanking Arthur Guinness, but unfortunately, I can't drink on duty.

As the pubs and clubs in the nearby town had a late license, some of our punters didn't come back until well after 3am. Under normal circumstances, I am scheduled to be on my break by this time. But, as this is a one off occasion (I hope), I decided to take a late lunch and deal with the drunken revellers who had stayed until kicking out time.

The first group to arrive back were asked immediately to quieten down the moment they stepped out of the taxi. As they walked off, the volume of their voices gradually became louder and louder. We followed them, at a close distance, into the first tent field. Where they spotted a motorbike which took their fancy. Well, it attracted the attention of two out of three of them. The third male was more intent on urinating very close to another punters tent. When I pointed out the location of the toilets, they all looked confused. I pointed them out again, by saying;

"There are toilets just there, you know. There is no valid reason to urinate next to someone's tent."

I thought they had got the picture. I couldn't have been further from the truth. As they walked off, I warned them that if we had to speak to them again, Alex would be called. Myself and Archie walked along behind them and when they got to their tents, they were being louder than ever. Only this time it was coupled with the slamming of car doors and laughing. The males, when we spoke to them and told (not asked, it was beyond asking politely) them to go to their tents and sleep, they turned into arrogant, selfish and irritating fools. One of them told us that we couldn't put them in a Police cell. They are partially correct, personally we can't put them in a Police cell, but we know some people who can. The Police. Not Sting & Co. but the local constabulary. One of the males had one handcuffed wrist, at least this would have made the local constabulary's job a lot easier had they been called. They eventually gave up and went to bed quietly. Details were taken and I suspect they would have been given a rather rude and unwelcome awakening by Alex early this morning.

After that, it was quiet until around 5am when the shop alarm went off. In this situation, an alarm sounds next to Alex's bed and he is down pretty sharp. After calling him on the radio several times, he answered. Once the shop had been opened and the alarm silenced and reset, the perpetrator of the problem was sourced. The same kamikaze loaf of Kingsmill bread as last time (probably a different loaf, but the same location.)

Alex disappeared into the sunrise, back to his warm bed and the land of slumber which I had woken him from five minutes previously and all was back to normal on the site.

During the site check in the morning, I found a £5 note on the ground. At least us night wardens won't be short of coffee and milk for the week.

Toilet Sleepers

The event which we have been warned about are almost upon us, and we've all been bracing ourselves at all levels. From the owner, right down to the cleaning staff. Alex has told us to be on our toes at all times, because people will try to get away with things that are frowned upon in many respects. Campfires, walking around with opened alcoholic containers (which, I didn't realise was in the rules until recently and I shall now be enforcing with vigour).

Last night was fairly interesting, as the final few weeks of the 2007 season goes, in which we had a fairly quiet one. I was placed on gate-duty again, a task which I don't actually mind because it involves a great deal of punter-staff relations. Either way, the amount of vehicles which came back wasn't spectacular and most of the punters were of reasonable, non-loutish behaviour. Which is always welcome on the site.

At around 0100hours, myself and Archie were checking the toilets, a task which has to be done regularly at the weekends to ensure no punters have decided to sleep there instead of in their tents. As I walked into the largest toilet block on the site, I heard snoring. As I turned and spotted the punter, all curled up in the foetal position, on the counter next to the sinks, I realised that this male was the one I had stopped earlier in the evening, urinating in full view of several tents and punters. The same male who thought that the toilet block he was now fast asleep in, was the main reception. Anyway, I digress. Archie was designated the 'waker-upper' duties, whilst I had my hand firmly wrapped around my 'trusty steed' should the patron become violent. Due to the strong smell of alcohol emitting from him, this is always a possibility. It hasn't happened yet, but you should never count your chickens before they've hatched.

As he slowly awoke from his deep slumber, his first question was, "How long have you been trying to wake me?" Luckily, it hadn't been all that long. Archie told him to go to his tent and sleep there. He was complaining of "back pain" and the hard surface of the worktop helped him to sleep. I thought this was a fair comment, considering the fact he was so inebriated that he could barely stand. It wasn't until he mumbled the following, that alarm bells started to ring inside my head;

"I'll be honest with you, I don't have a tent."

OK, so we have an unwelcome guest on the site. Again we told him that he couldn't sleep there, no matter how good it was for his aching back, he had to leave. He stumbled outside and walked off. I kept my eye on him to ensure that he was going to leave the park. He wandered around to the rear of the building, so I duly followed him. I asked him again to leave the site and he assured me that he was just going to finish his cigarette and then leave. Archie wanted to check the toilets on another part of the site, so I walked round and grabbed the brightest torch from the shed and met up with him on his return journey. We both walked back to where we had seen the sleeping male last. Once we'd established that he wasn't there and was nowhere in the vicinity, we wondered where he had wandered off to. I checked the entrance and the road, but someone in his state couldn't have staggered too far. The roads and the entrance were both clear, so I checked the children's play area and the wooded area around the back of the holiday cottages. No trace.

Back to the toilets to check them again, and one of the cubicles was occupied. Was this our mystery man? I waited around outside to see who would come out. A short while transpired and nobody emerged. I heard the sound of the cubicle door being unlocked, so I gave the occupant enough time to set foot outside. When they didn't, I walked over to the toilets to check them again. The occupant of the cubicle was standing, brushing his teeth, at the sink. It wasn't our man. I did a quick check of the building and grounds. Once I had established that he wasn't there, I made my way to the nearest toilet block to check there. Again, no sign of the missing male. As I was heading back out of that field, Archie said something over the radio. It was a short transmission, and I only heard his current location and the 'roger' bleep. I made my way over to the field and found Archie standing next to our man.

He knew the rough location of the tent of his friends, but not the actual tent. After he had a long, slurred conversation with Archie, we both decided that it would be best if he walked off his alcohol and came back at dawn, when he would have more of a chance to find the tent he was looking for. He must have sobered up/woken up a bit more than the last time we spoke to him, as he realised this was a good idea. He walked off the site and down the road. I checked on his progress and he was far enough down the road for us to go for a coffee break.

He returned a few hours later and managed to get into his friend's tent and sleep for a few hours. All's well that end's well.

Back in tonight, where we may have an extra warden on duty and some interesting tales to tell in the morning. The good news is that I shall be relieved of gate duty for the forthcoming ten days or so.