Implicit simplicity

It's been a rather dry few days, weather wise and also when it comes to things to blog about. There have been a number of small incidents which have occurred since the last time I wrote in this blog, but we'll come to that later.

It was a dry, calm and peaceful night on the park and nobody was making any noise, so I decided to stretch my legs a little and took a walk down towards the main road, a short distance away from the main entrance. Whilst I was at the main road, I heard a vehicle approaching, so I walked slowly back to the gates. I hadn't managed more than a few feet before the car was by my side.

"Can we get in?" enquired the passenger.
"Sorry, you're about an hour late." said I.
"Oh. So where do we park then?"
I looked at the several neatly parked cars at the main entrance, as they too had come back late and couldn't get back in, then I turned my head back towards the vehicle. I said nothing, as I didn't think it was deserved.
"So can we just park up in front of the gate then?" asked the passenger.
"No. You can park alongside the other parked vehicles." I said, slowly, "Unlike last night when you came back late and just opened the gates and drove onto the park."

The occupants said nothing to my remark, although I knew that it was them, as did they. I didn't think people were that stupid. The following morning I spoke to the head receptionist and thanked her and her team of reception staff for weeding out the trouble-makers and stopping them from booking in and asked if it was remotely possible that she could also weed out the simpletons too.

"Yes, but then you'd have an empty park."

She does have a point, I guess.

I apologise for the short post, but I'm working on a much larger and funnier one as you read this.

The Partybus

The past few weeks have been very quiet on the site with nothing of particular note to report. As the season starts to build, albeit very slowly, the troublemakers start to make their way to the surface. Normally they're pretty easy to spot, just by walking past and listening. There are also a few who escape under the radar, until it's very late at night. Last night was no exception, the group who were going to cause trouble made their presence known from very early in the night.

As I walked around the site at the start of my shift, in the pouring rain, I made a note of where all the tents were, so I didn't unnecessarily soak myself to the skin by wasting time later in the night walking round an empty field. There didn't appear to be any obvious troublemakers on the site, which is always a good thing. I managed to lock up all the amenities buildings and close the gates, before heading back around the site again. I had just left the gates when I heard a minibus pull up, so I went down to the corner nearest the gate, where I can see what's happening, but those at the gate can't see me. Luckily, they parked up and walked in reasonably quietly, apart from two of them. The two who stayed at the minibus pottered around for a while, before heading in to bed. A few moments later, a threesome of bikers pulled up at the gate and turned their engines off. I walked out to ensure that they weren't planning on leaving the bikes directly in front of the gate, they weren't. I spoke to one of the group who asked if they could push the bikes in, sans engines. I told them that they could, although I did feel sorry for the owner of the faster-looking bike, as his appeared to be twice as heavy as the others. With the bikers safely tucked up in their bed, I made my way around the park. As I came out of one of the fields, I noticed a group running from the toilets carrying something large and shiny. I couldn't make out what it was, so I followed them. Unfortunately, by the time I'd walked round, they were in their tents and silent.

Fortunately, the rain had subsided enough for a group of young guys to dig out the disposable barbeque and light it. I walked over to make sure that they were quiet and not going to hack down a sapling and sacrifice it over their disposable barbeque. As I was talking to the group, who were very talkative, I heard a loud noise from a nearby tent, shortly followed by lots of swearing. They quietened down before I could get to them, so I didn't bother giving them a warning. I walked away from the group, just as their barbeque was dying down enough for them to cook their dinner on it and the rain started again.

As I was walking towards the field where most of the trouble is, a male approached me and asked the usual, "Do you work here?" I answered with the affirmative and he told me that he was having trouble sleeping, due to "a large group of youths" who were throwing a party in a minibus. I knew immediately who the group was and where their minibus was, so I told the gentleman that by the time he had crawled back into his sleeping bag, I would have taken care of it. As soon as I entered the field, I could hear the sound of a TV being played very loudly inside a minibus. As it was getting on for midnight, I walked straight over to the 'bus and slapped the palm of my hand against the drivers door several times, the door opened and a drunken "youth" attempted to focus on me. I warned them quite severely that if the TV wasn't turned off, then they would be leaving, due to the fact I had several complaints about the excessive levels of noise coming from them. Thankfully, the passenger was slightly more sober and assured me that they would turn it down, which he did. The door closed and I walked off, only to walk approximately six feet away, for the TV to be turned back on again. This time, I felt I had to be more direct. They were told to turn the TV off and head to bed; again they reluctantly agreed and closed the door. I stood at the rear of the 'bus, so that if they happened to look in their mirrors, they'd notice I wasn't going anywhere. When I heard the doors opening and "youths" heading towards the nearby tents, I walked around the field to ensure that they were going to bed and they would be quiet. Which, thankfully, they were. Although I did receive several complaints about them in the morning, but they were happy that I had intervened at an early stage and they had managed to get a decent night's sleep.

Later, as I was checking the amenities buildings, I noticed a small plastic tag on the floor of one building; I recognised it as being the security tag for the fire extinguisher which, when I looked towards the rather empty looking hook on the wall, was missing. I then recalled noticing a group running off from the building carrying something large and silver. The missing fire extinguisher. I checked the remaining amenities buildings and then walked over to the direction of the tents that I had previously heard the strange noise from earlier in the evening, as I was walking towards the tents, I noticed the fire extinguisher abandoned in the middle of another group of tents. Luckily I was in the field at the time, so I knew which tents had discharged it. I made a note of their number and found the corresponding vehicle in the car park.

As the end of the shift rolled around, I met the manager and told him what had happened during the night. After having me confirm which tent had set off the fire extinguisher, we piled into his car and drove around there. Given the fact that they had discharged it quite early in the morning, they wouldn't have got much sleep before the manager went over and gave them a rude awakening. I've often wondered what goes on when he says "Don't worry, I've had a word with them." or "They got an early morning call from me." Now I know and it's not good, the nearby tents, which were all just getting up had heard the disturbance and had gone outside their tents to watch. Of course, the group denied it and weren't too happy that they were given fifteen minutes to pack up and leave. However, after they had packed up, one of the group came in to apologise for what he'd done and duly left the site.

A-tea-tude Problem

Has it really been a month already, since I last made a blog post? I had been meaning to get around to it at some point, but I must have forgotten. Well, since I last updated the blog, the site has been pretty busy and there have been several bloggable points. I won't mention them all, because that would be spoiling you too much and you probably don't want to read a tome of a post, so I'll whittle it down to the more memorable moments on the park over the past few weeks.

It was half an hour before opening up time, so I was still wandering around the park in a daze, trying to find things to do to pass the time, when I heard a small argument taking place nearby. I could see from where I was that it involved a member of staff, so I decided to let them argue it out. After waiting about five minutes, I ventured round to open up the first amenities block, when I was stopped by a female.

"Excuse me, are you the warden?"
"Yes, is there a problem?"

I could tell by the location of the argument and the fact that there was nobody else awake at that time of the morning, that this was the person who had decided to pick a fight with a member of staff.

"Does that guy (pointing in the direction of a nearby caravan) work here?"
"Yes, he does."
"Right, well I want his name. I'm going to make a complaint about him."
"What seems to be the problem?"
"I was up early, because I couldn't sleep, so I decided to make a cup of tea. I was trying to find my teabags and milk in the car, and then this guy shouted at us."

It turns out that when I heard the first argument take place, that's when the member of staff had decided to shout at her for waking him up. Despite the fact that this staffer is known to sleep with earplugs in. So the female decided to confront him, to find out what his problem was.

When the female told me what the staffer had said to her, that he had come back at around 2am (remember this, it's important later) and was trying to sleep, as he had work in the morning. The female then told me that she thought she heard a female's voice inside the caravan, I tried not to laugh at this point, but when she said,

"Maybe he picked up an old tart in town and she wasn't giving him any. He's got an attitude problem."
"Well, to be honest, he's not the most cheerful of people at this time of the morning."

I had to try my hardest to stifle a chuckle. Shortly after finishing our conversation, I went to open up the amenities building, laughing heartily on the inside.

Just around clocking-off time, I spoke to the manager and warned him of the possible approach of a venomous Glaswegian with a complaint against a member of staff and that she wasn't happy at all. As I walked back around to chat to the day staff, the staffer came out of his caravan and walked past the two females. I only heard one side of the conversation, his.

"You shouldn't be on a campsite anyway"
(Raised voice)"Ya bastards!"

When he walked over, he started talking to me and asking if there were any problems during the night. I gave a brief recap of the events, to which he replied,

"I heard a group coming back, just before one, very noisy crowd. Any hassle with them?"

So, despite the fact that he told the two females he was out partying until two in the morning, he was, in fact, trying to sleep.

When I retold the story to one of the senior wardens, he laughed,

"The only 'old tart' he'll be getting, is an out-of-date bakewell tart from Tesco's."

Yes, there may be many things that he is, but a big spender, he is not. He is well known for heading off to the local supermarket, just before closing time, or even first thing in the morning, to see what bargains he can pick up.

I apologise for the lack of posts, I've been trying to catch up with countless other things, as well as try to get some sleep. I shall make more of an effort in the future, now that the busy season is starting to kick off.

My Sexy Legs.

There have been several changes on the park since last year, some of which are more noticeable than others. The more evident of these changes are the fact that the Park Manager, Alex, has left for pastures new and that the 'Silence Policy' is no longer enforceable. It is now my task to ensure the park is quiet, without using forceful tactics (ie. "Shut up, or you're leaving.") Despite these radical changes, I've decided that I shall be carrying my 'trusty steed' with me every night, should things turn ugly.

Not long after my return to the park this year, I was faced with a situation which sparked me to return to this blog. Something I thought I wouldn't be doing for a long while, but due to the high levels of madness I observe on the site, on an almost nightly basis, some things are too good to be kept to oneself.

Whilst walking through the sparsely populated tent field, I heard a lot of shouting coming from the direction of the Reception area. As it was after midnight, I decided to wander over and tell them to argue quietly. As I was walking over to that area, I saw a female staggering around amongst the trees and a male on the roadside. Whether they were playing a late-night version of 'Hide and go seek' is unclear, but they were shouting to each other, despite being only several feet away from each other. I shone my torch on the female, who was in a squatting position (thankfully she was just squatting), and I managed to count to ten seconds before she turned around. As I made my way over to her, she stood upright again. She obviously missed the episode of 'Ray Mears - Extreme Survival' when Ray dons a leopard-skin dress and heels to hide in the bushes of a campsite and warned the audience "DON'T try this at home." She clocked the bright yellow jacket and immediately spewed forth a tirade of verbal diarrhoea in a thick Mancunian accent. I tried to comprehend what she was saying, whilst walking back through the bushes to the male, but it was completely pointless. The only thing I could make out was "My legs, my sexy legs!" It was then I looked down and noticed that she had managed to scratch her legs quite badly after walking through a bush somewhere and they were bleeding a little.

The argument continued, with the male looking very sorry for himself and apologising for the amount of noise which was coming from the leggy leopard. I asked them both to quieten down as much as possible before heading off. As I left the shouting match behind, I walked towards Reception, only to be met by a vehicle driving towards me. I stood in the middle of the road to stop the car, only for the driver to swerve to one side, quickly followed by a sidestep from me to bring the vehicle to a sharp halt, inches from my shins. I walked over and questioned why the driver was moving his car around at this late hour, when he spoke I could smell the sickly sweet smell of alcopops on his breath, he told me he was moving his car next to his tent. I politely reminded him that he wasn't and to reverse back a few yards and park his car where it had sat all night. A mini-protest followed, and I shortly discovered why, but he reluctantly reversed his car at an angle, almost hitting one of the park vehicles, before turning the wheel sharply and reversing his rear wheel onto the grass. I could tell from the angle of his driving that he was on the grass and at each corner of that patch of grass, there are large rocks. It came as no surprise when I heard a loud crunching sound. He drove off rather quickly after that. When I looked at the car in the light of day, there was a nice dent in the wheel-arch where his shiny new car had met the large rock.

Ten minutes later, the shouting had recommenced, so I made my way over to the couple. The female was laying on a sun-lounger, with her "wounds" being tended to by a passing nurse. I arrived, torch in hand, to shed some light onto the situation. Even though the nurse was struggling to put the bandages on the mouthy Mancunian's legs, due to the female still verbally abusing her partner, I think she did a sterling job. After the nurse had left and the male, who was looking more sheepish by the second, had regained as much of his manhood as he could muster despite being called every name under the sun, I asked the couple to split for the evening and keep quiet. It was my understanding that the female would sleep in the tent and the male in his car.

I managed a complete lap of the park, partly because I had overlooked it for so long and partly as a lap of victory. However, it wasn't long before the male had found his way back to the tent and was in the process of being beaten by the young female, that I decided to call out the manager. I went over and tried to calm them down, the female then resorted to calling her partner a paedophile and that he should go back to his wife, to whom he has several children with. It was in the process of this argument, that I learned that the male was in his 40's and it was the females 18th birthday, although they have been together for two years. Just as I, and the rest of the tents in the vicinity, were about to get their entire life stories a powerful beam of light interrupted cut through the argument and the bearer of the high powered torch homed in on the female.

"Right, folks, you seem to be causing some disturbance. I'd advise you to shut up now."
"Wha', 'oo do you fink you is?"
"I'm the boss."

Not quite the approach Alex would have had, but I'd give his performance an eight out of ten for effort. After a lengthy debate, which involved 'the boss' driving the young female to the other side of the park to try and prevent her from causing another uproar and a severe talking-to to the sheepish male, quietness reigned upon the park once again.

Not ten minutes had passed when I met the male at the toilet block, who informed me that the female had calmed down and was now fast asleep in the 'warmth' of the tent. I told the male that it was fine by me, but if they started arguing again . . .

"...we'll be thrown off the park, yeah, I know. Sorry."

For the rest of the night they were quiet and even though they were due to stay with us for a few nights, the male went into Reception the next morning and apologised for the disturbance he and his partner had caused. He was looking forward to his few days away from home, but all he was leaving with was his ex-partner and a deep sense of utter embarrassment.

Still, it's nice to see that everything is normal on the site this year.

Sorry for the delay . . .

Well, after several months in hiatus, I've decided to restart this blog. You're probably all wondering why I stopped blogging in the first place. Well, there's a simple reason and a complex reason behind it. I think, for the purposes of this post, I'll explain the simple reason.

Last year there were several events around the time of my last post, which I can't go into, which could have given away my location and such. I decided rather than blogging about them, that I would stop for a while. I didn't intend to stop blogging completely, but after a while I became involved in other projects outside of work and I never got around to blogging again. Now that those projects have been put firmly on the back-burner for the time being, it is in my intentions to restart this blog again. This all depends on whether the past readers of the blog want it to continue or not. So leave comments and let me know if I should continue with my work or whether the blog should be fenced off for pitch regeneration works forever.

I have a few posts I have lined up to get back into the swing of things, but it would be pointless to post them if nobody is going to read them.