The Bloodbath(room)

No matter how many punters come through the gates during the week, Saturday is always going to be the busiest night. Last night was no exception.

I was doing my usual routine of locking down the buildings and the main gate, when I was approached by two of the Dutch bikers. Since I told them about the silence policy the other night, they have been the quietest bike group I've had on the park for a long time. They had come to tell me that there was blood all over the male toilets near their tents. According to them it was all over the floor, the sinks and the toilet bowls. The way they described it made me think that a murder had taken place in there. I finished the job I was doing, before heading up there.

I was met by the two Dutchmen outside the toilet, before heading inside. It was apparent that the blood had been there for quite some time, perhaps early Saturday morning, as people had gone in to use the facilities and ground the blood into the tiles. Did anyone think to report it before then? No. They waited all day until the night warden came on duty before doing anything about it.

The abattoir-esque conditions which had been described to me were nothing in comparison to the reality of the situation. Still, I had a job to do. I donned a pair of rubber gloves and set about place with some disinfectant. (I left one spot of blood though, to prove that the day staff don't bother cleaning the toilets. If it's still there tonight, I'll know for sure.) After about ten minutes, there wasn't a trace of blood in the bathroom. Back to the office and I scrubbed my hands vigorously with swarfega before heading back out into the wilds of the park.

I was walking through the field nearest the entrance, when I heard a vehicle drive in. I about-turned and made my way to the gate. Just as approached them, I noticed a male attempting to urinate against the gatepost. I pointed out the toilets to him and followed him to ensure that he didn't make the same mistake twice. He didn't. He also walked past three of the four toilet blocks and went to his tent. My guess is that he urinated against the trees behind the tent.

I was about to walk back to the gate when I heard a group of males laughing and talking loudly. As I approached them, they quietened down slightly.

"You are aware that there is a silence policy from eleven o'clock?"
"Hot potatoes, carrots, peas and beef."
"There is a silence policy from eleven o'clock. If I have to come back here again, you will be asked to leave."
"OK, Sir."

That has to be the single most bizarre answer I have been given when asking someone to quieten down. Luckily though, I didn't have to go back to the tent again. But I did report them for the large amount of rubbish, empty cans and bottles, etc. which were lying around outside their tent.

The next two males back from the town were part of the group which included the first urinator. I noticed one of the two males urinating against the hedge and I was on my way to tell him to stop, when I was hijacked by a Leo Sayer-lookalike. He told me his name (which wasn't Leo Sayer, although the resemblance was uncanny) and where his tent was. His friend then caught up with him and I made them both aware of the silence policy and the fact that there are toilets open 24/7, so there really is no need to urinate along the hedgerow.

Then Leo Sayer asked for my name. I asked him for what purposes he needed it and he informed me that he wanted to "write it down later" for an official complaint. I'm not quite sure what the official complaint was, as all I asked them to do was to conform to the park protocol.

They walked off, and I followed them to see where they went. As soon as I realised that they were part of the first urinator's group, I left them to it.

A short while later, another taxi appeared and dropped off another drunken soul onto my peaceful park. This one was on his mobile phone. As he walked past, I realised where he was heading. I knew, because he had decided to phone Leo Sayer and company to let them know he was back. He remained on the phone all the way through the park until he was standing less than ten feet away from Leo Sayer. What would we do without mobile phones?

I gave them their five minutes to quieten down before going to tell them to shut up or leave. It got to around two minutes before the noise levels were breached. I told them to quieten down immediately or they would be leaving. They apologised and did as instructed.

I waited around, near the tent, to ensure the noise levels didn't become too loud. I heard the unzipping of the tent, so I walked round so I could see the entrance of the tent. Nobody emerged from the tent, so I stood there to ensure that no one decided to come out and urinate in the trees. The group descended into complete quietness for about a minute before karma struck.

I heard the sound of liquid hitting the plastic groundsheet and thought that someone had spilled their drink. The sound continued before someone uttered the words;

"Aw man, go piss outside the tent!"

Yes, karma had indeed struck again!