Implicit simplicity

It's been a rather dry few days, weather wise and also when it comes to things to blog about. There have been a number of small incidents which have occurred since the last time I wrote in this blog, but we'll come to that later.

It was a dry, calm and peaceful night on the park and nobody was making any noise, so I decided to stretch my legs a little and took a walk down towards the main road, a short distance away from the main entrance. Whilst I was at the main road, I heard a vehicle approaching, so I walked slowly back to the gates. I hadn't managed more than a few feet before the car was by my side.

"Can we get in?" enquired the passenger.
"Sorry, you're about an hour late." said I.
"Oh. So where do we park then?"
I looked at the several neatly parked cars at the main entrance, as they too had come back late and couldn't get back in, then I turned my head back towards the vehicle. I said nothing, as I didn't think it was deserved.
"So can we just park up in front of the gate then?" asked the passenger.
"No. You can park alongside the other parked vehicles." I said, slowly, "Unlike last night when you came back late and just opened the gates and drove onto the park."

The occupants said nothing to my remark, although I knew that it was them, as did they. I didn't think people were that stupid. The following morning I spoke to the head receptionist and thanked her and her team of reception staff for weeding out the trouble-makers and stopping them from booking in and asked if it was remotely possible that she could also weed out the simpletons too.

"Yes, but then you'd have an empty park."

She does have a point, I guess.

I apologise for the short post, but I'm working on a much larger and funnier one as you read this.

The Partybus

The past few weeks have been very quiet on the site with nothing of particular note to report. As the season starts to build, albeit very slowly, the troublemakers start to make their way to the surface. Normally they're pretty easy to spot, just by walking past and listening. There are also a few who escape under the radar, until it's very late at night. Last night was no exception, the group who were going to cause trouble made their presence known from very early in the night.

As I walked around the site at the start of my shift, in the pouring rain, I made a note of where all the tents were, so I didn't unnecessarily soak myself to the skin by wasting time later in the night walking round an empty field. There didn't appear to be any obvious troublemakers on the site, which is always a good thing. I managed to lock up all the amenities buildings and close the gates, before heading back around the site again. I had just left the gates when I heard a minibus pull up, so I went down to the corner nearest the gate, where I can see what's happening, but those at the gate can't see me. Luckily, they parked up and walked in reasonably quietly, apart from two of them. The two who stayed at the minibus pottered around for a while, before heading in to bed. A few moments later, a threesome of bikers pulled up at the gate and turned their engines off. I walked out to ensure that they weren't planning on leaving the bikes directly in front of the gate, they weren't. I spoke to one of the group who asked if they could push the bikes in, sans engines. I told them that they could, although I did feel sorry for the owner of the faster-looking bike, as his appeared to be twice as heavy as the others. With the bikers safely tucked up in their bed, I made my way around the park. As I came out of one of the fields, I noticed a group running from the toilets carrying something large and shiny. I couldn't make out what it was, so I followed them. Unfortunately, by the time I'd walked round, they were in their tents and silent.

Fortunately, the rain had subsided enough for a group of young guys to dig out the disposable barbeque and light it. I walked over to make sure that they were quiet and not going to hack down a sapling and sacrifice it over their disposable barbeque. As I was talking to the group, who were very talkative, I heard a loud noise from a nearby tent, shortly followed by lots of swearing. They quietened down before I could get to them, so I didn't bother giving them a warning. I walked away from the group, just as their barbeque was dying down enough for them to cook their dinner on it and the rain started again.

As I was walking towards the field where most of the trouble is, a male approached me and asked the usual, "Do you work here?" I answered with the affirmative and he told me that he was having trouble sleeping, due to "a large group of youths" who were throwing a party in a minibus. I knew immediately who the group was and where their minibus was, so I told the gentleman that by the time he had crawled back into his sleeping bag, I would have taken care of it. As soon as I entered the field, I could hear the sound of a TV being played very loudly inside a minibus. As it was getting on for midnight, I walked straight over to the 'bus and slapped the palm of my hand against the drivers door several times, the door opened and a drunken "youth" attempted to focus on me. I warned them quite severely that if the TV wasn't turned off, then they would be leaving, due to the fact I had several complaints about the excessive levels of noise coming from them. Thankfully, the passenger was slightly more sober and assured me that they would turn it down, which he did. The door closed and I walked off, only to walk approximately six feet away, for the TV to be turned back on again. This time, I felt I had to be more direct. They were told to turn the TV off and head to bed; again they reluctantly agreed and closed the door. I stood at the rear of the 'bus, so that if they happened to look in their mirrors, they'd notice I wasn't going anywhere. When I heard the doors opening and "youths" heading towards the nearby tents, I walked around the field to ensure that they were going to bed and they would be quiet. Which, thankfully, they were. Although I did receive several complaints about them in the morning, but they were happy that I had intervened at an early stage and they had managed to get a decent night's sleep.

Later, as I was checking the amenities buildings, I noticed a small plastic tag on the floor of one building; I recognised it as being the security tag for the fire extinguisher which, when I looked towards the rather empty looking hook on the wall, was missing. I then recalled noticing a group running off from the building carrying something large and silver. The missing fire extinguisher. I checked the remaining amenities buildings and then walked over to the direction of the tents that I had previously heard the strange noise from earlier in the evening, as I was walking towards the tents, I noticed the fire extinguisher abandoned in the middle of another group of tents. Luckily I was in the field at the time, so I knew which tents had discharged it. I made a note of their number and found the corresponding vehicle in the car park.

As the end of the shift rolled around, I met the manager and told him what had happened during the night. After having me confirm which tent had set off the fire extinguisher, we piled into his car and drove around there. Given the fact that they had discharged it quite early in the morning, they wouldn't have got much sleep before the manager went over and gave them a rude awakening. I've often wondered what goes on when he says "Don't worry, I've had a word with them." or "They got an early morning call from me." Now I know and it's not good, the nearby tents, which were all just getting up had heard the disturbance and had gone outside their tents to watch. Of course, the group denied it and weren't too happy that they were given fifteen minutes to pack up and leave. However, after they had packed up, one of the group came in to apologise for what he'd done and duly left the site.

A-tea-tude Problem

Has it really been a month already, since I last made a blog post? I had been meaning to get around to it at some point, but I must have forgotten. Well, since I last updated the blog, the site has been pretty busy and there have been several bloggable points. I won't mention them all, because that would be spoiling you too much and you probably don't want to read a tome of a post, so I'll whittle it down to the more memorable moments on the park over the past few weeks.

It was half an hour before opening up time, so I was still wandering around the park in a daze, trying to find things to do to pass the time, when I heard a small argument taking place nearby. I could see from where I was that it involved a member of staff, so I decided to let them argue it out. After waiting about five minutes, I ventured round to open up the first amenities block, when I was stopped by a female.

"Excuse me, are you the warden?"
"Yes, is there a problem?"

I could tell by the location of the argument and the fact that there was nobody else awake at that time of the morning, that this was the person who had decided to pick a fight with a member of staff.

"Does that guy (pointing in the direction of a nearby caravan) work here?"
"Yes, he does."
"Right, well I want his name. I'm going to make a complaint about him."
"What seems to be the problem?"
"I was up early, because I couldn't sleep, so I decided to make a cup of tea. I was trying to find my teabags and milk in the car, and then this guy shouted at us."

It turns out that when I heard the first argument take place, that's when the member of staff had decided to shout at her for waking him up. Despite the fact that this staffer is known to sleep with earplugs in. So the female decided to confront him, to find out what his problem was.

When the female told me what the staffer had said to her, that he had come back at around 2am (remember this, it's important later) and was trying to sleep, as he had work in the morning. The female then told me that she thought she heard a female's voice inside the caravan, I tried not to laugh at this point, but when she said,

"Maybe he picked up an old tart in town and she wasn't giving him any. He's got an attitude problem."
"Well, to be honest, he's not the most cheerful of people at this time of the morning."

I had to try my hardest to stifle a chuckle. Shortly after finishing our conversation, I went to open up the amenities building, laughing heartily on the inside.

Just around clocking-off time, I spoke to the manager and warned him of the possible approach of a venomous Glaswegian with a complaint against a member of staff and that she wasn't happy at all. As I walked back around to chat to the day staff, the staffer came out of his caravan and walked past the two females. I only heard one side of the conversation, his.

"You shouldn't be on a campsite anyway"
(Raised voice)"Ya bastards!"

When he walked over, he started talking to me and asking if there were any problems during the night. I gave a brief recap of the events, to which he replied,

"I heard a group coming back, just before one, very noisy crowd. Any hassle with them?"

So, despite the fact that he told the two females he was out partying until two in the morning, he was, in fact, trying to sleep.

When I retold the story to one of the senior wardens, he laughed,

"The only 'old tart' he'll be getting, is an out-of-date bakewell tart from Tesco's."

Yes, there may be many things that he is, but a big spender, he is not. He is well known for heading off to the local supermarket, just before closing time, or even first thing in the morning, to see what bargains he can pick up.

I apologise for the lack of posts, I've been trying to catch up with countless other things, as well as try to get some sleep. I shall make more of an effort in the future, now that the busy season is starting to kick off.

My Sexy Legs.

There have been several changes on the park since last year, some of which are more noticeable than others. The more evident of these changes are the fact that the Park Manager, Alex, has left for pastures new and that the 'Silence Policy' is no longer enforceable. It is now my task to ensure the park is quiet, without using forceful tactics (ie. "Shut up, or you're leaving.") Despite these radical changes, I've decided that I shall be carrying my 'trusty steed' with me every night, should things turn ugly.

Not long after my return to the park this year, I was faced with a situation which sparked me to return to this blog. Something I thought I wouldn't be doing for a long while, but due to the high levels of madness I observe on the site, on an almost nightly basis, some things are too good to be kept to oneself.

Whilst walking through the sparsely populated tent field, I heard a lot of shouting coming from the direction of the Reception area. As it was after midnight, I decided to wander over and tell them to argue quietly. As I was walking over to that area, I saw a female staggering around amongst the trees and a male on the roadside. Whether they were playing a late-night version of 'Hide and go seek' is unclear, but they were shouting to each other, despite being only several feet away from each other. I shone my torch on the female, who was in a squatting position (thankfully she was just squatting), and I managed to count to ten seconds before she turned around. As I made my way over to her, she stood upright again. She obviously missed the episode of 'Ray Mears - Extreme Survival' when Ray dons a leopard-skin dress and heels to hide in the bushes of a campsite and warned the audience "DON'T try this at home." She clocked the bright yellow jacket and immediately spewed forth a tirade of verbal diarrhoea in a thick Mancunian accent. I tried to comprehend what she was saying, whilst walking back through the bushes to the male, but it was completely pointless. The only thing I could make out was "My legs, my sexy legs!" It was then I looked down and noticed that she had managed to scratch her legs quite badly after walking through a bush somewhere and they were bleeding a little.

The argument continued, with the male looking very sorry for himself and apologising for the amount of noise which was coming from the leggy leopard. I asked them both to quieten down as much as possible before heading off. As I left the shouting match behind, I walked towards Reception, only to be met by a vehicle driving towards me. I stood in the middle of the road to stop the car, only for the driver to swerve to one side, quickly followed by a sidestep from me to bring the vehicle to a sharp halt, inches from my shins. I walked over and questioned why the driver was moving his car around at this late hour, when he spoke I could smell the sickly sweet smell of alcopops on his breath, he told me he was moving his car next to his tent. I politely reminded him that he wasn't and to reverse back a few yards and park his car where it had sat all night. A mini-protest followed, and I shortly discovered why, but he reluctantly reversed his car at an angle, almost hitting one of the park vehicles, before turning the wheel sharply and reversing his rear wheel onto the grass. I could tell from the angle of his driving that he was on the grass and at each corner of that patch of grass, there are large rocks. It came as no surprise when I heard a loud crunching sound. He drove off rather quickly after that. When I looked at the car in the light of day, there was a nice dent in the wheel-arch where his shiny new car had met the large rock.

Ten minutes later, the shouting had recommenced, so I made my way over to the couple. The female was laying on a sun-lounger, with her "wounds" being tended to by a passing nurse. I arrived, torch in hand, to shed some light onto the situation. Even though the nurse was struggling to put the bandages on the mouthy Mancunian's legs, due to the female still verbally abusing her partner, I think she did a sterling job. After the nurse had left and the male, who was looking more sheepish by the second, had regained as much of his manhood as he could muster despite being called every name under the sun, I asked the couple to split for the evening and keep quiet. It was my understanding that the female would sleep in the tent and the male in his car.

I managed a complete lap of the park, partly because I had overlooked it for so long and partly as a lap of victory. However, it wasn't long before the male had found his way back to the tent and was in the process of being beaten by the young female, that I decided to call out the manager. I went over and tried to calm them down, the female then resorted to calling her partner a paedophile and that he should go back to his wife, to whom he has several children with. It was in the process of this argument, that I learned that the male was in his 40's and it was the females 18th birthday, although they have been together for two years. Just as I, and the rest of the tents in the vicinity, were about to get their entire life stories a powerful beam of light interrupted cut through the argument and the bearer of the high powered torch homed in on the female.

"Right, folks, you seem to be causing some disturbance. I'd advise you to shut up now."
"Wha', 'oo do you fink you is?"
"I'm the boss."

Not quite the approach Alex would have had, but I'd give his performance an eight out of ten for effort. After a lengthy debate, which involved 'the boss' driving the young female to the other side of the park to try and prevent her from causing another uproar and a severe talking-to to the sheepish male, quietness reigned upon the park once again.

Not ten minutes had passed when I met the male at the toilet block, who informed me that the female had calmed down and was now fast asleep in the 'warmth' of the tent. I told the male that it was fine by me, but if they started arguing again . . .

"...we'll be thrown off the park, yeah, I know. Sorry."

For the rest of the night they were quiet and even though they were due to stay with us for a few nights, the male went into Reception the next morning and apologised for the disturbance he and his partner had caused. He was looking forward to his few days away from home, but all he was leaving with was his ex-partner and a deep sense of utter embarrassment.

Still, it's nice to see that everything is normal on the site this year.

Sorry for the delay . . .

Well, after several months in hiatus, I've decided to restart this blog. You're probably all wondering why I stopped blogging in the first place. Well, there's a simple reason and a complex reason behind it. I think, for the purposes of this post, I'll explain the simple reason.

Last year there were several events around the time of my last post, which I can't go into, which could have given away my location and such. I decided rather than blogging about them, that I would stop for a while. I didn't intend to stop blogging completely, but after a while I became involved in other projects outside of work and I never got around to blogging again. Now that those projects have been put firmly on the back-burner for the time being, it is in my intentions to restart this blog again. This all depends on whether the past readers of the blog want it to continue or not. So leave comments and let me know if I should continue with my work or whether the blog should be fenced off for pitch regeneration works forever.

I have a few posts I have lined up to get back into the swing of things, but it would be pointless to post them if nobody is going to read them.

Semi-Naked Party

Just when I thought that everything was going to plan and I was looking at another quiet night on the park, the smallest thing initiated a snowball of events. Who would have thought that a tick would cause so much hassle?

I was on my way to lock up one of the amenities buildings, when I was stopped by a female punter. She then informed me that her husband had a tick and wasn't sure how to remove it. I then went to their motorhome and spoke to the couple to find out how serious it was. When the male informed me that he had numerous other medical complaints, I advised him to go to the local hospital to have it removed there. The male was slightly wary, as he knew that the gates would be closing soon and was concerned about getting back into the park for the night. I reassured him that I was on all night and the chances of me hearing him coming back were quite high and I would have no problems with letting them back on. The couple then went to the hospital to have the tick removed.

After I had locked up the first amenities building, I was heading towards the second one, when I noticed a familiar figure walking around. It was the owner of the site. I eventually caught up with him and he informed me that he had heard a noise as he was passing and came to find out where it was coming from. I pointed out that there were two large groups in close proximity to each other and it may have been them. He thanked me for the information and headed around to where the groups were pitched.

I locked one door on the second amenities building and heard a lot of voices next door in the laundry facilities. When I opened the door, however, nothing could have prepared me for what lay before my eyes. A group of teenagers, male and female, wearing only their underwear. I told them that the facilities were now closed, it was ten past eleven. As they had just put their only clothes into the dryers, I agreed to let them have another ten minutes to make themselves decent and vacate the premises. After I had locked up the other side of the building, I went to close the gate. It was now 11.20pm. In all my time on the site, I don't think the gate has ever been closed as late as that before.

The rest of the night passed fairly quietly, with only one incident. A female, at half past one in the morning decided to let out a blood-curdling scream when she saw me approach because, according to her friends, she "thought I was a ghost".

Otherwise the park is busy, but generally quiet. Hopefully this spell will last until, at least, the end of the season.

School Holidays

Now that all the schools across the UK are now on holiday, this should be the time the campsite springs into life and is absolutely packed with punters. Except its not. OK, so there is one or two around, but it's hardly bursting at the seams.

I was pre-warned by Alex about a certain young group of males who were causing a nuisance on the site. Aside from kicking a football around outside the main reception area, much to Alex's annoyance, they were standing around outside the entrance to the shop asking everyone and anyone who entered to buy them cigarettes. Once Alex got wind of their little scheme, he sent them on their way. Only, he didn't see which way they went. I was then asked to track down three young males ("Two medium, one small") and find out which group they were with. Facing a near-impossible task, I set off around the park.

Apart from the little congregation which had gathered in one of the laundry rooms in the amenities block, the entire site was quiet. It remained that way for the entire night.

As it is 'that time of year', there are a lot of little baby rabbits running around the site. I would have counted them, had I not already been given an impossible task for the evening, but I decided against it. There is now one less baby rabbit running around on the campsite, no thanks to a dark brown cat. Whilst I was walking around one of the fields, I noticed the cat with something in its mouth. It was only when I got closer to the cat that I noticed the grey, furry thing hanging limply from its mouth was one of the baby rabbits. The ironic thing is; the cat had one of those bells to alert birds to the fact a cat was nearby. The baby rabbit must have been transfixed by the jangling, that it was an easy target for the cat. I did chase it, but it kept its breakfast at all times.

Other than that, it was a peaceful night all round.

Back once again.

For those of you who thought I had given up the blog, you were very wrong. I had a few loose ends that I had to tie up and had to take some time out from the blogging game. So for those of you who are still checking the site from time to time, thank you. Let me update you on what has happened over the past month on the site.

Bryan, the night warden, has left to pursue other interests. He lasted two weeks. Never fear, as he was replaced within the week (meaning that I didn't miss my days off) by the new night warden, Martin. He seems fairly confident so far, but only time will tell.

Other than that, it has been a very quiet season so far. There have been the occasional little bits of fun here and there, but to recall each and every one of them would take forever. I shall start to blog once more, starting from today, and I will make every effort to continue until the park closes its gate in a few months time.

Quiet Riot

There's nothing worse than having to deal with the aftermath of an incident, when you weren't aware of the incident taking place and having to explain yourself to punters. It doesn't happen very often, but when it does it makes you think that you weren't doing your job well enough. At least I have a reasonable excuse for not hearing the incident; I was on shift with Bryan last night. It looks like I tuned him out and also any other noise on the site. Again he talked for the entire shift. He also saw a UFO when I was off this week, so that goes to show what kind of person I have to spend almost ten hours of my day with.

With everything locked up, albeit ten minutes later due to Bryan's incessant ramblings, I decided to walk around with him to make sure he spoke to people in the correct manner and that he was settling into the job. Unfortunately, when he spoke to the occupants of a tent, he wasn't introducing himself. When I corrected him, he made a vague attempt at a joke about it and no matter what I said; he couldn't understand why he had to introduce himself to them when he spoke to the occupants of a noisy tent. It was because of this, that I had to walk around with him for the duration of the shift.

The whole evening passed by without having to speak to anyone more than once. There was no rioting going on, which we were aware of, bearing in mind that no matter whereabouts you are on the site, you will hear someone coughing, let alone having a full-scale domestic. So it came as a bit of a surprise when a small male with a mullet haircut (I think that this was more surprising than anything else) and very thick glasses, which made his eyes appear to be huge, approached us outside the office within the last hour of the shift.

"Do you have a postbox?" he asked.
"Yes, just around the front." I replied.

A few minutes later, he reappeared still clutching his hand-written note to Alex. When he asked for a postbox (as you and I would assume would be a run-of-the-mill Royal Mail postbox) he was actually looking for a letterbox at reception. When he couldn't find one, he returned and voiced his complaint to us. Naturally we were both concerned, as we hadn't heard anything. Had I been on my own last night, I am pretty certain I would have heard something. After Mr. Mullet had left, I read his letter to Alex. After trying to read his illegible note and trying to ascertain what had happened, things started to fall into place in my mind.

After we had cleaned up one amenities block, a female went in to use the facilities. Normally, no matter what time of the morning they usually say hello or something not entirely dissimilar. This woman said nothing. As we walked to the second amenities block, I heard a vehicle engine starting up and as I scanned the park, I noticed a white estate car driving around the park. Bearing in mind this was at around half past four in the morning and it was a diesel engine. When the car got to the junction where it could turn left for the main entrance or right for a highly populated tent field, I was surprised when it turned to the right. With myself and Bryan blocking the road, the driver (the female who had been in the previous amenities block and said nothing to us) attempted to drive around us. Now, regardless of the time of morning, you would notice two people blocking the road dressed in fluorescent coats. When she did stop the vehicle, she informed us of her intention to drive around the densely populated tent field a few times to warm up her car as she was a bit cold. Showing a blatant disregard for her fellow campers, we told her to go back to her tent and park up, turn the engine off and go back to sleep. When she parked up, I heard the engine being switched off (This is an important part, remember this).

We continued to tidy up the amenities block and moved onto the third one. I noticed a male and his young daughter packing up their tent, bearing in mind there was still an hour to go before the gates opened, so we went to have a word with him. He came across as very arrogant and facetious. As soon as we were out of his line of sight, but we could see him quite clearly from our vantage point, he drove down to the gate. I pointed out to Bryan that we had asked him to not move the vehicle on the site until after six o'clock. Because he had ignored this, it was to be his downfall.

As we were checking the female toilets, a male stood outside and shouted into us. Now, I had noticed this male not ten minutes previously running to the toilet and back to his motorhome (which isn't unusual, as the sunrise is very early and consequently it brightens early too so people think that it's later than it actually is.) He told us that he had to start a challenge at 5:30am and needed to get out. Bryan looked at me, and I at him, I gave a slight nod and he went to let them out.

Now, you'll have noticed this in your everyday lives and it was certainly very evident last night, the "snowball effect" isn't something I enjoy before six o'clock. Whenever punters hear someone driving around, and they also wanted to leave early, they will then proceed to do so. Two vehicles drove down to the gate before six, but explain this: when we opened the gate at six, there was only one waiting and the gate had not been opened.

After receiving the letter from Mr. Mullet, who had very helpfully noted down the vehicle registration number in his letter, we decided to have a walk around to see if we could find it. I knew in the back of my mind that the angry estate-car driver was one of the spokes in the riot. We walked around and I mentioned, in passing, to Bryan, "What's the bet that it's the woman we stopped earlier?" I found the vehicle in question, glanced at the registration number and, lo and behold, they matched.

As we approached the vehicle, I checked to see which tent was theirs and to see when they were leaving. The vehicle was in the car park, with both of the occupants asleep and the engine running. It was now seven o'clock and it had been like this since around 5.30am, if Mr. Mullet is to be believed. A female, from the tent directly opposite the car, approached us and asked if we were "in authority." She then told us her version of the story, which made it seem like we had missed World War Three. I think, and I can sympathise with her entirely, from her perspective that because she had her young family with her and they were all subjected to a verbal onslaught of varying degrees of expletives from around 9pm the previous evening, she wasn't entirely happy. We assured her that, with her complaint and others received, they would be getting a rude awakening and being asked to leave very early. She seemed happy with this outcome, as she and her family were due to stay with us for another few nights.

Bryan walked over to the vehicle, and I stood in front of it (it's a little trick to ensure that the first thing they see when they wake up is the jacket and think they are in more serious trouble), he knocked on the window and the male woke up, turned the engine off and was then asked by Bryan to keep the engine off. He agreed, closed the car door and went back to the land of slumber.

So it was, by all accounts, an eventful night. It's just a shame that because of Bryan's incessant talking that I missed the signs of the quietest riot known to have occurred.

I'm not dead!

If you believe for one second that I haven't had any trouble on the site for the past two weeks, then you're very much mistaken. I just haven't had the chance to write it all down in blog form, so I'll give you a quick rundown of what I've had to deal with and then deal with the latest happenings on the site.

• The owners of a large estate car who decided to ignore the 'Please do not park on the grass' signs and drive across a protected wildlife area in order to park next to their tent. When I asked them to move, at 2230hours, they were very reluctant to do so. They then went in and complained the next morning to Alex that I had; a.) Shaken their tent wildly and shouted very loudly in order to wake them up (they were already awake, so no shaking/shouting took place) b.) Told them to move the car at midnight, which was 'well after the silence policy' and 'totally unacceptable' (they were actually asked to move at 2230hrs, well before the silence policy and completely acceptable.) Luckily Alex had already read my report and told them to 'go away'.
• Numerous fires involving various substances, none of which were allowed.
• Offered a bottle of Stella Artois (classy, I know) by a young lad, who didn't look any older than 12. His parents thought that this was hilarious, that shows what kind of family they were.
• Singing drunks making their way back from town. Telling them to be quiet and then being propositioned to fight by one of them. Half an hour later, I then received a complaint from a neighbouring tent about the noise levels from the singing drunks.
• Getting promoted from a PC to a Detective by the aforementioned singing drunks. It's amazing how anyone with a fluorescent jacket is automatically thought of as Police.
• Having to ask a group of males to quieten down twice in the space of 300 yards.
• Holding up the Army as they tried to leave the site at five in the morning with three minibuses and two cars. They were due to start a challenge at five, but due to my interfering and being generally annoyed by them, they didn't stop arguing until five thirty, when I finally let them out. They budgeted for around £50 for all of them; the final total was more than double that. They lied about the number of people/vehicles/tents they had, when they didn't realise that I went round and counted up every tent and vehicle for the report.

On top of all that, I now have an assistant. His name is Bryan and on his first shift, he talked the entire night. Now that he is trained up, he's out on his own and I look forward to my nights off. I promise that posting on a regular basis will return to normal very soon.

You're having a laugh!

The other night there was three tents pitched next to each other, although they weren't a group, but they did act as though they were. It was these three tents which made me have to call Alex out of his bed at half past two in the morning.

When they all arrived back, I reminded them of the silence policy. They didn't all arrive back at once though.

The first two came back at around one o'clock, were fairly reasonable. Although I had to ask them to turn the music off as there were people trying to sleep nearby and it was causing a disturbance. Ten minutes later and their neighbours arrived back. I gave them the obligatory ten minutes to quieten down, which they didn't, so I had to go and have a word with them again.

As I approached the tent, from behind, they had the music on again (its times like these, I wish I were allowed to forcibly remove the batteries or throw the stereo into the river). Again I asked them to quieten down, to which one male replied,

"I came on holiday and I'm not allowed to have fun?"
"Not at half one in the morning you're not."

Then, as I was walking off, another male shouted,

"Yeah. Goodbye now!"

I've learned from experience to just walk away and ignore them. Luckily, a few cars arrived back, so I went down to the gate to greet them and remind them of the silence policy, etc.

Part of the returning party was the final tent in the non-group who were causing a disturbance.

After I had dealt with the vehicles that had pulled into the car park, I noticed that a taxi was still parked at the gate. I walked over to the driver's side window and enquired if everything was OK. Apparently it wasn't. The final group of the 'non-group' had got out of the taxi and had pulled the old trick of,

"I'm just going to go and get some money."

And not return. Unfortunately for the runaways, one of them had left their, rather expensive looking, mobile phone in the taxi. I stood and spoke with the driver and made the usual enquiries and general small-talk. After about ten minutes, no one came back to pay the fare, so the driver informed me that if he wanted his mobile phone back, he'd have to go to the Police Station and admit to taking the taxi without paying for it, just to get his phone back.

After the taxi left, I went back up to check on the group. It came as no surprise to find that they had the music on again. As soon as they saw me coming, they turned it off. I asked them to ensure that the music stayed off, as it was almost two in the morning, this brought the replies of; "Music? What music?" and "We weren't playing music." I felt that this was just cause for bringing a sleepy, angry Alex out to have a word in their collective ears. When I told them that the Park Manager would be called, they protested, "You're having a laugh!", "You're joking" etc.

They didn't see the funny side when Alex went to have a word with them though and when he ejected one of the tents at eight o'clock the following morning.

~ The following night, when they arrived back, one of them asked me if I "was up for a game of Frisbee later on." I politely reminded him that if he tried it, I would personally remove him and his gang of reprobates from the park. ~

At around three in the morning, two males returned from the town suitably refreshed. Refreshed enough to hardly be able to stand up, let alone walk. After speaking to them several times within the space of one-hundred yards about the noise levels, I followed them to their tent. They were drunk enough to go in, fall over and be out like a light. However, half an hour later when I was walking around the park, I heard one of the males in the tent utter:

"I think I'm going to be sick!"

To which came no reply. This was closely followed by the sound of projectile vomiting (bear in mind this was a rather small two-man tent). Nevertheless, his drunken cohort was fast asleep and blissfully unaware that he had just been vomited upon by his friend.

Nice to see karma making a reappearance this season . . .

Angry Neighbours

As I arrived on site, I knew that I was going to have an interesting night. Partly due to the fact that once I had boiled the kettle in the office, I heard an almighty bellow coming from one of the fields. Sadly, I wasn't on shift, so I couldn't (and wouldn't) do anything about it.

After finishing my coffee, I decided to venture out into the unknown territory of the site. By the time I had walked around and noted down who I thought was going to cause trouble, it was time to lock up for the night. Once everything was secure, I heard a familiar sounding bellow from one of the tent fields. I made my way over there and quickly discovered which tent was making the noise. They were told to quieten down with immediate effect, which they reluctantly did so . . . for about five minutes.

As I was leaving the field, I noticed someone walking in. The walk was familiar and when they spoke, I recognised the voice immediately. It was the Assistant Park Manager. Apparently, the tent opposite the one I had just spoken to, had called him out. The occupants of the tent were trying to get their young child to sleep, but because of the incessant noise coming from the opposite tent, their attempts were failing miserably. The complainant then went across to the group and asked them to quieten down, as he was attempting to get his child to sleep. His protestation was met with a response of, "Fuck off!" When he realised they weren't going to be quiet, he called the Assistant Park Manager out. After he had spoken to them, they headed towards the toilet block. Generally this means they are going to get ready for bed and call it a night. We left them to it.

About two hours later, a taxi pulled up at the entrance and out fell the group who were making a noise. They had evidently run out of alcohol and had gone to town in search of more. I asked them to be as silent as possible when going through the park and when they got into their tent. I knew from the outset that they wouldn't adhere to park protocol, so I followed them to their tent.

By the time they had got there, they were still making a lot of noise. I decided to give them their final warning. This is usually enough to make the majority of the punters shut up and go to bed. There are a small minority who go against the grain. Can you guess which category this group fell into?

As they weren't showing any signs of quietening down and going to bed, with no regard to the fact there was a family with small children opposite them and it was fast approaching two in the morning, I decided to call Alex.

I was to approach the tent with the talk button keyed on the radio, to enable Alex to hear the conversation which ensued. Unfortunately this idea didn't go according to plan, as one of the group was lying half-in and half-out of the tent telling the other members of the party to quieten down whenever he saw me approaching. Sadly though, he was only watching the road entrance to the field. There are other ways in.

I approached the tent from behind, with the radio button keyed, and asked them to quieten down as the Park Manager had been called and if they weren't silent within two minutes, they would be ejected from the site. This seemed to do the trick, as they were silent within one minute of me talking to them.

Steady Increase

Over the past three days, the site has gone from very quiet to fairly busy. I can only presume that when I go in tonight that it will be busier still. No matter how busy the site gets at this time of year, I am out there on my own. So I'll apologise in advance if I seem aggressive. You'd think it was understandable under these circumstances.

As I pulled into the site last night, I was overwhelmed by the smell of burning wood. So much so, that I started my shift earlier than usual, yet I won't be paid or given any thanks for doing so. I decided to find the source of the fire, which wasn't too difficult. When I arrived at the tent, I was met by three young males. I asked them to put the fire out and waited there until they had done so. After that, it was time for a quick walk around the site to see where the troublemakers were pitched and back to the office to pick up the lock for the gate. Obviously, I'm used to starting later than this, so when I checked the time as I left the office, I was quite surprised to find that I still had another half an hour before the gates were due to be locked.

I walked around the site several times, once I had locked the gates, and focussed my attention on one tent that were making a lot of noise, oblivious to the fact there were several tents in close proximity to theirs. I asked them to quieten down; they heard me but continued with their conversation. I reminded them that "Now means now." and they got the hint, for the time being. When I returned to their tent, about half an hour later, they were all crowded in the entrance of the tent, talking loudly and pointing skywards. I made my presence known, which they ignored, and asked them to quieten down for the second time otherwise the manager would be called out and they would be asked to leave, tonight. One of the group said, "I think he wants us to shut up and go to bed." Which they did. Eventually.

By this time, Alex had shouted me on the radio and was heading out to walk around the site with me for a while. Unfortunately it didn't last long, and I was soon alone again.

A quick walk to the reserved field to ask a group of males to quieten down, who informed me that they were just going to bed anyway. Experience has taught me well enough that when someone says this, they are 99.9% talking utter rubbish. Which is why I wasn't too surprised when I returned forty minutes later to give them a final warning, I could hear them clearly from two fields away, that they eventually shut up and went to their beds.

As I was walking around one of the tent fields, I heard a vehicle with its engine running, so I made my way over to it. Inside the car it was pitch black, except for the few lights on the dashboard, so it was impossible to tell if there was anyone inside it. I waited around near the vehicle to see if anyone would return to it. After a few minutes, a male exited the toilet block and made his way towards the car. I asked him if he was the owner of the vehicle, to which he replied the affirmative, so I asked him to turn the engine off. As he did so, the occupants of the tent opposite the vehicle voiced their thanks.

"Yay! Thank you!"

I was sorely tempted to give them permission to violently beat him, should he decide to switch the ignition on during the night. I didn't want to encourage them, so I left them to it silently laughing to myself.

Back in tonight, and I have been reliably informed that the site will be busier than last night.

Fire in the hole!

Campfires and anyone caught burning anything other than charcoal, will be facing a visit from yours truly. So, can anyone explain to me why I had to visit three tents last night, who were all burning wood? The coincidence on this occasion was that all three were in the same field within yards of each other. It proclaims quite clearly in the site rules, of which everyone is given when they book in, that campfires are prohibited.

I noticed the first one, mainly due to its size, as soon as I had left the comfort of the office. I didn't want to go directly there, as this is usually when people become very defensive. So I decided to go the "scenic" route. This way I'd be able to sneak up on them from behind and appear from the shadows and catch them off-guard. I've found that this is the most effective way, as most people are unprepared for anyone appearing from behind their tent and usually comply with any instructions they are given.

As I approached, I could tell by the scent that the punters were burning tree-branches. I asked the male to put the fire out and that wood fires were prohibited on the site. He seemed genuinely apologetic, but this was down to the fact he had been caught off-guard. As I stood there, ensuring that he put the fire out, his wife/girlfriend/partner decided to shoot me a few dirty looks. All of which were ignored. I felt something brush past my leg and heard panting, blindly I put my hand down and petted the dog which was at my side. As I looked down, I noticed the animal wasn't on a leash, the male was then asked a further question, "Is this your dog?" to which the affirmative was replied, I then asked him to put it on a leash. He apologised, again, and did so. It was only when he called the dog over to him and it was in the light of the tent, that I realised I had been blindly petting a rottweiler.

The second group, were huddled under a tarpaulin with a charcoal barbeque with added branches. I approached them from the side, almost getting attacked by a tree in the process, and asked them to put out the fire. I briefly explained the rules regarding fires, which went unnoticed, and was told by the male that he had found the branches 'over there'. On a campsite, more specifically my site, there is no shortage of trees. So pointing out to me which tree you stripped, is of no relevance to myself. They reluctantly put out the fire and I walked off.

I hadn't walked much more than ten feet or so, when I came across a small stone fireplace, still smouldering, in the car park. As there was no one near it, I decided to use the conveniently placed bottle of water to extinguish the remains of the fire. From the contents of the fireplace, it appears they were burning paper or a similar material. This is, again, on the list of 'Things which shouldn't be used on the site.' As I walked off, a male exited the toilet block and made his way towards me, we exchanged pleasantries and I continued on my way. When I got to the bottom of the field, I turned around. The male who had exited the toilets as I was putting the remains of the fire out, was surveying the scene, before getting into his tent. It would appear that this punter was the firestarter.

Aside from that, the rest of the night passed very quickly with nothing of note happening. I read, and finished, an entire book, it was that quiet.

Just Say NO!

On hindsight, that could have saved me from becoming very stressed the other night.

It started off quiet enough, but soon descended into madness. At around a quarter to midnight, a minibus pulled up at the gate, realised it was closed so they parked up in the bays provided. I went down to the gate to investigate what was going on. They had apparently phoned up earlier in the evening and had been told that it was OK and they could arrive whenever they wanted, as there was a Night Warden on duty to let them onto the park. Once the driver had verified that I was the Night Warden, he asked if I could open the gate so he and the other fifteen members of his party could pitch their tents. I told him that the gates were locked at 11pm and he was almost an hour too late to get onto the site. Initially, I wasn't happy to let such a large crowd onto the park at this late hour, so I radioed Alex to find out if he knew anything about them. Unsurprisingly, he didn't and told me to inform them of the various other car parks in the area, as they weren't going to be sleeping here tonight. They weren't happy at this decision and asked to speak to Alex. I would have loved to drag him all the way down to the site, only to watch the fireworks which would undoubtedly follow, then watching them leave the site. One of the group had friends on the site and asked me if it was OK for him to go on the park. I was fine with this, under certain circumstances. Those were that he slept in his friend’s tent and if I caught him pitching his own tent, then he would be removed from the site with a Police escort.

A short while later, a large four wheel drive vehicle pulled into the car park. I spoke to the female driver, who informed me that they had just driven for several hours and weren't aware the gates would be locked. She had her husband and two young children with her; I trusted my instinct and let them onto the park. After I had told them the various rules and regulations, I was walking off and her two young children, both of them, said "Thank you." Their parents did not utter a word. They were quiet for the rest of the night and they even extended their stay on the site for a few days.

I walked around the site, ensuring that everyone was quiet and nothing untoward was happening whilst I had been distracted by the late arrivals. I then heard another vehicle at the entrance, so I made my way down to ensure all was well.

As I reached the gate, a young couple got out of their vehicle and walked towards the entrance. They asked me if they could pitch their tent for the night. I gave them a quick glance up and down and decided to let them onto the park. I gave them a quick lecture about the rules and regulations, which they were happy with, and pointed to the area next to the family, who had arrived about half an hour prior to them. I walked towards reception to ensure they knew where to pitch their tent and that everything was in order.

They stood there for a few moments, before heading over to where the family's tent was and walked past it. So far past it, they were heading into the caravan section. I walked over to them and asked them to pitch up next to the two tents which were there already. The female apologised and said they were "lost." I sighed (I have to stop sighing at people, it's becoming a habit) and pointed to the two tents and said, "Just pitch next to them."

I decided to take a walk around the park, as I thought I had heard a disturbance, which turned out to be nothing. When I arrived back, the family was settling down for the night, yet the young couple was nowhere to be seen. I looked around, in all directions, and then I noticed a light at the bottom of the caravan field. I knew that it was the young couple immediately, so I headed off down towards them. Again I asked them to pitch next to the other two tents, and then I walked off towards reception. When I got there, I turned around and noticed them about to set up their tent in the middle of the caravan field, nowhere near the other two tents. I walked quickly over to them and asked if there were any problems (they were British, so there were no language barriers which it could be blamed on). The female told me that they had "heard voices" from the other two tents and didn't want to disturb them by setting up their tent.

I was quickly losing patience.

I instructed them to pitch next to the other two tents and left them to it. My stress levels were becoming quite high, so I decided to calm down by taking a walk around the site. When I came back, they were nowhere to be seen. I then noticed two figures heading into another of the tent fields. My instinct told me that it was them. I took a shortcut and headed after them. When I stopped them, they were quite surprised. I asked them if they were lost again and they informed me that they were going to "find our mates." I assured them there would be plenty of time for that in the morning and sent them back to pitch their tent.

After a quick coffee break, which was urgently required, I went back out to check on them and they had pitched their tent, although it wasn't next to the other two. The point is, they pitched it in the correct field and they were getting ready for bed.

Next time, anyone who tries this trick, won't get away so easily. If they can't follow a simple instruction then they will be asked to leave immediately.

Psycho's wear mittens

Despite walking around the field, at the complete opposite end of the park, I still managed to get a smell of burning wood. So I had to make my way quickly to the other side of the site to the reserved field. As soon as I walked into the field, I noticed a small fire on the ground in the bottom corner of the field. Approximately thirty seconds after I had entered the field, I was stood next to two foreigners (I checked the registration number on their vehicle) asking them to put the fire out immediately. They protested, in their native language and broken English, but I was persistent and made them put the fire out. I then asked to see their ticket, which would clarify if they were allowed to pitch in the reserved field, but unsurprisingly they didn't have one. I sighed, maybe out loud I can't remember, and asked them to pack up their tent and move to the adjoining field. Again they protested and informed me that they had spoken to someone when they arrived and they had told them that they could pitch anywhere they wanted, although through broken English it did sound like the "warden" told them to specifically pitch in the extreme bottom corner of the reserved field, and pay in the morning. During this confrontation, I noticed a motorhome driving past and pulling into our driveway. Obviously I can't be in two places at once, so I let the motorhome drive back out again and head up the road. Eventually, they got the message and began to pack up their tent and, at my specific request; they leave their vehicle there and move it in the morning.

I decided to leave them to pack up and headed up the road, off site, to find the motorhome. My original intention, as it wasn't after midnight, was to let them back onto the site (if they had a valid ticket and pitch). But, by the time I had left the suspicious foreigners and made my way to the opposite side of the park (again) and further up the road, they were nowhere to be found. Mind you, I only checked one place. If they weren't there, I wasn't going to keep walking until I found them. When I noticed they weren't at the usual place, I thought "Out of sight, out of mind" and headed back to the site.

I got there just in time to see the foreign vehicle driving from their original pitch to the adjoining field. I was about to remind them of what I had asked them not to do, but figured it was too late. I then noticed someone else walking out of the reserved field, so I went to see who it was. It was one of the day wardens, whose garden backs onto the reserved field; he'd smelled the smoke and came out to see if he could help. I explained the situation to him and he left.

After about half an hour, the site was very quiet and it remained that way until I decided to take my break.

As fate would have it, that's when things start to happen. I was sitting there, with my coffee and book (watching News 24 bores me rigid, something I discovered last year), when I heard footsteps. As I had just made my first coffee of the night, I wasn't about to let it go cold for no good reason, so I put my head out of the door and noticed two shadows heading into the toilet block. Satisfied that everything was in order, I sat back down again and continued reading. A short while later, I heard the footsteps again, heading back in the direction they originated from. By this point my coffee was almost finished so I took one last mouthful, grabbed the torch and headed out into the cold April morning.

I noticed the two shadows heading up towards one of the tent fields, so I headed off in that direction, at a distance, to observe what they were up to. I got to the entrance of the field and stopped, observing the shadows and the field in general. The shadows had taken on a particularly annoying game of "Blind the Warden" with their torch. They continued this game until they got to their tent. Once they had finished playing "Blind the Warden," they acted very suspiciously around a particular tent. I wasted no time in walking over to them.

As I approached, the male recommenced his game of "Blind the Warden" combined with shouting, "Could you not shine the torch in my eyes please." To which I responded, "The feeling's mutual." He then repeated what he said, as did I. I explained to him who I was and why I was there. I then shone the torch on his tent and didn't see a ticket, so I asked him to produce it for me. It was at this point he took a particular dislike to my eyebrows or something, as he became very aggressive. He validated my thoughts, by asking me to "take a step back from him" and the fact that he had no idea who I was by saying, "there are a lot of evil fucking people in this world." I agreed with him and asked him to keep quiet, as it was three in the morning and there are people nearby trying to sleep. Again, he took offence to this by saying, "I have no fucking idea who you are, you'd better fuck off now or I'll report you, you weirdo." I walked off, laughing on the inside, to the nearest light source so I could note down the tent details and ticket reference for my report in the morning. After I had done so, I walked off only to hear the male shouting, "Yeah. Night Night! NIGHT NIGHT!" I sighed to myself but continued walking around the field. I waited on the other side of the field for a few minutes, before heading back round in the direction of his tent, to ensure all was peaceful.

As I walked up, quite some distance away from his tent, I could hear him telling the person inside the tent, "He's coming back, he's coming back." The person was asking him to quieten down and come to bed, all to no avail. As I got nearer, his voice became louder, I had to revisit him. I cut across the field and put the torch on that area, nobody told me there was such a thing as a 'light-activated-fool'. He reminded me of those plastic flowers which were sound activated, only he was activated by light, not just any light but he held a strong preference for my torch. As soon as I shone the torch on him, he started shouting loudly, with frequent swearing. I asked him to quieten down and even gestured for him to do so with my hands (something I have never had to do before, but it's not every night we have a psycho). When I realised that no amount of asking or gesturing was going to quieten him down, I threw in the towel and walked off.

Now, here's the important factor. Alex is currently off work at the moment, so I had to call out one of the day wardens. I knew for a fact that if Alex wasn't off, he would not have hesitated to kick him off the site. Any of the other wardens would adopt the more 'softly-softly' approach.

I called the day warden and explained the situation to him and he assured me he would be up in ten minutes. I walked slowly down to the gate and waited for him to arrive. When he did, I explained the situation to him and we both walked up to the entrance to the field. The tent was in darkness and strangely quiet. As we walked back down towards to the gate, having given up all hope I noticed a familiar shadow heading out of one of the other tent fields and down towards the main reception area. I told the day warden that he was probably the one we were looking for, and it was. He noticed us and marched, literally, over to us. As soon as he saw that there were two of us, he commenced his tirade of verbal diarrhoea.

The day warden attempted to quieten him down, yet he was intent on irritating us both. It was at this point that I noticed he was dressed entirely in black, like a Police armed response person, yet he had woollen mittens on with a Christmas design. Also, there wasn't a pupil in his eye. My original thoughts had been confirmed, he was obviously out of his tree on something narcotic. As the day warden accompanied him back to his tent, I went to have a quick break.

The rest of the night passed as peacefully as it had arrived, with nothing of note happening.

Normal Service Resumed

It seemed like I wasn't going to get back into the normal routine for another few weeks, but as last night proved, I was very wrong. Last night was one of those nights which made me remember all the good things from last year, as last night was officially the night which set into concrete, that I am in charge.

As I was walking around the site, on my preliminary check, I noticed a large group of punters making their way back to their tents. It wasn't the number that drew my attention to them; it was the fact that they were making a lot of noise. I stood behind their tents, far enough away to hear every spoken word, yet close enough to make my presence clear. They did notice me and the drunken "sssh"'s started. I left them to it, as I had the rest of the site to check.

Because they had distracted me from my preliminary check, I was late getting back to reception. When I checked the time, I had to about-turn and go lock up. After I had locked everything, I made my way back to the large group and noticed they were still up and about, and making a lot of noise. I intervened in my usual fashion and asked them to quieten down. They apologised, believe me this is a rare occurrence in itself, and I went over to speak to another large group.

I walked around the site again and had to wake someone up who had fallen asleep with their radio on. I asked them to turn it off, which they did, and I continued on my way. I did notice what I believed to be a male heading into the female toilet block, so I walked over and opened the door and my original sense was confirmed. There was a male in the female toilet block.

"Right you, out."
"Oh, sorry."

As the male was walking out, I pointed to the picture on the door which confirmed that this entrance was for female punters only.

"See that? Female."
"I did notice that."
"You noticed it and still went in?"
"Yyyyyyyyeah..."
"OK"

I left him to it at that point, as I realised any further conversation was, more than likely, going to confuse him further.

I returned to check on the large group to ensure they were quiet and were heading off to their beds. When I got there, I couldn't have been further from the truth. They were heading to their beds, but hadn't quite grasped the concept of complete silence which is required. One tent in particular was more boisterous than the others.

"This is your second warning. If I have to come back here again, you will all be leaving. (pause) Tonight."

I reckon that all the tents in the group heard me, as a deathly silence fell upon that particular area. Sadly though, I didn't return to throw all ten of them off.

Pick and Mix

I had a bad feeling as I approached the campsite last night, there was something in the air that told me to be wary and that tonight wasn't going to be an easy night. Don't get me wrong, it started off pretty sedately, everything was peaceful and there was not a sound to be heard. Then I left the office.

After a quick walk around the site, almost being run over by a speeding Swede (not a high velocity vegetable, but an actual Swedish national driving a Volvo) and making a mental note of where all the tents were and who I suspected were going to cause problems. Once I was happy, I stood outside the reception to pass the time for five minutes, when I noticed a vehicle slowing down and turning into the driveway. I knew instantaneously that it wasn't a taxi, as they never slow down for that corner and never cruise up the driveway at a relaxed pace. As the vehicle approached, I noticed the light bar on the roof. It was my old friends, from last season, the Police. They turned the car around and stopped by me. Turns out they weren't at the site for any reason, they were just passing the time and stopped to see who the night warden this year was. Once they realised that it was myself, they drove off. Time was moving on, so I returned to the office to pick up the lock for the gate and went back out to start locking up the showers and laundry facilities.

Once everything was secure, I heard a vehicle drive down from the restaurant, turn in the car park at the entrance and then drive back in that direction. By the time it took me to walk the few hundred yards from the second block to the reception, the driver had completed that lap twice. I was, naturally, suspicious of this behaviour, so I went into the caravan field nearest the road to see if I could see the vehicle and hopefully get it's registration number. Just as I approached the fence, the vehicle headed in my direction. I ran to the fence and arrived just in time to see it drive past. It turns out it was the restaurant manager's car. What he was up to, I don't know. Curiosity satisfied, I made my way back towards reception. As I was walking back through the caravan field, I heard a van start up and proceed to drive towards the exit. Knowing full well that the gates were locked, I walked at my usual relaxed pace towards the gates, where I met the van. Which, by this point, had started to reverse away from the gate. The driver stopped when they noticed my fluorescent jacket heading in their direction. Nothing, and I mean that sincerely, could have prepared me for what happened next.

As I approached the van, the driver would down her window and said,

"I'm sorry, *name deleted* didn't tell me the gates were locked at night."
"Well, the rules do state that no vehicles should be moving about on the site after Eleven o'clock."
"Can I get out?"
"Sure."
"I know your face."

I knew, from the moment I saw her, who she was. It's a shame that she didn't recall me. Obviously, I'd divulge all the details. Maybe I'll come back to this post one day.

After I had secured the gates, I went into the nearest tent field as I could hear voices. As I approached the tent, I stopped and listened to the conversation. Trust me, it's vital to do this as you can interject into the conversation at a crucial moment. It's even better when you pause outside the tent when the occupants are getting intimate with each other, waiting a few moments and politely telling them that "...this is a family park, could you quieten down please." Anyway, I digress. The conversation which I overheard was a heated debate between two females about the existence of God. It was getting quite humourous at certain points, where I would have loved to have said in a booming voice "I do exist and there are people trying to sleep, please be quiet." Had it not been after midnight, then I would have done exactly that. But, as always, I gave them the polite first warning and they settled down after that.

Shortly after this, I heard a taxi draw up at the gate, so I went to ensure all was well. The three males who exited the vehicle were drunk and loud. Not my ideal punter at one in the morning. Sadly, they didn't have a tent pitched and were looking for somewhere to pitch up for the night. I pointed them in the direction of which they came and told them that we didn't take anyone after midnight (not technically a lie, but it's my executive decision as to whom I let on site after hours) and if they wanted to stay somewhere, it wouldn't be here. It was at this point one of the males became quite mouthy and aggressive. We stood and debated at the entrance for what seemed like half an hour, before I realised that I wasn't going to get rid of them easily. I let them on the site under strict conditions. Those were that they pitched their tent and called it a night.

Two hours and several visits to their tent later, I delivered them their final ultimatum. If they weren't quiet now, they were welcome to stay in the company of the local constabulary. Naturally, they protested their innocence and told me that they were going home tomorrow, on the first bus (around 7.30am), and really didn't want any trouble. I gave them ten minutes to quieten down and left them to it. When I returned, all was quiet and they were finally asleep.

After that, the night was just like any other night. As the late arrivals hadn't paid me when they came in, I was going to ensure that they paid before they left.

At around seven o'clock, I heard a loud disturbance at reception. I was at one of the several points on the site where the reception building is out of view, so I had to make my way down to the reception as quickly as possible. I realised that it was the recycling truck which had come to remove the cardboard. They usually make a lot of noise and I have had dealings with them last season. However, the amount of noise they made did not awaken our three latecomers, who slept soundly until a member of the day staff went to their tent for payment after eight o'clock.

Here's hoping that tonight is quieter.

Back with a bang!

Well folks, it's that time of year again. The time of year when I give my old fluorescent jacket a hose down and pull the sturdy boots from the back of the wardrobe and head back to the campsite. Strangely though, however, I have been quite looking forward to going back to my old stomping ground. I have been working hard over the winter months on various projects, so it's nice to get back out into the fresh air again.

I've been back for a while now and it's been a blogging heaven since I returned. After only three shifts, I was presented (quite literally, in fact) with something which I knew I could blog about.

NB: If you are of a sensitive nature, then it's probably best to stop reading here and read another, less graphic, post on this blog.

I was meandering my way through the site on a cool Winter's eve, when I decided that to pass the time I would do a building check. I checked the first block of toilets and everything was fine. Bearing in mind I was only three days back into the night life of the campsite, nothing could prepare me for what lay in wait in the second building. I walked in and noticed a strange aroma in the air. I walked slowly to the end of the cubicles and pushed each door open and peered cautiously inside. Everything seemed in order until the third door from the end. When I approached, the strange aroma was slightly stronger at this end.

As I slowly opened the cubicle door, the first thing I noticed was the back wall. It was covered with human excrement from the cistern down to the floor. When I stepped back to survey the damage, I noticed that this poor unfortunate soul* had had a rear end accident of almighty proportions. The back wall, cistern, cubicle walls, toilet, toilet seat and the floor was covered in a dark shade of brown.

I decided to lock that door and return later, once I had carried out the rest of the evening's duties. Now, the problem with these cubicle doors is that they can only be locked/unlocked from the inside. To lock the door, one would have to enter the cubicle, lock the door, climb onto the cistern and over one of the eight foot walls on either side. This was not going to be an easy task, as the cistern was covered in faecal matter.

I filled my lungs with as much unpolluted air as possible and held it there, before entering the cubicle. I quickly locked the door and made a grab for the top of the wall. I managed to pull myself up and squeezed myself between the small gap at the top and dropped down into the next cubicle. Job done. For now.

A while later, once everything else had been done, I returned to the cubicle armed with a length of hosepipe and waterproof trousers. I closed the toilets off to the public, partly so I could get the job done more effectively and partly because nobody wanted to be covered in a shower of faeces first thing in the morning. I opened the door and stood well back, aimed the hose and with a powerful spray of water, started to clean the cubicle. When I say, "clean the cubicle," what I meant to say was "spray the hose at the wall/toilet/cistern/floor/surface until reasonable." I did tell the cleaner in the morning and she said she didn't mind and would give that cubicle an extra clean, to ensure all was well.

When that was done, I knew I was entitled to a large, steaming cup of coffee. Which I had and it went down a treat. The only memory I had of the incident, was when I woke up that evening to go to work and the smell of freshly disturbed faeces caught in the back of my throat. Lovely.

Don't worry, future posts won't all be like this. Unless we get a coachload of incontinent campers on the site. And we don't accept coaches, so I think I'll be pretty safe.

The Park is now Closed.

Well, that's another season over. The park is now closed for the Winter and I'm no longer required. I shall be back next season though. It was a fairly quiet season, according to Alex.

I have found another job, which I'll be blogging about, and you can see all that here:

Faulty Towers

Until next season, farewell my loyal readers!